Childhood Needed to dump my memories. Incest & disgusted by sex.

Frostheaved

Learning
I couldn't find the forum rules but from other posts I can see that I can at least talk about conventionally sensitive stuff.

I feel disgusting right now. I just need to get stuff out.

I have CPTSD with childhood abuse and other stuff. My mom has been the main cause of sufferings and in the past often had my younger join in on the "bullying." Then, between 2015 and 2016, I had intermittent sex with my younger brother. I was 15-16 and he was 12-13. I started it and encouraged him because I wanted him to get in trouble for hurting me one day, and then I'd be free from him. I regret introducing him to sex. We had a share of consensual sex. But there was a lot that was unconsensual. I remember there would be 1-2 times a month when he would come into my bed in the morning and, well, get it on, with me. I'm grey-asexual, which means I don't experience much sexually, and a lot of these times when he wanted to have sex I didnt want to. But I felt like I couldn't refuse him. He was always much nicer to me during intercourse than in my everyday, always concerned about hurting me or getting me pregnant (never did use protection though). I remember once though he humped me in a hurtful way to push me around, incorporating it into his bullying tactic. He only did that once though. Another time I remember I woke up with my pants down and no recollection of sex happening the night before or waking up during the night to have sex. I also remember always hating sucking his peen but having to do it anyways. I had a journal, a secret one because my mom confiscated my journal book (she didn't want me to write about crushes, and I wrote about crushes), but I didn't mention the sex until about midway through the time frame - at that point I was getting really tired of having sex and wanted to be found out.

During the same time frame, I was involved online with a 70 year old man, who was also a family friend I regularly met in real life with my family, whom I confided in and who encouraged my sexual activities with my brother. He wanted to have sexual activities with me as well, and he would talk about what he wanted to do to me. He was planning on going physical but I impulsively cut off contact before that happened. (Some of the reason behind my diagnosis is due to this. These days, I'm very afraid of older men. And just men in general really, including my dad.)

The memories are bothering me today. I've only touched on this once on a crisis chat, that was 2 years ago. I didnt talk about the details but they said it was very normal for siblings to have sex. I feel disgusting.

I have trouble with the very idea of sex. I think it's disgusting. I feel disgusted with myself during the rare times I do want it. My mom seems to think of sex as disgusting too. I remember she even called me slutty once for singing a pop song I liked when I was 13 or something. I think sex is impure and revolting and all sorts of negative things. I idealize certain people (like my therapist) and I feel that they are pure and untouched and should be so, but deep down I know that everybody has sex including those whom i try to maintain as pure in my head. And it absolutely disgusts me. I've been told off for "pushing my ideals" on people and it just... it's so disgusting! Everyone is repulsive!

I dont know where I wanted to go with this. I just needed to find a space where I could talk about this deeply-held stuff.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Hi welcome. You can talk here and read which I find helps. No it was not normal at all. You need help as you experienced childhood sexual abuse amongst other things. I would recommend looking for a therapist who can help you they should specialize in CSA to be qualified. I'm very sorry you experienced this and you are welcome here and not alone.
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
That's a lot to deal with. I'm glad you have a therapist and hope you can share more over time with your therapist. It's good you are talking. It takes time to heal from all you've been through but it is possible
 

Frostheaved

Learning
Thank you for your welcomes. This is the first time I've talked about it in this much detail... I've brushed over it a couple times. A few years ago I thought I would take this secret to the grave. Well, I haven't died yet, and have since gotten into therapy...
I have a therapist that I've really connected with. She diagnosed with with CPTSD on accounts of my mom's and that old man's treatment of me.

No it was not normal at all. You need help as you experienced childhood sexual abuse amongst other things. I would recommend looking for a therapist who can help you they should specialize in CSA to be qualified.
The couple times I've brushed over it, I didn't go into very much detail at all. A couple years ago, I had a bigger-than-usual emotional breakdown over resurfacing of memories similar to what made me create this thread - I hooked myself up with a helpline and told them only about having done the deed with my brother and feeling guilty about it - they told me that it was normal and common. I figured that since I started it in the first place, everything that happened afterwards was my fault, because I introduced the idea. Then when I started seeing my current therapist, I felt that I should tell her... but I once again only shared the "I started it" part in an unnecessarily vague way and I also shut down in session. I had shared it in a very vague way, but she said she could guess what happened.
She doesn't specialize in CSA, or really anything. I live in kind of a more rural than suburban area, so I'd probably be pretty hard-pressed to find someone who is.... my current therapist is also my third in less than two years. In other words, I want to stick with her.
I didn't know it was considered sexual abuse. It's shocking for me to think about because I've never thought of myself as someone who's been affected in that way.

I'm glad you have a therapist and hope you can share more over time with your therapist.
I hope so too. I think I'm just afraid of both feeling too vulnerable and being "pushed around" by these memories. To be honest, I haven't read what I wrote above since posting it. I'm afraid of entering that dark hole again. Before telling my therapist, or trying to rather, I need to prepare - I need to feel more comfortable talking about it, else I will definitely shut down before saying anything worth saying... maybe I can shrink the content down so that I say as much as I can before shutting down... I need to prepare.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
If you weren't a badly abused kid you wouldn't have gotten that idea in the first place / if you had it woulda been for other reasons...

So not like you are to blame for the whole thing. Your abusers are. Also for not preventing & stopping the abuse and protecting you from acting out.

It's not normal as in healthy.
But it's not rare / unheard of in incestual families.
And? That shame and guilt and all ain't yours to take.

You're not disgusting.
People who hurt you & failed protecting you, may be.
But that's not on you.
It's ok to forgive yourself...
And ok to regret it whole but still live on and enjoy life.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I was brushed over by therapists from my 20s. I knew something was wrong, and I'd been trying to tell since I was a little kid. I am in my early 60s now and still unboxing it all.

I never thought I was abused. I just had this horrible feeling something was so wrong with what I remembered and partially remembered. My memory of childhood was like a movie in a foreign languages without subtitles. I couldn't follow it. It didn't make sense . It was pleasureable so what was the problem? Just forget it, forget the past. But that doesn't work. I was in my early fifties before I even heard trauma, PTSD or CSA regarding what happened.

But I learned a lot which has helped and I'm learning every day still. I went through differently periods of remembering and trying to block it all out.
 

Wonder Woman

MyPTSD Pro
Well, I completely understand why you are feeling disgusted by sex. It seems as though every sexual experience you've had has been abusive. You say the sex with your brother was consensual, but in reality it is what professionals call being "abuse reactive." It was your developing mind's way of coping with the sexual abuse from the adults in your life.

So unfair that you are carrying all of this guilt and feeling as though you are disgusting. You are not disgusting. You are a beautiful person, who has endured so much abuse at the hands of those who were supposed to have loved and protected you.

I think it is a good sign that you were able to be so open about your experience. Perhaps, you might feel better showing your posts to your counselor. That way you don't feel forced to have to say the words, just yet.

Please, please, please be kind to yourself. You are not disgusting. You, my friend, are beautiful. Thank you for having the bravery to share.

I pray your healing will be complete. You deserve so much better than what you received in childhood. Take care of yourself.
 
G

GHL

I have a very similar story and as I was looking up things online, it seemed like I may have (though unintentionally) committed a crime. My second cousin was 2 years and 8 months YOUNGER and it seems like he initiated it and I just went with it thinking nothing of it until it was too late. We went from looking at pornographic images and laughing to 1) humping pillows which was my idea; 2) him suggesting I should hump him which agreed to. We never touched each other’s organs but I was on top and my penis was on his stomach. Then after I came (no ejaculation - I was 14, or 15, the memory is blurry), I stopped and he wanted to continue. I said no. I felt shame pretty much immediately and told him not to tell anyone or we would get in trouble and ppl will think we’re idiots or crazy. Then a month or so later he suggested doing it again saying we could do it in bed - we were humping on the floor - to which I replied no. He suggested it more than once.

I’m really stressed out now and thinking a lot of things from committing suicide to turning myself in to admitting myself to a mental institution and so on and so forth.

Prior to the incident my mom French kissed me and my younger sister on multiple occasions, tongue involved - and walked around the house topless for as long as I can remember, even when I was in college. A few months ago I had a strong memory of kissing and told my spouse. I was scolded for masturbating as a child and accidentally saw my parents having sex. My mom would also beat my alcoholic dad when he was drunk and I was physically abusive to other kids and was abused by kids at school and my neighborhood. There was a good amount of magazines and literature with nude images and VHS tapes as well. It was very common for us as a family to watch R rated films with sex scenes too.

I always felt inadequate since then, confessed to a priest once and convinced myself it wasn’t sex but playing around.

I have almost no hope left.
 
G

GHL

The entire thing f*cked me up and I should’ve known better given I was older even though he was much taller and some ways - which I hated to admit - smarter. We haven’t spoken in years and I’m certain he’s damaged in a lot of ways as well. I have no resentment towards him and I wish I could undo everything.I don’t even live in our hometown and don’t know his number. With me it may have stemmed from being physically abused by my dad and my mom tricking me and my sister into making out with her (we barely speak now but I forgave her) and I only began thinking about it half a year ago but on his part? His dad was an alcoholic as well. I’m so sorry. I don’t know why the entire thing started that day: we were just laughing and looking at pictures of naked women in a magazine or something and thought nothing of it until it was over in a few minutes. As a kid I was thinking that one instance made me gay even though I’ve never thought of men in that fashion till this day. I’ve always been sexually awkward since then. Don’t do hugs or show affection.
 
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