Needing and deserving help.

Status
Not open for further replies.

Freemartin

MyPTSD Pro
Sooo, I've understood that many of us trauma folks struggle with the notion of "needing" or "deserving" help. Like, we often minimise our struggles and/or feel unentitled to help. You know, all of those "it wasn't that bad", "others have had it worse" etc. And support, care and help tossed our way make us uncomfortable.

I'm really trying to change here. My T wants me to feel the shitty feelz of being left to my own devices. Of not getting help. Of having to survive alone. She wants me to get to that realization of how bad it was. And she wants me to see myself as a person deserving of support and help.

But this all makes me really nauseous. And it feels ... wrong. I'm much more comfortable shaming myself over being such a whiner.

So. Give me a hand here. Let's face this horror together.

How does the theme of needing & deserving help make you feel? Do you feel totally comfortable, warm and fuzzy, waiting for all that cozy and wonderful care to embrace you? Or do you feel angry, fearful, nauseus, panicky, resentful, what have you?

Is it easy for you to justify getting help and support? Or to feel bad if you don't get it?

Any thoughts are more than welcome!
 
There's no shame in needing or deserving help. I used to bottle up all my thoughts and feelings and felt I had to be strong and just push through it...

f*ck that!!!

Now I am alot more open to other people if I'm in bad health or struggling emotionally and psychologically. You can't live your life like that, it causes severe mental illness.

Everyone to a certain extent sometimes puts on a mask and makes the decision when they have to do something or get on with people "I'm good, thanks"! But we get scared of needing or deserving help. It's much better to just be honest and say actually I'm really struggling at the moment.

Sometimes I phone the samaritans and talk with them. There's no shame in it.
 
in my own case, accepting that i both need and deserve healing was a solid breakthrough on two fronts. accepting that i **need** help broke through my denial. accepting that i **deserve** to heal broke through my low, damaged self-esteem. learning to love myself in spite of those wounds brought it together to create serenity.

i opine that you are onto something important here, freemartin. just opining. . .

steadying support while you decide for yourself.
 
I am struggling with this right now as I need help and there is no getting around it. However, the emotional part of feeling undeserving and the whole trust thing with dependency is really a struggle. For me, it is scary as this isn't going to change and my need for assistance and being less and less independent are my new reality. I find myself apologizing constantly and I know I need to reframe and shift.
 
Thanks for your responses! Feels good to know I’m not alone struggling with this topic!
Having started this convo and shared about my stuff, I’m now facing intense self harm urges. It’s nothing unexpected. In fact, I knew the urges would accompany me here. Somehow they’re all connected. Me venturing into this ”maybe I could need & deserve” land -> needa destruct.

But, I’m managing this. Nothing new.

Anyone else here with the combo needing stuff from others + self harm impulses?
 
Realizing I needed help was a bit freeing. However, getting help I ask and have even begged for is a completely different story!
Doctors refusing to treat me. Saying a certain lab test will be done and is not- TWICE! Doctor forgetting labs were ordered and at my appt to discuss lab results, couldn't find them! Then I was blamed! I was told I'd get a call to "finish" my appt once the labs were located. Instead the only way is to schedule another appointment! I had the labs done on August 17th!
I could tell more horrible stories about medical care! However, on to therapists. I was severely traumatized by a former therapist. The therapist I have now, does NOT allow me to feel! She doesn't want to hear about "that" as she's "heard that before."
I saw an MD Psychiatrist recently. Of note: I was over-medicated by a Psych NP who is the best friend of the narcissistic former therapist! The new Psychiatrist prescribed an antidepressant incorrectly! The new one should have been take 1 75 mg daily and it says to take 3 75mg once daily!!!!!!
I've been totally in my depression hole since last Thursday! Plants are dying. I won't go anywhere even if I need too. I won't get dressed! I'm either in the dark in my bed or on the couch. I might watch TV. No one wants to help me much less listen!
 
How does the theme of needing & deserving help make you fe
like a hypocrite for asking since nothing bad ever happened to me.... blahblah

But - I can also see that I'm getting better and thinking "I lived thru some shit and need some support" .....most days
Do you feel totally comfortable, warm and fuzzy, waiting for all that cozy and wonderful care to embrace you?
oh hellll no!
Work in Progress
Or do you feel angry, fearful, nauseus, panicky, resentful, what have you?
I'm gonna go with panicky because asking for help = death. It's one thing I still struggle with, but being here has help me get past that quite a bit. And it's making me more willing to risk it in IRL
 
How does the theme of needing & deserving help make you feel? Do you feel totally comfortable, warm and fuzzy, waiting for all that cozy and wonderful care to embrace you? Or do you feel angry, fearful, nauseus, panicky, resentful, what have you?

Is it easy for you to justify getting help and support? Or to feel bad if you don't get it?
Hate needing it which is probably why it took my PTSD symptoms at gale force for me to consider going to therapy. Deserving, yeah, I prefer not to think about it because I’m pretty sure I’d vote no. However I live alone so I figure if I want to throw money at a project I should.

Care embrace me, oh **** no! I told my therapist that he really needs to temper his enthusiasm, he said saying good job doesn’t seem like a lot of enthusiasm. Fair enough, I don’t do well with a lot of sympathy, or even positive reinforcement. I’m pretty sure that’s why he is in his opinion tempering it and just trying to work on not telling me negative things because I have no problem beating myself up. I think when we aren’t accustomed to being cared for we don’t know how to handle it. My mom claims I didn’t cry as a baby, pretty sure I learned early that there was no point. Spending a lifetime of being the one who cared for everyone and everything means I know what it should look like but it makes me uncomfortable in the extreme.

As far as how I feel about it, I’d go with as little as possible, but if I’m being fair that’s kind of my answer to any feelings questions. My T has the feelings list at the ready anytime I come so I avoid saying I don’t know how I feel.

Justify getting support, hmmm that’s interesting. When it comes to knowledge I have zero qualms. Any teacher who’s had me knows I will ask questions and utilize office hours until I fully understand. No need to justify. However emotional support, that’s different. I struggle with what I need there so I’m not sure I know when it happens and therefore have no way of gauging how I feel about it. Even in therapy I don’t just take someone’s word for it I have to do the research myself, experiment on the plausiblity, read some more before making a decision. In other words I tend to analyze things to death rather than just feel the emotions. But I know how to analyze, I’m good at it. Feelings I suck at so I avoid them.

Sorry that was a very long answer.
 
Hate needing it which is probably why it took my PTSD symptoms at gale force for me to consider going to therapy. Deserving, yeah, I prefer not to think about it because I’m pretty sure I’d vote no. However I live alone so I figure if I want to throw money at a project I should.

Care embrace me, oh **** no! I told my therapist that he really needs to temper his enthusiasm, he said saying good job doesn’t seem like a lot of enthusiasm. Fair enough, I don’t do well with a lot of sympathy, or even positive reinforcement. I’m pretty sure that’s why he is in his opinion tempering it and just trying to work on not telling me negative things because I have no problem beating myself up. I think when we aren’t accustomed to being cared for we don’t know how to handle it. My mom claims I didn’t cry as a baby, pretty sure I learned early that there was no point. Spending a lifetime of being the one who cared for everyone and everything means I know what it should look like but it makes me uncomfortable in the extreme.

As far as how I feel about it, I’d go with as little as possible, but if I’m being fair that’s kind of my answer to any feelings questions. My T has the feelings list at the ready anytime I come so I avoid saying I don’t know how I feel.

Justify getting support, hmmm that’s interesting. When it comes to knowledge I have zero qualms. Any teacher who’s had me knows I will ask questions and utilize office hours until I fully understand. No need to justify. However emotional support, that’s different. I struggle with what I need there so I’m not sure I know when it happens and therefore have no way of gauging how I feel about it. Even in therapy I don’t just take someone’s word for it I have to do the research myself, experiment on the plausiblity, read some more before making a decision. In other words I tend to analyze things to death rather than just feel the emotions. But I know how to analyze, I’m good at it. Feelings I suck at so I avoid them.

Sorry that was a very long answer.
I understand what you're saying. Hearing a compliment almost freaks me out.
None of this is easy. I didn't expect it to be. However, when someone tells me "life is hard" my BP rises! I'm pushing 60 yrs! You think I don't know life is hard? I know people are trying to help so I usually just smile and agree.
Plus, life ain't just hard, it plain sucks!
 
Life is hard

Pure evil! I’m sorry saying that to someone with PTSD could not be more condescending. Maybe they should try having their worst moment relived in pure terror because someone dared wear cologne or some other thing you have no control over. I’d rather be told to get over it. You tell a kid life is hard to help them with things that are hard. Adults have lived, if you haven’t concluded life is hard you aren’t going to get it because some jackass decided to tell you!
 
How does the theme of needing & deserving help make you feel?

1. I’ve don’t need help. Or I’d be dead.

I may WANT help. My life may be infinitely better with help, than without. Or not. Or even the opposite. (With friends like these, who needs enemies?!?) But need? Pfft.

I don’t ask for what I need. I ask for what I want. I demand/take what I need. Full stop.


2. I don’t understand this whole “deserve” thing that everyone’s always on about. Similar to how I don’t parse the concept of “public’s right to know”. To me both are as nonsensical as the public’s “right” to be a concert pianist.


Do you feel totally comfortable, warm and fuzzy, waiting for all that cozy and wonderful care to embrace you? Or do you feel angry, fearful, nauseus, panicky, resentful, what have you?
Neither.

Cautiously optimistic, if I’m lucky enough to find help when I want it / am looking for it, probably comes closest?

Wary as f*ck, if I’m not looking for it, and it’s presented to me.

I’m certainly not obligated to accept help, in any form (whether I’m looking for help or not); it’s up to me to decide if/what/when/how much I’ll accept, if I accept any. As well as what strings (that come attached to said help) I’m willing to accept. But whether I’m looking for it, or someone else offers? I have zero control over the if/what/when/how much is offered. Which can make things difficult. Or not. Totally depends on the situation. And how capable I feel in my own critical reasoning skills, in that moment.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top