Relationship Needing help understanding

NoGoodDeed

New Here
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for three years now. Little background information: we were both married when we met. I am no longer married. He is working on separating from his wife. He was a police officer when we met and has since retired due to an injury. He is involved in a lawsuit that adds a lot of stress to his life.
The thing that started his PTSD was me smoking pot with a male friend. He knew I smoked so this wasn’t what upset him. He said he felt cheated on because I smoked with the guy. Mind you, I was still living with my husband at the time and none of that bothered him. I had no idea that this would bother my boyfriend so I reassured him I would never smoke with any other guy again. But his triggers and issues progressed. He doesn’t even want me being friends with the guy anymore. My kid is best friends with my friends kid. They go to the same school and adore each other. I haven’t hung out with my friend at all even though his kid stays at my house for sleepovers and vice versa. My boyfriend has had all sorts of treatments for PTSD and he just keeps getting more and more triggers. I can’t have any male friends at all. Not friends from my childhood nor friends that are just internet friends whom I talk to but will never meet. He flipped out because an internet friend didn’t know his name. I hadn’t really made it a habit of telling people I, a married woman, had a married boyfriend. I am at a loss as what I should do. He has more triggers now and I feel like I’m walking on broken glass. Does anyone have any suggestions or ideas on how to heal? I haven’t stated how deeply in love with him I am. I do not want to “move on”. I want him and only him.
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
I re-read as I thought I must have misunderstood something. Your smoking pot with a male friend does not cause bf to have ptsd. Even being cheated on (which you did not) would not cause ptsd. It sounds like your bf is very insecure about you having any friendships with males, which is not the same as ptsd. That is something you will have to decide if you can live with or not. It doesn't sound like this is negotiable with him and I see it as controlling, but that is just me. Some may think it is protective and I DO understand why. His healing is up to him, but again, sounds more like control and a choice of letting go rather than healing from your behavior.
 

Friday

Moderator
First off... Super quick breakdown of Triggers & Stressors, here 😃 >>>

May seem like splitting hairs if you’re used to colloquial terms (like anything that bothers anyone ever is a “trigger”) but it’s like using the terms salt & sugar interchangeably with diabetes. And then taking any and all behavior and excusing it because they just ate a bunch of salty food. Nope. Not the way diabetes works.

It’s not usually the first link we’ll throw a supporter’s way... but if you’re taking ALL lashing out & bad behavior on his part as a “trigger” & therefore part of PTSD, and therefore outside of his control & your “fault”? There’s great news on that front, because, nope! Lashing out over the toilet paper being the wrong way round -an 10,000 other bullshit things- may be common with people who are so dysregulated their head is almost permanently up their ass, but that’s NOT YOUR FAULT, and it’s also not them being triggered. It’s either them being stressed and making themselves feel better by lashing out at you (not okay), or just them being an asshole. Assholes get PTSD, too. Or them blameshifting responsibility for managing their disorder onto whomever happens to be nearby. Like a child throwing a temper tantrum.

Do. Not. Stand. For. That. Shit. Seeeeeriously. Whether they’re stressed or triggered? You didn’t do that. YOU did not trigger him, he was triggered. His reaction, his responsibility. No, it’s not his fault he has triggers & stressors, but is also is NOT YOUR FAULT that he has triggers and stressors.

And I say this as a combat vet.., who, yeah. Has lashed out, blamed others, and been totally incapable of being in a relationship my symptoms were running so hot... on more than a few occasions. For the love of Mike, do NOT volunteer to be his punching bag (metaphorical or literal), to vent his shit on and treat like garbage. You’re better than that. Without even knowing you. Because you’re a person, not a piece of gym equipment to go blow off steam at.

Having PTSD? Doesn’t mean that you have to treat people badly. It DOES mean that if you are treating people badly? You need to check your shit, and stop doing that. As he’s the one with PTSD? He’s the only one who can recognize his behavior is f*cked up and change it. You can recognize it’s f*cked, and try and change it, but he’s the only one who actually can change it. All you can do? Is decide if you’re a piece of garbage deserving of this kind of treatment, or to lay some boundaries and stop walking on eggshells in an attempt to manipulate him into not treating you like shit. That’s your side of the street. Deciding what kind of treatment you will accept, and what to do when someone treats you badly His is manning up. You can’t man up for him.

I DO get loving someone who is out of control. I have PTSD, and I’ve loved others with PTSD. It’s brutal when he person you love is out of control & so unwilling to do anything about it, they just blame everyone else around them. But you can’t love them all better. Would that it were that way.
 
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Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
@NoGoodDeed , I'm sorry you are going through this.

I agree with the other responses.

May not be what you want to hear.

But a massive red flag is:
Someone not letting you have friends.
That is controlling.
Making you feel responsible for his insecurity about having a friend.
That is controlling.

You haven't done anything wrong.

And, btw, isn't he the one who is still cheating as he is still married? Not you?
He's doing some serious shifting of responsibilty here.
This isn't PTSD.
Even if it was, like others said, it's for him to sort that out. I don't hold others responsible for my triggers. That is super unfair and controlling behaviour.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for three years now. Little background information: we were both married when we met. I am no longer married. He is working on separating from his wife. He was a police officer when we met and has since retired due to an injury. He is involved in a lawsuit that adds a lot of stress to his life.
The thing that started his PTSD was me smoking pot with a male friend. He knew I smoked so this wasn’t what upset him. He said he felt cheated on because I smoked with the guy. Mind you, I was still living with my husband at the time and none of that bothered him. I had no idea that this would bother my boyfriend so I reassured him I would never smoke with any other guy again. But his triggers and issues progressed. He doesn’t even want me being friends with the guy anymore. My kid is best friends with my friends kid. They go to the same school and adore each other. I haven’t hung out with my friend at all even though his kid stays at my house for sleepovers and vice versa. My boyfriend has had all sorts of treatments for PTSD and he just keeps getting more and more triggers. I can’t have any male friends at all. Not friends from my childhood nor friends that are just internet friends whom I talk to but will never meet. He flipped out because an internet friend didn’t know his name. I hadn’t really made it a habit of telling people I, a married woman, had a married boyfriend. I am at a loss as what I should do. He has more triggers now and I feel like I’m walking on broken glass. Does anyone have any suggestions or ideas on how to heal? I haven’t stated how deeply in love with him I am. I do not want to “move on”. I want him and only him.
how does you smoking pot with your friend give your boyfriend PTSD?? That's absurd. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't allow you to have friends?
 

NoGoodDeed

New Here
I re-read as I thought I must have misunderstood something. Your smoking pot with a male friend does not cause bf to have ptsd. Even being cheated on (which you did not) would not cause ptsd. It sounds like your bf is very insecure about you having any friendships with males, which is not the same as ptsd. That is something you will have to decide if you can live with or not. It doesn't sound like this is negotiable with him and I see it as controlling, but that is just me. Some may think it is protective and I DO understand why. His healing is up to him, but again, sounds more like control and a choice of letting go rather than healing from your behavior.
He said “My perception of your actions and my feelings about it are as if I was cheated on. It doesn’t matter if I was actually cheated on.” And I find that confusing. What if I took his reaction and said it felt like murder? Doesn’t make it so.

What I’m wondering is how is your child doing through all of this?
My child is doing quite well. I didn’t mention that he was upset that she had a sleepover and I had to see someone who would cause problems for my relationship. I put my crap aside as much as possible so she can have a normal childhood. My actions to support him end where she begins. She is and will always be my priority.

how does you smoking pot with your friend give your boyfriend PTSD?? That's absurd. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't allow you to have friends?
I am not sure what causes PTSD. I feel like being a cop who was injured and then mistreated by his department was what caused his PTSD. I was sort of an “aftershock”. But it has been almost a year since I smoked with the guy and I still have to hear about it and how shocking it is that two parents might share a bowl while their kids play. *No child was harmed at this play date.

@NoGoodDeed , I'm sorry you are going through this.

I agree with the other responses.

May not be what you want to hear.

But a massive red flag is:
Someone not letting you have friends.
That is controlling.
Making you feel responsible for his insecurity about having a friend.
That is controlling.

You haven't done anything wrong.

And, btw, isn't he the one who is still cheating as he is still married? Not you?
He's doing some serious shifting of responsibilty here.
This isn't PTSD.
Even if it was, like others said, it's for him to sort that out. I don't hold others responsible for my triggers. That is super unfair and controlling behaviour.
I appreciate your response and all of the others. This has been a very difficult time for me. I am completely aware that it is easier to manipulate a person who is isolated. I have reached the point where I feel isolated. I understood where my sense of humor and the fact that I am in a line of work that is dominated by men can be difficult for him to handle. But I am not ever going to cheat on him. It sucks that I feel like I’m causing him pain by living a normal life. I am afraid that the only way he will heal from the issues I have caused him is to leave him alone. :(
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Several things can cause PTSD, for example:

Life threatening or near death experiences

Sexual assault

Witnessing/Being involved in tragic disaters.

From what you've said, your boyfriend has many insecurities and it seems quite childish and he needs to grow up and address his problems. And I have to ask the question... Do you really want someone like that around your child?
 

NoGoodDeed

New Here
First off... Super quick breakdown of Triggers & Stressors, here 😃 >>>

May seem like splitting hairs if you’re used to colloquial terms (like anything that bothers anyone ever is a “trigger”) but it’s like using the terms salt & sugar interchangeably with diabetes. And then taking any and all behavior and excusing it because they just ate a bunch of salty food. Nope. Not the way diabetes works.

It’s not usually the first link we’ll throw a supporter’s way... but if you’re taking ALL lashing out & bad behavior on his part as a “trigger” & therefore part of PTSD, and therefore outside of his control & your “fault”? There’s great news on that front, because, nope! Lashing out over the toilet paper being the wrong way round -an 10,000 other bullshit things- may be common with people who are so dysregulated their head is almost permanently up their ass, but that’s NOT YOUR FAULT, and it’s also not them being triggered. It’s either them being stressed and making themselves feel better by lashing out at you (not okay), or just them being an asshole. Assholes get PTSD, too. Or them blameshifting responsibility for managing their disorder onto whomever happens to be nearby. Like a child throwing a temper tantrum.

Do. Not. Stand. For. That. Shit. Seeeeeriously. Whether they’re stressed or triggered? You didn’t do that. YOU did not trigger him, he was triggered. His reaction, his responsibility. No, it’s not his fault he has triggers & stressors, but is also is NOT YOUR FAULT that he has triggers and stressors.

And I say this as a combat vet.., who, yeah. Has lashed out, blamed others, and been totally incapable of being in a relationship my symptoms were running so hot... on more than a few occasions. For the love of Mike, do NOT volunteer to be his punching bag (metaphorical or literal), to vent his shit on and treat like garbage. You’re better than that. Without even knowing you. Because you’re a person, not a piece of gym equipment to go blow off steam at.

Having PTSD? Doesn’t mean that you have to treat people badly. It DOES mean that if you are treating people badly? You need to check your shit, and stop doing that. As he’s the one with PTSD? He’s the only one who can recognize his behavior is f*cked up and change it. You can recognize it’s f*cked, and try and change it, but he’s the only one who actually can change it. All you can do? Is decide if you’re a piece of garbage deserving of this kind of treatment, or to lay some boundaries and stop walking on eggshells in an attempt to manipulate him into not treating you like shit. That’s your side of the street. Deciding what kind of treatment you will accept, and what to do when someone treats you badly His is manning up. You can’t man up for him.

I DO get loving someone who is out of control. I have PTSD, and I’ve loved others with PTSD. It’s brutal when he person you love is out of control & so unwilling to do anything about it, they just blame everyone else around them. But you can’t love them all better. Would that it were that way.
Thank you. I appreciate your input. I definitely don’t deserve the shit show that my life has recently become. It was never an easy relationship but it was amazing until recently. It seems like his focus shifted from being upset with work to being upset with me.

Several things can cause PTSD, for example:

Life threatening or near death experiences

Sexual assault

Witnessing/Being involved in tragic disaters.

From what you've said, your boyfriend has many insecurities and it seems quite childish and he needs to grow up and address his problems. And I have to ask the question... Do you really want someone like that around your child?
He is actually amazing with kids. Not just my kids and his kids but all kids. He has a great heart and a kind soul. I understand that at the moment he is acting selfish and childish but that doesn’t make him a bad person. Loving him doesn’t make me a bad parent either.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I am afraid that the only way he will heal from the issues I have caused him is to leave him alone
This though ^^^
This reads as a sign of someone who has internalised someone else's (controlling and manipulative) narrative. What issues have you exactly caused him?!

Where are you in this equation with him?
What about what you deserve? Which is to have friends, smoke weed or not (your choice - if he doesn't want to be with someone smoking weed he can leave), do what you want.

Do you have friends you can talk this over with? Are they worried about how he treats you?
 
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