I'm severely terrified of needles. I've been avoiding them for 15 years now. The last time I got impaled with one I was in a juvenile mental hospital. I was not able to sleep normally because I knew a nurse would be coming to my room in the middle of the night to take blood from me. I had been sent there one year prior. I kept waking up every 5 minutes, dreading my fate. I couldn't even run away, hide or fight it. I really wanted to, but I knew if I did, they would just restrain me and sedate me. Which would be more traumatic and one more needle I didn't want. When the nurse did arrive I just froze in fear and couldn't speak, only cry. I have very recently started to self-harm again. It's been an on again off again thing since I was a teenager. I'm 31 now. I know I need to get help. But I'm also terrified that if a therapist realizes I'm self-harming they will throw me back into one of those hospitals. My needle phobia is serious. To the point that I don't ever go get check ups, flu shots or visit any dentists. I never go to the doctor, even when I don't feel well. It's easy avoiding needles as an adult. I've had this needle phobia since I was a child. It's only gotten worse since my last stay in the psych ward when I was a teen. I still have nightmares about it. I know I can't avoid needles forever. Eventually something is bound to happen, like appendicitis or minor accidental injury. My worst nightmare come true would be if I woke up in a hospital bed or ambulance while attached to an I.V. Essentially I can't fathom ever facing needles again. I know I have to find some alternative to self-harming. I'm struggling with depression. I don't know how to control my emotions. Sometimes I cry while riding the bus. I get panic attacks out of nowhere. I'm just messed up all over the place.