LeiaFlower
Confident
This serves as a reflection guide for myself. Though I would appreciate insights or shared experiences. It's about the correlation of negative transference in my current relationships. I'm constantly seeking out someone who makes me feel less alone as if I'm important.
Growing up I felt like I didn't deserve to exist. Due to my fawning response to people please I rarely got in trouble. I knew what to do and say to avoid the wrath of my parents However, this created two problems. One where I no longer was allowed attention, even though it was negative it was better than none at all. And secondly, it caused my siblings to despise me for what they believed was favoritism when in fact I simply knew how to appeal to my parents to survive. This all left me alone, and the loneliness surmounted. Until she came along, my groomer. She made me feel special like I mattered. She showered me with gifts that my parents couldn't afford. She took me on special outings downtown like train rides and local amusement parks. However, these things came with a price, I soon found out that I owed her for her kindness.
Even though I don't remember the abuse the feeling of owing others shows up in my current relationships. I felt as if I owed my previous therapist sexually for her kindness. This caused multiple nightmares, and when I explained the dreams where my therapist acted as my abuser, it lead to my therapist in reality saying we weren't a good fit and for a termination session to happen. This created the same shame I grew up with that I at first never understood. The shame for speaking up.
This negative transference even shows up with my close friend. Like my previous therapist, she was the first person who made me feel like I meant something, and that I wasn't an annoying burden. The feelings I owe her for her kindness show up despite constantly trying to push them down. But when she started dating she wasn't available anymore. I still cling to how our relationship used to be but can no longer coexist. I feel replaced and abandoned. These feelings gave me the revelation that the groomer could've replaced me. Found someone younger. Despite everything that I know and don't know, I still miss my groomer as much as I miss the relationships with my previous therapist and my friend.
Growing up I felt like I didn't deserve to exist. Due to my fawning response to people please I rarely got in trouble. I knew what to do and say to avoid the wrath of my parents However, this created two problems. One where I no longer was allowed attention, even though it was negative it was better than none at all. And secondly, it caused my siblings to despise me for what they believed was favoritism when in fact I simply knew how to appeal to my parents to survive. This all left me alone, and the loneliness surmounted. Until she came along, my groomer. She made me feel special like I mattered. She showered me with gifts that my parents couldn't afford. She took me on special outings downtown like train rides and local amusement parks. However, these things came with a price, I soon found out that I owed her for her kindness.
Even though I don't remember the abuse the feeling of owing others shows up in my current relationships. I felt as if I owed my previous therapist sexually for her kindness. This caused multiple nightmares, and when I explained the dreams where my therapist acted as my abuser, it lead to my therapist in reality saying we weren't a good fit and for a termination session to happen. This created the same shame I grew up with that I at first never understood. The shame for speaking up.
This negative transference even shows up with my close friend. Like my previous therapist, she was the first person who made me feel like I meant something, and that I wasn't an annoying burden. The feelings I owe her for her kindness show up despite constantly trying to push them down. But when she started dating she wasn't available anymore. I still cling to how our relationship used to be but can no longer coexist. I feel replaced and abandoned. These feelings gave me the revelation that the groomer could've replaced me. Found someone younger. Despite everything that I know and don't know, I still miss my groomer as much as I miss the relationships with my previous therapist and my friend.