• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Nervous 1st time poster

Status
Not open for further replies.

Hopeforlife

Confident
Hi all, I have been lurking around this site and it’s forums for a while trying to build the courage to ask for help.

Here goes... From as young as I can remember as a young child until around 12 I was sexually abused quite frequently. I somehow managed to function and suppress the memories until I was around 18. Had a horrendous 2 years of anti depressants, counselling and EMDR therapy. At times it felt worse than the actual abuse and manipulation. Eventually I started to feel better. Fast forward 15 years a husband and 2 children later I am finding myself sinking again. I have managed to find a therapist specialised in EMDR again and other therapies. I have had 6 sessions so far and she does not want to start the therapy as she thinks I am not stable enough. We have tried all sorts of techniques so far but I am still an emotional mess. Today she advised that I visit the doctor and see what they can prescribe me medication wise so that I am stable for the therapy. I am terrified I will end up suicidal again taking pills but feel stuck that I can’t go forward. Nightmares and flashbacks are a very regular occurrence and to top it off today at the meeting with my psychologist I think I had an episode of disassociation/flashback. One minute we were talking and the next a flashback crept in and before I know it I can not hear what she is saying and I’m trying to block the flashback but this causes me to panic. I sort of feel not there for a bit!

Feeling very alone.
 
Welcome to the forums :)

I'm not experienced enough to give you great advise, but I will say that I've found that I'm always afraid to do things even when I'm feeling stuck. New medications can be frightening, but maybe one can help you, and then help you to get better enough to work hard again.
 
I had a similar experience in that I sort of tried to deal with it about 10 years before it was ready. I went to a couple therapists, did EMDR and some bodywork and stuff and I guess I felt abandoned after that. I actually told some people at the time I had been molested. But I had never done any real trauma therapy and nobody ever told me what it was about or that I had PTSD or just nothing really. IDK what happened I guess I thought therapy wouldn't help or I don't know what. Then I sort of drifted lower and lower for a few years just getting more and more unable to function. I stuffed it all back down and thought "that's it?" Then I went back on pills. Then finally after that they put in trauma therapy and I've been better since but I have not had to work or function at a anything but a house work grocery shopping level lol. A few years ago I couldn't even have done what I'm doing now. Maybe you have to get more of it out or process it more that's what it sounds like. At least you are able to get help. I know how you feel about the psych meds, I don't take them. If I became really unstable or depressed again though I probably would. I'm a real pill head so I'm actually sort of glad right now I don't feel like doing that anymore. I don't feel good all the time but better than I did then mostly. Maybe you are not ready but some other stuff is trying to come out. It's a horrible feeling I know I remember. You are doing all the right things I think. Sounds like it. : )
 
Thank you both for your replies. Today has been my lowest day for 15 years. I have not gone to work. I have stayed in bed and cried! Wondering if I need to contact my psychologist to talk some things through but don’t want to be ‘needy’. My mind is saying ‘give yourself a shake girl’ but I can not respond. I think I should call my psychologist.
 
Welcome to the forums!

It's pretty common that things are difficult, even worse, at first.

Is your therapist working with you on any containment or coping skills? Grounding and mindfulness are an essential part of treatment for many people.
 
It's pretty common to wait until you are stable before starting emdr so she may just be being cautious. You said the last time you used antidepressants was 15 years ago? Might be worth a conversation with your doctor on what has changed over the years?

And yes! Call your therapist - You aren't being needy you are in crisis!!
Lots of us struggle with that feeling of being too demanding...it's pretty normal. And it's ok to ask for help ...especially if you have been upset all day and you are just starting out. That's the scariest part!
 
Glad you found this site. It's been a lifesaver for me.

Today she advised that I visit the doctor and see what they can prescribe me medication wise so that I am stable for the therapy.

I'm in the same position but recently prescribed gabapentin/neurontin which is currently making a big difference. It off label use and in higher doses causes sedation and feels like you had a cocktail or joint. I'm not as angry, agitated and anxious. It's only been a couple days and I'm clear headed and side effect free. Hopefully they can find something that works well for you.
 
Thank you all for your replies and words of wisdom. I have had a pretty rubbish week but productive. I did contact my psychologist in the end and she was supportive. I have moved my appointment with her forward to Tuesday this week and my husband is coming along for a bit of support. I very reluctantly visited a Psychiatrist/psychotherapist today who prescribed me Sertraline and diazepam. I am terrified to start them. God and no one talks of the cost of a consultation! I can’t afford to cope with this PTS and not work! Another stress! However, we can never put a cost on health!

Mrmoonlight I am glad you are doing well and the medication is working for you.

Just mehere my psychologist seems very good and we are trying to work on grounding techniques etc. The problem is I know all the things to help me. Yoga, excercise, relaxation techniques, natural remedies and all the things that have helped me the past 15 years that it has almost became like driving. But it’s almost like I have forgotten how to drive!!

Mach123 that’s exactly it! Strange feeling my body needs to get a big surge of emotion out so I think there is a little something still there. I very rarely cry and spill what I need to spill because I just sort of feel numb about it all.

Sometimes there are no words but hugs and tea help. I am so glad I have found this forum.
 
I've never taken sertraline but I am on a different anti-depressant alongside diazepam. My doctor offered me sertraline or bupropion, I chose bupropion because I had used it in the past. The diazepam really helped me when I was super unstable and extremely anxious/stressed feeling. I used to need it constantly, but now I just take it on an as-needed basis, which tends to be 1-3 times per week.

Meds can really take the edge off and make it easier to function, I'm glad you got some help on that side of things.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top