Undiagnosed Never actually introduced myself so I'm doing it now

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Lilac98

MyPTSD Pro
Hi I'm lilac (not actually my real name but I like it so I'm going by that on here) I'm 23 but will be 24 in about a week.

As you can see I'm not diagnosed and for your information I'm not expecting or wanting anyone on here to diagnose me.

Let's go through things I actually remember though something that first popped up I'm not expecting answers.

So years ago I had a weird random memory pop up. I was round a friends house, we were sitting in her room and this guy came in and came up to my friend and was tickling her. She was laughing and clearly didn't mind but I was scared. I got up and moved away near the wall. I was scared he'd touch me or her so I was looking for something to protect myself with. I was going to get a pillow to hold in front of myself but it was on her bed the other side of the room and I didn't want to go past him. I then looked for something heavy like a lamp to hit him with but I couldn't find anything and he hadn't actually done anything yet. When he went she told me it was her older brother and I nearly asked her if he'd ever touched her before but I didn't incase it upset her or she thought I was weird for asking.

Then last year I remembered two incidents with me and my grandad when he had come out of prison for abusing my sisters who are older. One I was on my own in the living room at grandads house. Everyone else was in the kitchen. I was sitting down and felt uncomfortable so went to leave. He was standing in the middle of doorway facing me. I was too uncomfortable to speak to him so I kept moving from side to side trying to make it clear I wanted to leave. He just stared at me so I tried to squeeze past him on one side that had slightly more room. I had to step sideways so I was facing the wall, as I did this he then turned sideways so he was facing me. There still wasn't enough room and I got stuck with him pressed against me with his crotch against my bum and had to rub my bum against his crotch to get past. He didn't say sorry for getting in your way or anything he just stood there.

The other incident was when me and my family were leaving the restaurant. I was walking slowly cause I was trying to put my coat on so everyone else had gotten further ahead. Grandad was behind me. He grabbed my arm pulled me behind him turned around so he was facing me then pulled me into him. He quickly hugged me before I fell over cause he suddenly pulled me. I just stood there awkwardly cause I don't like hugs from anyone though virtual hugs are fine. That's all I remembered at first but then later on I remembered the rest of it which was he moved his hands down my back so one hand was just above my bum and the other hand was slightly on my bum. I felt really uncomfortable and was annoyed cause I thought he'd learned his lesson going to prison and I had convinced myself he wouldn't do anything to me but then he was. But then I thought I shouldn't jump to conclusions he probably didn't realise his hand was on my bum cause my coat was in the way. I started to feel a bit scared so I went to lightly push him away but realised he was wrapping his arms around mine in a way so I couldn't move my arms at all they were just held against my sides. Then I tried to pull backwards but he wouldn't let go and I was still pressed against him so I just let him hug me until he wanted to stop. Then when he let me go he just stood there normally and carried on walking so I walked quickly to catch up with the others.
 

Lilac98

MyPTSD Pro
When I said I'm not expecting answers I meant answers about what did or didn't happen but a response would be nice. I don't want to be talking to myself.
 

JadeB.

MyPTSD Pro
Hi there. I will respond so you don't feel like you're talking to yourself.

I'm sorry you're struggling with memories, we've all been there and have done that before.

But to respond to your specific memories, the first one, I'm sorry you felt uncomfortable around your friends brother. That sounds distressing and probably has you wondering why you reacted that way. It could have been one of many reasons and it might be worth exploring with a professional.

The other two memories of your granddad,that's worth exploring too. Whether he was being inappropriate or not,that's a hard one to know. Considering the fact that he had been in prison for abusing your sisters, I think it would be normal to wonder/feel/think everything he did was in a sexual way. He may have been inappropriate and he may not have been,it would depend on how one perceives it. My grandma used to grab me and hug me super tight when I saw her, my face was always shoved right into her breasts and they were long hugs. It didn't seem inappropriate but if she had been to prison for abusing my siblings then yes,I most likely would have perceived it as pervy. See what I mean?

What you have shared,while upsetting and disturbing to you, would not warrant a PTSD diagnosis. But that doesn't mean you don't have it and why I still say it's best to see a professional to sort through everything. As I said before,your granddad going to prison for abusing your sisters is pretty traumatic in itself. Whether that is the cause of your issues or whether you were abused also or even witnessed it is worth a trip to a professional to work through.

I read in another thread you would like to get an assessment for PTSD. I personally think your best bet would be seeing someone and sharing all your concerns that you're sharing with us and go from there. Not all trauma equals PTSD,not all disturbing or upsetting events equals PTSD either. But you are clearly affected by all of this and I highly suggest you seek help with it.
 

Lilac98

MyPTSD Pro
Hi there. I will respond so you don't feel like you're talking to yourself.

I'm sorry you're struggling with memories, we've all been there and have done that before.

But to respond to your specific memories, the first one, I'm sorry you felt uncomfortable around your friends brother. That sounds distressing and probably has you wondering why you reacted that way. It could have been one of many reasons and it might be worth exploring with a professional.

The other two memories of your granddad,that's worth exploring too. Whether he was being inappropriate or not,that's a hard one to know. Considering the fact that he had been in prison for abusing your sisters, I think it would be normal to wonder/feel/think everything he did was in a sexual way. He may have been inappropriate and he may not have been,it would depend on how one perceives it. My grandma used to grab me and hug me super tight when I saw her, my face was always shoved right into her breasts and they were long hugs. It didn't seem inappropriate but if she had been to prison for abusing my siblings then yes,I most likely would have perceived it as pervy. See what I mean?

What you have shared,while upsetting and disturbing to you, would not warrant a PTSD diagnosis. But that doesn't mean you don't have it and why I still say it's best to see a professional to sort through everything. As I said before,your granddad going to prison for abusing your sisters is pretty traumatic in itself. Whether that is the cause of your issues or whether you were abused also or even witnessed it is worth a trip to a professional to work through.

I read in another thread you would like to get an assessment for PTSD. I personally think your best bet would be seeing someone and sharing all your concerns that you're sharing with us and go from there. Not all trauma equals PTSD,not all disturbing or upsetting events equals PTSD either. But you are clearly affected by all of this and I highly suggest you seek help with it.
I have had counselling for being sa and that was what it was. Would be nice if people could stop doubting me. And also a counsellor told me they think I could have ptsd. But I was looking for an assessment not necessarily a diagnosis. Mum said if I'd told her he would have gone back to prison for reoffending
 
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Lilac98

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry you perceived my reply as doubting you when I was trying to be supportive of you.

You wanted a response so I gave one. I'm sorry I didn't say what you wanted to hear.

I wish you well with all of this.
If someone says they were abused don't doubt them and say it maybe wasn't abuse it's one of the worst things you can do. I've seen a sexual abuse counselor before about the two abuse incidents and she agreed they were abuse. Also as a non professional you can't tell someone purely based off of their abuse incidents that it doesn't warrant a ptsd diagnosis. If you're not a professional please don't act like one.
 

JadeB.

MyPTSD Pro
I can't help how you perceived my response, that's on you not me.

You had 2 more posts here wanting responses that were removed. You got a response and now you're not happy with it. People might be more responsive to you if you don't try to control what they say or dismiss their opinions. This is a PTSD site, you're posting and wanting replies, that's how it works.

Just saying.

As I said, I wish you well with all of this. I will back away and hopefully others will respond.
 

joeylittle

Administrator
I've seen a sexual abuse counselor before about the two abuse incidents and she agreed they were abuse. Also as a non professional you can't tell someone purely based off of their abuse incidents that it doesn't warrant a ptsd diagnosis. If you're not a professional please don't act like one.
@Lilac98 - in your short time here, you've posted about your abuse - and people have expressed empathy.

You've posted myriad questions about the meaning of dreams that you think might be suppressed memories, and people responded both empathetically and with some healthy reality checks.

You've continued to post about these dreams and these remembered incidents, looking to interpret what you DO remember through the lens of various PTSD symptoms. Many members have spent time responding to you, and with great patience. @JadeB. for example:
What you have shared, while upsetting and disturbing to you, would not warrant a PTSD diagnosis. But that doesn't mean you don't have it and why I still say it's best to see a professional to sort through everything. As I said before,your granddad going to prison for abusing your sisters is pretty traumatic in itself. Whether that is the cause of your issues or whether you were abused also or even witnessed it is worth a trip to a professional to work through.

I read in another thread you would like to get an assessment for PTSD. I personally think your best bet would be seeing someone and sharing all your concerns that you're sharing with us and go from there. Not all trauma equals PTSD,not all disturbing or upsetting events equals PTSD either. But you are clearly affected by all of this and I highly suggest you seek help with it.
Re-read that.

You got a response you didn't like.
That happens on the internet, all the time.


Figure out how to accept that, or leave the community. It's your choice.
You'll be put on moderated status for awhile, meaning staff will need to approve your posts before they appear.

If you'll find this upsetting, I suggest you take a break from the forum for awhile, and focus on managing your real-life day to day situations.
 
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