Never told anyone

jch

Confident
I've never told anyone that the last 25 or so years, I've thought about suicide everyday. I don't actively do it. My head just does it on its own as a kind of torture I guess. Every active thought I have is laced with it. It drives me into such a dark hole. When it gets too "loud", the only thing that turns down the volume of these unwanted thoughts is giving it a little taste. I've had a couple of serious attempts in my life. I think that's when that started. So, sometimes I cry and wrap things around my neck until I almost passout. Sometimes I take way too many pain killers. A lot of the time I think that if my head wants me to die so bad, that next time instead of just holding my phone charger wrapped around my neck, I should just tie it off and be done with it. I really don't feel any hope, and don't have anything to look forward to. I'm too afraid to talk to anyone in person. I was raised not to show any negative emotion unless it was anger. So I just sit behind these walls in my head, and torture myself.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @jch, that must be awful for you. I tried to commit suicide in 2007 with a knife. I've also tied cable around my neck as tight as I could to see how it felt. It's a terrible mindset to be in. I'm in alot of pain at the moment but I'm too scared of dying and the upset it would cause my family. Are you in the US? Is there a Samaritans or crisis line you can call when you feel like that?
 

Elsewhere

Learning
I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain.

I can relate. I’ve never attempted, but ever since I was a child, what I’ve wanted more than anything is to not exist. Actually, never having been born in the first place would have been best, in my case. It’s been hard for me to “keeping fighting” cuz I don’t value my life to begin with (plus, there’s the fact that I’m pretty tired by now)

I appreciate that you shared with us. Not being able to be open about certain painful realities just adds to the pain IMO
🫂
 

jch

Confident
Hi @jch, that must be awful for you. I tried to commit suicide in 2007 with a knife. I've also tied cable around my neck as tight as I could to see how it felt. It's a terrible mindset to be in. I'm in alot of pain at the moment but I'm too scared of dying and the upset it would cause my family. Are you in the US? Is there a Samaritans or crisis line you can call when you feel like that?
And what exactly would crisis line even do. I doubt it would be very helpful.
 

jch

Confident
Are you able to talk about the reasons that you feel this way? People will listen to you here. I spent most of my life hiding my pain and emotions. It drove me mad.
People like to try to help by listing all the good things to live for, but all that does is upset me. They just list things I don't have. Talking has never gone well for me.
 
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