Sufferer New Diagnosis, should've known - I expect rejection and ridicule but thirst for understanding and solid truth. PTSD, DID-NOS, MDD, GAD.

Toren

Learning
Have fretted over this intro as this is a huge risk for me emotionally. I expect rejection and ridicule but thirst for understanding and solid truth. I am tougher than I sound. I think.
Here goes.
Been diagnosed with a few things since about 2003 when I saw a psychiatrist because I couldn't grocery shop without panicking or having visual illusions like seeing a bug scuttle underfoot or a mouse behind the frozen peas.

Many meds and diagnoses followed after a forced hospitalization in 2014 for psychosis, complete with all the paranoia and every kind of hallucination imaginable. The impact of the 2 years I spent trying to act normal and the trauma of the whole ER experience, subsequent return to unsafe household and rejection/humiliation by my practice partners have left a mark.

Last week, my psychologist interpreted testing and diagnosed me with PTSD with dissociative symptoms and DID nos to go along with the MDD with psychotic symptoms and GAD. Here is the real kicker..

I am 50 and have worked as a family and psychiatric NP for many years. I am separated after 23 yrs of marriage to an active duty combat vet and have diagnosed my share of soldiers. In essence, I believe I am the moron he thinks I am and a complete fraud.

I spent years trying to get my husband to connect again making every excuse in the book for his behavior, unable to comprehend that it had all been a ruse to begin with and that I really was just a role he manifested. Basically, I married the very male version of my narcissistic mom.

Add a SA at age 14 that I only disclosed on paper to my psychologist recently (because who gives a shit, hasn't everyone been abused?), and there I am: A mass of guilt- ridden anxiety that can no longer handle working more than part time, is only now putting together her own neuroses and basically gets up in the morning because lying there eventually becomes too painful in my head. I am here because I need to figure it out in this lifetime. I want to believe I am worthy and after reading here for awhile I know there are others who have answers, who are capable of empathy and carry similar burdens.

Thanks for reading.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome @Toren. Sorry for the reasons you are here, but you will be met with understanding and support.

It doesn't really matter how the dx came about. What matters is that you are already taking steps to create a support system and with people who have some if not all of your issues.

There is nothing easy about this journey. But it is doable. And even if things don't always get 'better', they do get 'different'. And 'different' can be very healing.


Many people here who are going to understand and hear you. Glad you have landed here. You are not alone.
 

grief

Sponsor
I expect rejection and ridicule but thirst for understanding and solid truth.
you will not be ridiculed here. welcome to the forum. and it certainly sounds as though you belong here quite wholeheartedly.

Basically, I married the very male version of my narcissistic mom.
you are not a moron or a fraud. this is very common for people to do. it is human nature of gravitating toward those who are familiar. and those people know that you are vulnerable to them because of that. hopefully that you can provide your self a bit of compassion with this. but even if you cannot you will find it here from us.

because who gives a shit, hasn't everyone been abused?
abuse is unfortunately epidemic within our species. trauma is indigenous to our culture and our society. brushing it off for that reason is not feasible. the fact of that it is so common means we should be giving more of a shit. not less. and it is a terrible thing. and it is terrible that it happened to you. 🫂
 

Toren

Learning
Welcome @Toren . I'm sorry you've spent years in such a painful situation. It's not stupid at all. That's how it was. You did the best you could and you also got out. I hope this journey on the forum will be healing and caring for you. Be certain you are welcomed and listened to :-)
Thank you for your words of acceptance. I realize much of my belief system is illogical but persistent.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I am sorry for the pain you have gone and are going through @Toren . But you should be very proud of becoming a psychiatric NP, recognizing the pain that came from your mom, getting away from the abuse, and bravely facing and working towards your own diagnosis and treatment. In some ways it also may have slowed you down from recognizing it in yourself simply because you were functional, and diagnosing and helping others who have suffered from war.

I also agree with @grief that the familiar can seem stable, But we all pretty much do the best we can and most are trying to find or choose that which we think is stable and safe. Sometimes it is, but sometimes it isn't. Hopefully your present and future will be kinder and gentler than the past has been.

Welcome to you! 🤗
 

Toren

Learning
you will not be ridiculed here. welcome to the forum. and it certainly sounds as though you belong here quite wholeheartedly.


you are not a moron or a fraud. this is very common for people to do. it is human nature of gravitating toward those who are familiar. and those people know that you are vulnerable to them because of that. hopefully that you can provide your self a bit of compassion with this. but even if you cannot you will find it here from us.


abuse is unfortunately epidemic within our species. trauma is indigenous to our culture and our society. brushing it off for that reason is not feasible. the fact of that it is so common means we should be giving more of a shit. not less. and it is a terrible thing. and it is terrible that it happened to you. 🫂
Yes just being reminded about repeating patterns
you will not be ridiculed here. welcome to the forum. and it certainly sounds as though you belong here quite wholeheartedly.


you are not a moron or a fraud. this is very common for people to do. it is human nature of gravitating toward those who are familiar. and those people know that you are vulnerable to them because of that. hopefully that you can provide your self a bit of compassion with this. but even if you cannot you will find it here from us.


abuse is unfortunately epidemic within our species. trauma is indigenous to our culture and our society. brushing it off for that reason is not feasible. the fact of that it is so common means we should be giving more of a shit. not less. and it is a terrible thing. and it is terrible that it happened to you. 🫂
Thank you as just reading your words of support and reminding me of how certain people zone in on vulnerabilities has eased that self blame flame I stirred up writing this intro. I agree, abuse is horrific, and my emotional reaction to others' abuse experiences is always strong. It is only when it concerns my self that I feel high shame and fear I would just be burdening the psych or worse yet, seen as a complainer. Irrational as the instant fear of immediate danger when sitting safely at home with the doors locked. A pattern.
 

Toren

Learning
Welcome @Toren . I'm sorry you've spent years in such a painful situation. It's not stupid at all. That's how it was. You did the best you could and you also got out. I hope this journey on the forum will be healing and caring for you. Be certain you are welcomed and listened to :-)
Thank you for being wonderful enough to write and for helping to decrease the doubt over the validity of my dx. It has taken me a few days to get bACK here after posting my intro which threw me into somewat of a panicked state complete with cryng, fear, nausea and avoidance that I think springs from being vulnerable.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
I'm glad that you found us. It always seems easier to deal with other people's problems than our own. When that hammer finally hits us it can be quite a shock to our system. Panic, crying, dissociation and fear to name but a few. I hope that being here is helpful to you. There are lots of supportive people here and a wealth of experience. Keep on posting and hopefully you can begin healing. Best wishes S3🙂.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
yup, it’s not easy to see that we can be heard and seen. It’s all weird at first. Then you find a ground. It’s progressive and it feels very nice. Don’t hesitate to ask questions and write, there isn’t a wrong way to do it. There are people of all kinds here and diverse experience that is really helpful!
 
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