Toren
Learning
Have fretted over this intro as this is a huge risk for me emotionally. I expect rejection and ridicule but thirst for understanding and solid truth. I am tougher than I sound. I think.
Here goes.
Been diagnosed with a few things since about 2003 when I saw a psychiatrist because I couldn't grocery shop without panicking or having visual illusions like seeing a bug scuttle underfoot or a mouse behind the frozen peas.
Many meds and diagnoses followed after a forced hospitalization in 2014 for psychosis, complete with all the paranoia and every kind of hallucination imaginable. The impact of the 2 years I spent trying to act normal and the trauma of the whole ER experience, subsequent return to unsafe household and rejection/humiliation by my practice partners have left a mark.
Last week, my psychologist interpreted testing and diagnosed me with PTSD with dissociative symptoms and DID nos to go along with the MDD with psychotic symptoms and GAD. Here is the real kicker..
I am 50 and have worked as a family and psychiatric NP for many years. I am separated after 23 yrs of marriage to an active duty combat vet and have diagnosed my share of soldiers. In essence, I believe I am the moron he thinks I am and a complete fraud.
I spent years trying to get my husband to connect again making every excuse in the book for his behavior, unable to comprehend that it had all been a ruse to begin with and that I really was just a role he manifested. Basically, I married the very male version of my narcissistic mom.
Add a SA at age 14 that I only disclosed on paper to my psychologist recently (because who gives a shit, hasn't everyone been abused?), and there I am: A mass of guilt- ridden anxiety that can no longer handle working more than part time, is only now putting together her own neuroses and basically gets up in the morning because lying there eventually becomes too painful in my head. I am here because I need to figure it out in this lifetime. I want to believe I am worthy and after reading here for awhile I know there are others who have answers, who are capable of empathy and carry similar burdens.
Thanks for reading.
Here goes.
Been diagnosed with a few things since about 2003 when I saw a psychiatrist because I couldn't grocery shop without panicking or having visual illusions like seeing a bug scuttle underfoot or a mouse behind the frozen peas.
Many meds and diagnoses followed after a forced hospitalization in 2014 for psychosis, complete with all the paranoia and every kind of hallucination imaginable. The impact of the 2 years I spent trying to act normal and the trauma of the whole ER experience, subsequent return to unsafe household and rejection/humiliation by my practice partners have left a mark.
Last week, my psychologist interpreted testing and diagnosed me with PTSD with dissociative symptoms and DID nos to go along with the MDD with psychotic symptoms and GAD. Here is the real kicker..
I am 50 and have worked as a family and psychiatric NP for many years. I am separated after 23 yrs of marriage to an active duty combat vet and have diagnosed my share of soldiers. In essence, I believe I am the moron he thinks I am and a complete fraud.
I spent years trying to get my husband to connect again making every excuse in the book for his behavior, unable to comprehend that it had all been a ruse to begin with and that I really was just a role he manifested. Basically, I married the very male version of my narcissistic mom.
Add a SA at age 14 that I only disclosed on paper to my psychologist recently (because who gives a shit, hasn't everyone been abused?), and there I am: A mass of guilt- ridden anxiety that can no longer handle working more than part time, is only now putting together her own neuroses and basically gets up in the morning because lying there eventually becomes too painful in my head. I am here because I need to figure it out in this lifetime. I want to believe I am worthy and after reading here for awhile I know there are others who have answers, who are capable of empathy and carry similar burdens.
Thanks for reading.