Sufferer New - favorite thing? curling up into a ball

zissouNP

New Here
Feeling unmoored.
For a while I was feeling what I described as ennui - bored, tired of everything, dull.
Well, had a super stressor at the end of June that carried on through July and that was that.
cPTSD from childhood
PTSD from being a provider during the pandemic.
I'm no longer working on critical care/resuscitation medicine service. I do house calls, palliative medicine, lots of work with the most vulnerable people in our city. We do laugh, ok?

ADA letter coming from provider for work - they have been very supportive. With the ADA accommodation I'll have more legit flexibility when it comes to work load. Bad days, are bad.
First available appt with Psych Resident (only residents are taking the PTSD cases): December
First available appointment with social worker for intake: January
Meds: wellbutrin, clonidine for sleep, inderal three times a day, prn xanax (took 1 then lost the bottle, super stressor was an unexpected move), medical marijuana

I've started listening to the PTSD, surviving to thriving and it has helped - like many I really battle with the idea that i'm being overly dramatic, i just need to get my shit together, put on my big girl boots, shake it off -
the thing is, what has worked in the past isn't working now.
And that is really terrifying.
Like will I ever not feel like this?
It feels so all encompassing, inescapable, to big for me to hold.
I don't have to describe or explain what happens - I've read through some posts here and know that you know
I am so tired and sad and angry.
I started to write about all the great things in my life and erased it. This is also something I do - Tell the truth, worry it's too much, and add something nice to 'balance' it out.

While I am waiting to be seen by the specialist I am reading and listening. Talking about it right now doesn't help - i just start to spin out and once it starts well, here I am on this forum after sobbing intermittently on the floor of my home office, in the dark, with my limbs tucked in as tight as possible.
(because the dishwasher was loaded crappy and I decided that I had to rearrange it before placing the rest of dishes in (how hard is it to do it right?) then reached into the cabinet for a glass - one was stacked on top of the other - and a glass fell over on the shelf and broke)

I know I need to re-establish routine of non-negotiables. Another consequence of the move was loss of routine
For a while (I took better care of myself during the pandemic than after it, it seems), I had 3 non-negotiables:, movement, connection
For the last 5 days or so I've started meditating again when I first wake up. I'd like to keep it going for a couple weeks and then add movement. I am here now and actively seeking connection.

I could go on, there is a river in me.
And, I think this is enough for now.

Cate
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
hello cate. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

cPTSD from childhood
PTSD from being a provider during the pandemic.

when corona crowned, i was doing fairly well at managing the psycho ticks of surviving child sex trafficking, but the global shutdown happened in the midst of a major family crisis which had us embroiled in family court and the foster care system. it weren't corona, so it didn't count and i do wonder if my little ship of fools --3 young orphans and two senior citizens-- is suffering a form of ptsd from all the covidic yaddah blahs. dare i hope that the med pros who are beginning to claim ptsd for their slice of the corona pie might broaden their consideration to other dazed and confused ? ? ? participants. dunno. . . i've been medical distancing since 1995 (my last physical) and the covidic yaddah blahs have only increased and reinforced the social distances.

dunno. . . i guess i'm babbling. . . trying to find safe words for my discomfort with the new normal. perhaps just a new psycho snot knot from my c-ptsd?

returning the thread to you. . .
welcome aboard. hope you find stabilizing companionship here.
 

MaplePancake

New Here
Welcome. I am also fairly new here and was a pandemic provider (respiratory therapist). I also feel like I should have my shit together. I think there is a general sense among health care providers that we should be infallible. I am so sorry you are having a hard time. You are not alone.
 

Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome! That's how we all feel at that tipping point - like we should be able to get our poop in a group - but we just can't.

Wasn't that long ago when things went wrong I lost the plot and was severely affected.

Hope you find the same kind of help living with PTSD here that I did. I don't know I would be where I am now without it.
 

zissouNP

New Here
You are not alone.
Thank you - we are not alone Like you, I was up front and center. And they were sketchy to intubate -
It’s hard to convey the knowing that yes, I did the job, but what had to happen internally to manage the terror (that first few months) that I might get this thing, be permanently disabled from it or die. Or, give it to my children/husband - that’s the thing that’s hurting me now (this invisible process that helped me then)
I did the thing. Here’s the cost.
Now I gotta come back from this - and with what I’ve seen here, it’s absolutely possible. I’ll be different sure, but I deserve some peace in my heart and an organized, present mind.
We all do.

Edited to add clarifying info/words
 

zissouNP

New Here
Stabilizing friendship - love that. Thank you.

Welcome! That's how we all feel at that tipping point - like we should be able to get our poop in a group - but we just can't.

Wasn't that long ago when things went wrong I lost the plot and was severely affected.

Hope you find the same kind of help living with PTSD here that I did. I don't know I would be where I am now without it.
Thank you 😊
 
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