Hi everyone. I don't know where else to turn at the moment.
This past weekend I was doing my best to avoid a flashback. It's like the image/short clip would try to play but then I distracted myself enough. Well, I did the best I could but it was like "nope, you're not getting away that easy!" It brought my emotional defenses way down, so work on Monday was super stressful.i think normally I could have handled it, but I just hit my "I'm done" wall.
I woke up yesterday irritated and angry. I wasnt angry at anything in the moment, so I think it was past anger I never felt. The images were constant and they wouldn't stop. I thought maybe it was clips of a previous event I knew about, but I confirmed it wasn't .. It was new. I luckily had therapy yesterday. It was the first time I ever read anything about any flashbacks. Unfortunately it was very fragmented, not complete sentences. I started going "fuzzy" while writing and my handwriting got more childlike... It was odd.
Anyway, in theory I guess it's progress my mind is now "allowing" (aka forcing) me to deal with further incidents. It certainly doesn't feel like that right now. I'm bombarded with sudden thoughts of "you're too F-ed up, your friends deserve better..." And suicidal ideation (no plans). Logically I know it's just my mind's response to "just make the pain stop!"
I put off negative coping skills for days until today. I was chugging along fine until this spontaneous new flashback... When it hits out of the blue, no immediate trigger I could connect it to, etc hits me much harder. I think it goes from "hey look, I'm doing better! Then BAM... Nope here we go again.
Will it be like this forever? Will my brain just finally let it all go or does it *have* to process everything to move on? My therapist said I don't need to know everything, every event or every detail. That would be nice, but when new events pop up, I have no control over that. If only I could just "move on."
I also hate and feel so embarrassed that in addition to feeling the past, anger, and other emotions I can't name...I then feel like I regress from a 30-something male to a child again. I hate it.
I'm doing my best to sit here at work. At least I made it in, but I'm unsure if I can stay the whole day. No one knows at work I have PTSD and I doubt I'll share, but I...I dunno, lost my train of thought.
Thank you for reading, even if this is disjointed. I just think the new random incidents that pop up out of the blue impact me much more these days than recurring ones I'm "used" to. It's like "here we go again...."
I guess I'm feeling kind of hopeless and defeated right now. :( I hate this.... Why won't my brain just leave me alone.
This past weekend I was doing my best to avoid a flashback. It's like the image/short clip would try to play but then I distracted myself enough. Well, I did the best I could but it was like "nope, you're not getting away that easy!" It brought my emotional defenses way down, so work on Monday was super stressful.i think normally I could have handled it, but I just hit my "I'm done" wall.
I woke up yesterday irritated and angry. I wasnt angry at anything in the moment, so I think it was past anger I never felt. The images were constant and they wouldn't stop. I thought maybe it was clips of a previous event I knew about, but I confirmed it wasn't .. It was new. I luckily had therapy yesterday. It was the first time I ever read anything about any flashbacks. Unfortunately it was very fragmented, not complete sentences. I started going "fuzzy" while writing and my handwriting got more childlike... It was odd.
Anyway, in theory I guess it's progress my mind is now "allowing" (aka forcing) me to deal with further incidents. It certainly doesn't feel like that right now. I'm bombarded with sudden thoughts of "you're too F-ed up, your friends deserve better..." And suicidal ideation (no plans). Logically I know it's just my mind's response to "just make the pain stop!"
I put off negative coping skills for days until today. I was chugging along fine until this spontaneous new flashback... When it hits out of the blue, no immediate trigger I could connect it to, etc hits me much harder. I think it goes from "hey look, I'm doing better! Then BAM... Nope here we go again.
Will it be like this forever? Will my brain just finally let it all go or does it *have* to process everything to move on? My therapist said I don't need to know everything, every event or every detail. That would be nice, but when new events pop up, I have no control over that. If only I could just "move on."
I also hate and feel so embarrassed that in addition to feeling the past, anger, and other emotions I can't name...I then feel like I regress from a 30-something male to a child again. I hate it.
I'm doing my best to sit here at work. At least I made it in, but I'm unsure if I can stay the whole day. No one knows at work I have PTSD and I doubt I'll share, but I...I dunno, lost my train of thought.
Thank you for reading, even if this is disjointed. I just think the new random incidents that pop up out of the blue impact me much more these days than recurring ones I'm "used" to. It's like "here we go again...."
I guess I'm feeling kind of hopeless and defeated right now. :( I hate this.... Why won't my brain just leave me alone.