New here, problems with anxiety need advice

L

Lost In Space

Hello,
New here but I've been dealing with anxiety since Oct. of 1995 when I was stopped at a traffic light and began to feel sick to my stomach, feeling I was going to faint and then feeling like I couldn't breathe. I was so scared as all of these symptoms came out of the blue. I was able to get myself to the nearest ER and with some oxygen and blood work and speaking with a Social Worker, I was told I had had a panic attack. At that time I had had a long talk with my Mom trying to share with her some deep seated emotional things from way back when I was a child but all she could do was tell me I was always to sensitive. I also had my only daughter pregnant and not married and making a move to live with her boyfriend.....her situation made me feel like a total failure as a Mother. I also found out my husband had given our son $3,000 after promising me that we would stop giving him money as that was not helping him but enabling him to be irresponsible. So I felt my whole world had fallen down around me. I also worked as a nurse and it was a stressful job never knowing what would be happening at any moment. I had to quit working as my anxiety became worse and soon I couldn't even drive to get to work. I've been on Valium, which eventually stopped helping after I had taken 100 mg. of the stuff over a 9 hr. period. I never got sleepy or had any effects at all even staying awake until 2 am. I've taken Ativan for a short time but in the last 15 years I've been taking Clonazapam. I am tired of my doctor thinking I am a mental case and now he won't even refill it without seeing me....why? My situation has only become worse with the passing of my husband of 47 years and living alone without any support from my kids or brother or my oldest grand daughter who is 29. I don't want to bother any of my family for they all have issues of their own. I had to call my doctor this morning Oct. 15th as I had asked the pharmacy for a refill and they have sent a fax to my doctor but I find out he has to see me. I told that idiot woman on the phone that I do not feel comfortable coming into the clinic now with COVID in my area having increased with at least 1,000 people testing positive daily for the past week and at least 15 people having died. I was asked about doing a call over telehealth but my phone doesn't do that. I have a simple phone as all I need it for is to make phone calls. So now I am in the dark as to what to do. I found an online pharmacy where I can buy what I need if I want to pay over $160. Should I go ahead and buy what I did? Thanks one and all. It is a horrible disorder to deal with and my mornings are the worst for me too. I hate my life and only want to feel like normal people.
 
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