Sufferer New here, trying to reach out

Hi
Just found and joined this site today, so Hi.

Diagnosed with cptsd in 2017 and started therapy with a clinical psychologist. For various reasons we had to keep stopping therapy and restarting. In 2020 covid happened and everything f2f just stopped. I'd started EMDR with the psychologist but then she retired at the end of 2020 so we never finished our work. The CMHT then discharged me because I wasn't able to continue attending in-person appointments. Since then I've been drifting, trying to find something/someone else to help. I eventually found a therapist I really connected with and was able to trust, then she became ill and subsequently died, her death absolutely shattered me. I'm now trying again with another therapist but it's not the same, I don't have that same connection, I'm wary about opening up too much in case I lose her as well.

I'm trying to avoid my usual go-to response of just shutting down as I know that isn't helpful but I'm struggling to stay connected to everything and everyone. It's not a life, it's an existence.
Hoping someone can relate.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hello @shadowonthewall 👋 , welcome to the site ☺. Stopping and starting therapy is very frustrating and I'm sorry your one passed away, that's a shock. Is it possible to maybe have that conversation with your therapist. To say "I'm committed to having therapy but I'm nervous because of what's happened before"?? You might be pleased with their response.
 
Thanks for the quick response @Survivor3

I have had this conversation with curent-T a couple of times, and she does her best to reassure me but it doesn't help. I have an inherent distrust of people and it took the best part of a year to build that trust with ex-T who died. I can't ask for any cast-iron guarantees because no T would be able to give them, it wouldn't be fair or reasonable. The problem is with me, not them. I need to find a way around my own defensiveness, take a chance and start to trust again. Just not sure how.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
hello shadow. welcome to the forum.

I'm wary about opening up too much in case I lose her as well.

gentle empathy on this score. after adding the 2020 madness to my ptsd baggage car, i'm finding it difficult to trust anything or anybody. after 2 and a half years of the masky dask with constant murmurs of more to come, maintaining proper social distances feels like the surest protection available. as a child prostitution survivor, my social distancing skills are so intense that i even knew what social distancing was before the corona crowning. 6 feet never was enough social distance for me unless it was 6 feet under. good thing my social distancing skills proved therapy resistant, huh? i'm not sure i could have survived the covidic years without them.

sigh. . .

works in progress.
 
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