Undiagnosed New here, undiagnosed cptsd but in the process of getting there

[SA-nix]

Hi everyone.
31 m. Been a lurker for a few weeks and decided I want to post. Like the title says I'm currently undiagnosed but the counselor ive been seeing since Feburary of this year wants me go see a specialist to change that.

The short version, as a young teenager I spent approximatly 6 months locked up in juvie where I was sexually assulted by a staff member repeatedly, was assaulted by both other staff and other teenagers and also witnissed both things happen to others there as well

Im at the point in my personal and professional life where if I dont start to deal with this im going to ruin all the good things Ive built and worked for in my life so I am here to just talk and learn.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum. That’s one helluva ‘short version’. I’m sorry you have reason to be here, but hopefully the place is helpful.

 

[SA-nix]

Welcome to the forum. That’s one helluva ‘short version’. I’m sorry you have reason to be here, but hopefully the place is helpful.

Thanks, just being able verbalizing what happened has been a big improvement for me compared to years of being in complete denial of it even affecting me.

 

[zaniara]

I'm sorry you had to endure all that! But good you've decided to start the journey to healing. It's a brave and good decision. Welcome on here. It's a good place to find support.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Welcome! This is a great place to heal. I have benefitted so much from being on this forum, I hope you do too.

 

[arfie]

hello sa-nix. welcome to the forum. congratulations on your courage in stepping out of the shadows and onto the healing path.

Im at the point in my personal and professional life where if I dont start to deal with this im going to ruin all the good things Ive built and worked for in my life so I am here to just talk and learn.

i come from a prison legacy which had my birth family calling prison, "the family alma matar." prison is where we learned the finer points of criminal life. springing from there, i am projecting that your complex ptsd was already quite complex before you reached the "higher education" of juvenile detention. just projecting. there is no doubt that was the case in my own birth family. proof available.

i'm a grizzled old warhorse now, but half my lifetime ago found me as a mother and businesswoman whose ptsd symptoms were emerging in ever-greater strength under the stress of keeping all those balls in the air. ouchus maximus. . . it was harder than hard, but tools i picked up through pro therapy and peer support helped me get through without joining the family legacy. mostly. . . those therapy tools work when i work them. i hope they work for you, as well.

for what it's worth
here in my "golden years," i'm still loonier than a toon, but i have learned to manage those symptoms well enough that i am more often called, "eccentric" than any of the other euphemisms for mental illness.

 

[SA-nix]

hello sa-nix. welcome to the forum. congratulations on your courage in stepping out of the shadows and onto the healing path.

Thanks for the kind words, much appreciated

i come from a prison legacy which had my birth family calling prison, "the family alma matar." prison is where we learned the finer points of criminal life. springing from there, i am projecting that your complex ptsd was already quite complex before you reached the "higher education" of juvenile detention. just projecting. there is no doubt that was the case in my own birth family. proof available.

I almost wish your projections of me were true because I would probably feel alot less ashamed of the entire situation. I came from a middle class family of well educated professionals. My mother was a medical professional and my father, ironically enough, was a public defender. I was a very dumb kid who got caught up in some very poor and stupid choices on my part and got involved with the legal system. How much responsibility a 13 year old should have to take for fighting with their parents to the point of kicking holes in walls, petty shoplifting, and being an ass in general is debatable. Did i need some correction and probably punishment, absolutely. Did it warrant being assaulted and having bones broken, or being molested by a 50 year old man, no. But even people I was locked up with would laugh and tell me i didn't really belong in the same place as the kid who burned down his family's home in a fit of rage, drug addicts, people who've nearly killed or probably have killed other humans. My probation officer at the time told me once unlike his other cases i wasn't going to grow up to be homeless or a baby daddy by 16. NO, I was going to grow up and commit white collar crime, writing fraudulent checks, scams, and other modest financial crime. He said my mind was wired for it. I ended up getting a bachelors in political science and become a social worker for disabled people. I sure showed him.

But honestly that's been and still is a big hang up for me. Should I reeeeeally be upset and hurt by a handful of months where bad things happened to me? Why is this still on my mind consistently 15+ years later? Why cant I stop being a pussy and move on from this? But on the flip side I sometimes feel very out of place around my well to do white collar coworkers. Its hard to relate sometimes to someone whos never seen a full grown adult punch a teenager in the head into unconsciousness and the most violence they've ever seen was a bar fight. Oh man, I'm so sorry you're baby shower was totally ruined by the venue over booking and you wasted 3k on it. Did you know I was raped multiple times by a man 4 times my age? And then the little voice in my head tells me to stfu, it wasn't Guantanamo Bay there, it wasn't Abu Ghraib. People spend years at a time in places like that, you measured your time in double digit weeks. Eventually you got out and you aren't a repeat offender whos been in and out of the system for years now completely broken by it. Stop being such a child. And around and around and around my mind goes.

 

[DharmaGirl]

But honestly that's been and still is a big hang up for me. Should I reeeeeally be upset and hurt by a handful of months where bad things happened to me? Why is this still on my mind consistently 15+ years later?

This is a normal PTSD response to trauma. I remember telling my therapist that my life wasn't like the holocaust. He said it was my own holocaust. Downplaying our trauma is what we do. Yes, you should be upset by a handful of months where horrific things happened to you. Your brain still thinks it is happening. I think one of the hardest things to do when starting therapy for PTSD is accepting that something terrible happened to us and shaped our understanding of the world. You have done an amazing job of making a good life for yourself, and succeeding in your career and your decision to get help before it gets out of hand is a wise one. Horrific things happened to you which you didn't deserve. I didn't remember any of my childhood trauma, I had dissociative amnesia. I didn't know I had PTSD, I was an RN at a hospital. When I was 52 I had a complete mental breakdown. By getting help now you can avoid the whole breakdown part and just move on to the healing part.

 

[arfie]

Stop being such a child. And around and around and around my mind goes.

pain is pain, regardless of age, emotional maturity, gender or origin. it exists to let us know something is wrong. fix it. you can get lethal gangrene from a paper cut if you abuse it hard enough. validating the pain is the first step in healing.

stay true to you, sa-nix. hope healing happens here.

 

[SA-nix]

pain is pain, regardless of age, emotional maturity, gender or origin. it exists to let us know something is wrong. fix it. you can get lethal gangrene from a paper cut if you abuse it hard enough. validating the pain is the first step in healing.

stay true to you, sa-nix. hope healing happens here.

There needs to be a hug emoji for comments, but I also get that might be uncomfortable for people here so a like will have to do. Thank you my dude.

 

[Ecdysis]

Hi @SA-nix

I don't know if you're aware that Paris Hilton went through a similarly traumatic experience with teenage incarceration? I'm certainly not a fan of hers but found the documentary about her where she explains what happened to her as a teenager very moving and shocking. If I remember correctly, it was her parents that had her put in a "correctional facility" for out-of-control teenagers. If you google "paris hilton trauma correctional facility" you'll find the details and the documentary is available on youtube. I think she started a survivors group for people who were at that correctional facility as teenagers as well. I don't know if maybe it's validating to hear that someone that everyone knows went through something similar?

 

[Riley Jones]

Hi @SA-nix

I don't know if you're aware that Paris Hilton went through a similarly traumatic experience with teenage incarceration? I'm certainly not a fan of hers but found the documentary about her where she explains what happened to her as a teenager very moving and shocking. If I remember correctly, it was her parents that had her put in a "correctional facility" for out-of-control teenagers. If you google "paris hilton trauma correctional facility" you'll find the details and the documentary is available on youtube. I think she started a survivors group for people who were at that correctional facility as teenagers as well. I don't know if maybe it's validating to hear that someone that everyone knows went through something similar?

Hello there,

While it's true that some people find it validating to hear that someone they know or admire has gone through a similar experience, it's also important to acknowledge that every person's trauma is unique and that comparing or minimizing one's trauma to another is not helpful or appropriate. It's understandable to want to find connection and support through shared experiences, but it's important to keep in mind that everyone copes with trauma differently and that seeking professional help is an essential step in the healing process. Thank you for sharing this information about Paris Hilton, but please keep in mind that each person's experience with trauma should be treated with empathy, compassion, and respect.