New Member Relieved To Find This Forum

[scarlet]

Hi,
I'm forty-eight and I discovered I had CPTSD last year after decades of struggle. I was sexually abused and tortured by my father from around two years of age, also witness to his violent rages against my mother. I was sexually abused by my uncle when I was ten and then again at twelve, and raped at nineteen.

After a decade of living out of control, I had twin daughters. Their father, I discovered when they were four, had been sexually abusing them. When I sought their protection in the family court, I endured almost five years of litigation and stalking. A year later I married a man who turned out to be bipolar; an angry man prone to manic rages who was particularly nasty to my daughters. I left him last year when I fled from NSW to Melbourne to start a new life now my daughters are both at university.

It hasn't been easy. I find myself alone, lonely, moving through the range of PTSD symptoms day by day, almost hour by hour. I was on Efexor for eighteen months, which increased anxiety and dissociation. Now I am not taking anything, but I have to say, it isn't easy. Before Efexor I avoided medication. I think I have become sort of accustomed to my symptoms, especially the anxiety and dissociation. Dissociation is itself a bit like taking a drug. If it's all too hard, go numb. The hardest thing for me at present is isolation. Which is why I'm pleased to have found this forum.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Welcome to the forum....Dissociation.....Almost like a vacation you don't leave home, or spend $$$....I do it a lot too.

 

[Suzanne]

Hi scarlet,

My heart goes out for you in your struggle. I was abused also as a child by my brother and my parents really don't want to acknowledge it - my mother doesn't really believe it was anything more than "sibling rivalry". I truly understand your struggles with relationships and dissociation. Most of the time, I feel like I'm not really human. I see other people having normal lives, with normal ups and downs and I've never had that, so I often feel like a different species. I don't ever remember feeling secure, or safe.

I've had troubles with medications too. My problem is that after being on anti-depressants for several months, I find myself doing off the wall things and I'm beginning to wonder if I am bi-polar. Another issue is I don't have medical insurance (i'm in the US) and so I can't afford doctor visits and prescriptions by myself. I have figured out a way to order some medication from overseas, but I'm terrified to try it. I think I know what I can tolerate but I'm scared to go back to meds without a doctor to help me. I saw you are in Australia...do you have access to a doctor/meds for yourself? If you do, I encourage you to try. I wish I had that access and would give anything for a doctor's care right now.
Warmest wishes to you across the ocean,
Suzanne

 

[scarlet]

Hi Suzanne,

I relate to what you say about not feeling human. My mother lives in denial too. I feel like the scapegoat, somehow blamed for what others did to me. As I child I was so often told not to make mountains out of molehills. All the while I was having post-trauma nightmares I was too ashamed to tell anyone about. It took me until I was thirty-three to tell someone.

I do have access to doctors and meds. I have been trying to cope without taking pills but it isn't easy. There are two main things that help me. One is swimming and the other is talking to people who understand. Otherwise it's like being in the ocean, adrift in a dinghy in a hurricane.

Warmest wishes to you too,
Scarlet

 

[h2o]

Hi Scarlet,

Welcome to the forum and sorry you went through those things. I also find that talking to people who understand, and exercise seems to help. I just find I am physically too ill with the CPTSD symptoms sometimes to exercise at times so I just have to maximise on the times I am feeling okay.

I found self-hypnosis to be quite useful for a while although don't seem to do it as much as I used to. I can relate to the finding it hard without meds - I started on citalopram last week which gave me really bad side effects, and I had to come off it. They have now prescribed something else but I am too worried to take it at the moment in case I have the same side effects.

Wishing you all the best, sending you warm wishes and remember you are not alone. I'm new on here too but this forum is great to chat with others who can relate to what you're going through.

h2o

 

[LnSrvvr]

Hi Scarlet, back 30 years ago when psych meds were in their infancy, I was treated for depression with tricyclics. Since I have PTSD too, which wasn't even a diagnosis then, the elevation of all of my monoamines just made me feel even more tense so I stopped.

The latest episode of depression started five years ago and two years ago, they started me on Trazadine but I threw it all back up so I stopped. Then it was Paxil and then Paxil with Bupropion and that helped but I got so tired of the metallic taste that never went away, the feeling that I had just taken acid 30 minutes earlier, the lack of sexual satisfaction, and the sensation that I was feeling too good, if you know what I mean, that I stopped. I felt like I was feeling good even though nothing in my life was better and I was continuously angry for weeks on end.

Now I'm taking mirtazapine and that seems to be fine so far. I'm able to feel emotions and sort out what the source of those feelings is and act appropriately, I don't feel like I need someone else's approval just to feel like I'm going to survive, and I can work my way through bad dreams while I'm having them instead of waking up tired and stressed. I still have lows but I haven't been feeling suicidal. I'm on the minimum dosage but I'm willing to try more if that's necessary.

It sounds like I'm a living history of psych meds, doesn't it? They do help and it says nothing about your value as a person if you need them but finding the right meds can be time consuming and will give you a lesson in patience. Hope I've helped. Neil

 

[scarlet]

Thanks Neil,

I was prescribed mirtazapine several months ago and the box is sitting in a drawer unopened. I'm still feeling uncertain about taking anything after I experienced dreadful withdrawal symptoms when I came off Efexor. When you say that taking psych meds doesn't reveal anything about the value of you as a person, I agree. It is causing me to reflect on the way I tend to avoid things once I've had a single negative experience. This is the way I restrict my life. So, yes, you have helped. Best wishes, Scarlet.

 

[scarlet]

Hi h2o,

Thank you for replying. It is good to know I'm not alone. When I first realized I had CPTSD a year ago I felt isolated. It can be tedious and sometimes fruitless to explain to non-sufferers what the experience of this is like. I have had people tell me that I'd better get rid of it, straight away. Mostly, though, people find it impossible to understand.

I find that when I'm not dealing with one aspect of CPTSD, I'm trying to cope with another. The impact it has on my life is huge.

Best wishes,
Scarlet

 

[Learning123]

Hi Scarlet,

I'm sorry that you have experienced all this and I'm glad you have found hope in this forum.

I hope you don't mind me asking this question and please don't feel like to have to reply if you can't. I'm trying to learn about PTSD because I am close to someone experiencing this. You said...

"There are two main things that help me. One is swimming and the other is talking to people who understand. Otherwise it's like being in the ocean, adrift in a dinghy in a hurricane."

When you talk to people who understand, do you mean fellow sufferers or people who try to understand?

Also when you say that it's like being in the ocean, this is something that has been described to me by the person that I know, I just wondered how that feels and if I can help when she goes through this.

I really don't want to intrude on your own thoughts and experiences so if I'm out of line just say, but I really want to help her, and I want to avoid triggers, I feel that the more I educate myself, the more I can help.

Thanks

 

[James B.]

Hello scarlet, welcome to the forum. Isolation was really bad for me too, this place has helped a lot.

 

[Seneca]

Welcome to the forum.

I definitely never went through anything that severe. Seeing your children go through that has to be one of the hardest kinds of trauma, because you're probably trying harder than most parents to keep that from happening. How do you dissociate, or numb out the pain, when the pain is someone else's?

Just letting you know you have my sympathy. I certainly wouldn't want to make you feel worse than you already do.

 

[scarlet]

Hi Learning 123,

I don't mind your questions. It helps when I talk to other sufferers and to people who do make that huge effort to understand.

The ocean is vast, the hurricane severe and the dinghy almost incapable of coping. I don't have a solid core self from which to act and respond to my environment. My personality is fragmented, so in that sense I'm adrift within myself, floating, often lurching from one fragment to another. My 'trauma self' is probably the hurricane within. The metaphor I'm using here shows how hard it is to navigate, how hard it is to have a sense of control, how overwhelming experiences can be. I am very easily overwhelmed by people and events. I am highly sensitive, I maintain an uneasy poise within, and I'm always close to edges. What I am finding more and more is the need to feel empowered. Whenever I hear words of encouragement from friends that help me to feel empowered I feel good. In other words, affirming strengths, talents, virtues, self-belief, independence. I hope I am making sense.

It is pleasing to know that you wish to help your friend. I wish you all the best.

Scarlet