Hi sorry about the length here I'm trying to figure some things out. I'm new to this forum. I thought I had depression and anxiety only, but last year I read about dissociation and realised that it fits a lot of my symptoms. After a few awful years (sexual assault, grief, unemployment) everything got gradually worse and I increasingly had night terrors with screaming etc.
Last October I had a visual/emotional flashback to my childhood. It was short but intense and I spent the next few days trying to figure it out. I knew it was from Australia where we lived when I was small, and it was fear and pain that I couldn't process at the time. That week I drank heavily one night and a man groped me at a concert. In bed later had what I now know was a somatic flashback: frozen on my back being pushed down by someone and trying to push them away. Eventually I kneed myself in the face and that broke it off, I 'woke up' (even though I was awake) on the floor next to the bed. I had chipped my tooth and split my lip open. The next day I felt bad and drank a lot, on top of that I took painkillers and ecstasy, probably because part of me wanted to die happy. A few days later I ended up in hospital in a bad episode of unreality. Despite being with professional psychiatrists I didn't talk about the flashback and told myself it was just a dream.
Then last week it happened again but an auditory flashback early one morning. An Australian man saying things to me. I tried to shake it off and spent the weekend with my boyfriend at a festival. On Monday I began to think about it again, and suddenly I had auditory and visual memories that wouldn't go away...memories from when I was very young including having to go to hospital. I always remembered that anyway, but there were more memories surrounding it. And suddenly yesterday in bed (alone thankfully) I had horrible, horrible phsyical flashbacks that I couldn't stop. Shaking, spasms, crying and the feeling like something was gagging me. It happened again this morning but I was more prepared, I tried to look at the room and remind myself where I was.
I know where and around when most of these took place - the worst one was when I was 11 and it didn't happen again after that maybe because I struggled or becuase I hit puberty. But he always covered my eyes or told me not to look at him and how can I be sure it's who I think it is? And there was another man too one time. But everything is so emotional and physical and NOT visual it feels unreal..could it have been someone else? Or could it be from the sexual assualt I suffered as an adult and I'm creating fake memories? I don't want it to be real becuase it was my best friend's dad.
Last October I had a visual/emotional flashback to my childhood. It was short but intense and I spent the next few days trying to figure it out. I knew it was from Australia where we lived when I was small, and it was fear and pain that I couldn't process at the time. That week I drank heavily one night and a man groped me at a concert. In bed later had what I now know was a somatic flashback: frozen on my back being pushed down by someone and trying to push them away. Eventually I kneed myself in the face and that broke it off, I 'woke up' (even though I was awake) on the floor next to the bed. I had chipped my tooth and split my lip open. The next day I felt bad and drank a lot, on top of that I took painkillers and ecstasy, probably because part of me wanted to die happy. A few days later I ended up in hospital in a bad episode of unreality. Despite being with professional psychiatrists I didn't talk about the flashback and told myself it was just a dream.
Then last week it happened again but an auditory flashback early one morning. An Australian man saying things to me. I tried to shake it off and spent the weekend with my boyfriend at a festival. On Monday I began to think about it again, and suddenly I had auditory and visual memories that wouldn't go away...memories from when I was very young including having to go to hospital. I always remembered that anyway, but there were more memories surrounding it. And suddenly yesterday in bed (alone thankfully) I had horrible, horrible phsyical flashbacks that I couldn't stop. Shaking, spasms, crying and the feeling like something was gagging me. It happened again this morning but I was more prepared, I tried to look at the room and remind myself where I was.
I know where and around when most of these took place - the worst one was when I was 11 and it didn't happen again after that maybe because I struggled or becuase I hit puberty. But he always covered my eyes or told me not to look at him and how can I be sure it's who I think it is? And there was another man too one time. But everything is so emotional and physical and NOT visual it feels unreal..could it have been someone else? Or could it be from the sexual assualt I suffered as an adult and I'm creating fake memories? I don't want it to be real becuase it was my best friend's dad.