DID New part

Ecdysis

MyPTSD Pro
So, I got re-traumatised a few years ago and it's done my head in like nothing else in childhood trauma has.

I think maybe during this experience, a new part emerged. Certainly, I don't know this part/ side/ aspect of myself.

There have been both deeply negative and deeply positive experiences regarding this new part.

Ever since being re-traumatised, this part has been totally dominant, has taken up nearly all the room/ time and the "me" I've been used to all my life is relegated to the sidelines and almost gone.

This part has very different interests/ values/ priorities than me... This part basically doesn't care about "my" life at all and wants to pursue totally different plans and goals.

It's a very weird experience.

I feel like this is a part of me that went missing during childhood abuse... So this part turning up feels like a homecoming, like being reunited at long last.

But it's also creating the hugest mess in my life.

This part doesn't know my old friends and acquaintances and can't relate to them. This part can't relate to the work I do for a living or to where I live.

It's like I've become a stranger in my own life.

I keep finding out random bits of information about this part, but am pretty much overwhelmed and clueless as to what I should do.

For a long time, after being re-traumatised, I fought really hard, to get things back to "how they had been". Which I guess entailed trying to get this new part to go away so that I could be the old me again.

Anyone who's got experience working with parts knows that trying to make them go away is bound to end in failure.

I'm so confused by this situation and it scares me too. I can't grasp how the old me can suddenly be redundant and irrelevant.

And I have no idea how to deal with this weird new me that feels like a stranger and who's taken over my life.


(I currently don't have a therapist. My old therapist retired and my health insurance won't cover therapy costs again until January 2024. It sucks, but there's no point discussing it atm, cos it's simply not an option right now. I've done a lot of trauma therapy over the years tho, so I'm just going to have to work with what I learned there, for now.)

Sigh...

Maybe I should start by giving the new part a name? I'm going to go with Amy for now.

Amy scares me, feels like a stranger and feels like coming home, at the same time. And she feels much more powerful than me. (Whatever "me" even means anymore...)
 
Hi Ecdysis,
I can relate to bits of what you've shared here...
This part has very different interests/ values/ priorities than me...
and wants to pursue totally different plans and goals.

It's a very weird experience.
I think I can relate to what you've said in the above 2 quotes. Only in my experience there's no complete split so I'm experiencing both sides of myself in tandem, though one comes to the front more than the other at times and this changes often.

I know how scary that is. I know how tiring that is and very disorienting.
So this part turning up feels like a homecoming, like being reunited at long last.
I see this as a positive actually. But I also understand you're having to deal with ...
But it's also creating the hugest mess in my life.
And I think this bit you've said above here is because of the abrupt arrival and the fact your usual you has now gone to the back... although I'm not you, I would say your usual you likely hasn't nearly disappeared completely. Though it feels like that now because of the split.
This part doesn't know my old friends and acquaintances and can't relate to them. This part can't relate to the work I do for a living or to where I live.


It's like I've become a stranger in my own life.

I keep finding out random bits of information about this part, but am pretty much overwhelmed and clueless as to what I should do.
So I'm not a therapist. I have DDNOS. I struggle with accepting my diagnosis and go in and out of feeling / thinking that I do have it.. But, I do relate alot to many dissociative issues so I'll give you my thoughts - feel free to ignore if they aren't helpful or relevant.

I'm wondering if you can start with a scrap book of information about Amy. Writing down things you know about her already and things which you'll learn about her. Maybe do some free writing where you also invite Amy to talk / draw more about herself so you can get to know her. This may or may not work for you. But the act of putting some time aside to see if there's a way you can try connect to her to find out more about her may be a good process in itself for you to start to have some control (in a healthy way).

In a similar way, separately from that, I wonder if you can write all the things down about your usual you who you feel is disappearing now. Facts you know about your life that your usual you has done and usual does toget you through the day. This may be helpful in bringing back some key info to your system to then help you / Amy (if appropriate) navigate daily life. I'm not sure if your memory will be able to function like that and regain some of that info that way.

For a long time, after being re-traumatised, I fought really hard, to get things back to "how they had been". Which I guess entailed trying to get this new part to go away so that I could be the old me again.

Anyone who's got experience working with parts knows that trying to make them go away is bound to end in failure.
And I wonder whether in that process you'd be able to either ask Amy if it's ok for you to show her some of your work / info about past friends etc (or to explore what it is together) Not sure how old Amy is and whether this would be possible or appropriate?

I'm so confused by this situation and it scares me too. I can't grasp how the old me can suddenly be redundant and irrelevant.
I can see why this is scary. Have you got anyone other than on here that you can speak about this with? I don't in my real life world so I don't expect that to be a yes for you either. But you aren't alone either way.
(I currently don't have a therapist. My old therapist retired and my health insurance won't cover therapy costs again until January 2024. It sucks, but there's no point discussing it atm, cos it's simply not an option right now. I've done a lot of trauma therapy over the years tho, so I'm just going to have to work with what I learned there, for now.)
I think that's a great idea. You'll have good knowledge already about some things which work for you. Trust your gut. Take time to sit and think when you're ready...
Amy scares me, feels like a stranger and feels like coming home, at the same time. And she feels much more powerful than me. (Whatever "me" even means anymore...)
Let the dust settle with Amy's arrival...

Have you heard of this resource...


I think you may find some useful tips and info....
 
Maybe I should start by giving the new part a name? I'm going to go with Amy for now.
What would the new part like to be called?

We're thinking that a good goal isn't to get them back in the box, but for the you-writing-the-post part to learn how to talk and be present with this new part, and for the new part to learn how to take part in that as well.

The question that comes up for us is which of you holds the trauma, both the original trauma and the retraumatization? Working through that will make it easier for the parts to work together.

Good luck!
 
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