Sufferer New- Relapse Of Symptoms

RNrecovery

Learning
I have posted a few times and wasn’t sure if I was supposed to give an intro. I have a history of CSA, physical/emotional abuse as a child. I came down with Bipolar 1 my freshman year of college. It was a blessing in disguise because it forced me to seek out cognitive therapy and work hard to create a stable balanced life.

About 6 years ago my abusive parent and spouse died in a murder suicide. I am an only child and picked up the pieces and moved on. At the time I powered through and was fine. Covid rocked my boat through. An already high stress job felt untenable. I couldn’t do my normal activities. Three family members died in close succession. I’ve been struggling with flash backs, panic attacks, and have bre close to suicide more than I care to admit (I’m ok right now).

Im trying to put the pieces back together now. I am in therapy and it’s a godsend but I have a hard time accepting I need it. Often or feels alone to be going through this.
 

that_1_girl

Learning
I can assure you you’re not alone. I went through 10+ years of CSA (by a variety of non-family members, one in particular) and decades of psychological and emotional abuse from two narcissistic parents that mutually enabled each other, as well as by a bunch of different therapists who enabled my parents and/or psychologically and emotionally abused me themselves, lasting until age 36. Financial abuse/control is still going on by them, well into my 30’s. I am in multiple treatment modalities but it isn’t enough, looking at a complex trauma inpatient admission sometime soon and I am having a heck of a time convincing myself that any of this is real or that I need help. All this despite 35+ Psychiatric hospitalizations since age 13. I’m 37. It is hard to admit you (still) can’t do it on your own. It is really hard to have either hope or faith in humanity after such awful experiences. I believe there is hope for you. You seem like you have coped much better than I did/do. You’ll be in my thoughts. Blessings.
 

RNrecovery

Learning
That sounds so hard. Don’t think of yourself as don’t worse than someone else. I was lucky that I had a few key adults looking out for so me I had some idea that people excited who were unconditional capable of love and kindness.

I get not feeling like this is real. Even with everything I’m dealing with I don’t like to say I have ptsd. Not because I think I’m better than someone with ptsd. I assumed others have it so much harder than me so what I have doesn’t actually deserve giving energy to.
 
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