New Relationship And Trigger

[Newatthis30]

Hi all,

I very recently started dating someone that suffers from PTSD. He told me he did after he came home and found his father passed away in the kitchen floor. From the way he talked about his dad, I can tell he carries some guilt (I never saw my dad's swelling, one of the first warning signs of a heart attack, etc).

We are long distance and recently spent a weekend together that could not have been any better or more amazing! He laid his heart out to me, we have discussed marriage and a future family, and truly loved each other. The morning of the day he was going home he got a message that his very ill grandfather (dad's dad) passed away. He was very, very close with his grandfather and had told me he went to hell and back for my boyfriend. I could tell he was in shock when just the night before he was telling me he wished I could go meet him the next day, when he was planning to visit on his way home. He kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me and it wasn't goodbye, just see you later. Within a couple hours he had blocked my phone number and social media. Needless to say, I'm devastated. I've left a couple of voicemails, not sure if he will get them, just expressing my love and support for him and that I'm here for him.

What do I do? Is it possible his grandfather's death triggered his PTSD from his dad's death? Is it possible he feels guilty for being away from home having a wonderful, happy weekend with me when his grandfather passed? Does he just need space and will reach out to me eventually? Or am I shut out for life? I'm new to this and trying to educate myself because I see a long term future with him if he comes back to me. Any help is greatly appreciated!

 

[Sweetpea76]

What do I do?

There is not much you can do that you haven't already done.

This is PTSD. He could have been triggered by the death of another father figure... at the very least it is a massive stressor. Here is some reading that may help.

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/stressor-vs-trigger-what-is-a-trigger.9903/

Some sufferers isolate as a coping mechanism. He may be one of them. It's a way to protect themselves when they are overwhelmed. When a sufferer isolates, there really isn't much you can do except give them some space and time.

I'm sorry... it is very frustrating and confusing.

 

[Saint Nik]

First of all, he has just endured a loss and it sounds like a significant one as well! This of course wont help his PTSD, he will be in utter and complete shock before grief hits him!

My advice to you is, let him know you love him, that you are there for him and that you care, either by a subtle message, letter, phone call. . . just letting him know and give him space and leave the ball in his court to get back to you. It will be up to you how long you would like to wait, this could be weeks, could be months. . . but he will be in utter dismay and shock and grief will hit him hard as well as bringing back memories of his father!

He wont need the pressure of the start of a relationship, he may be protecting himself, he may just wish to be left in peace, he may really appreciate your subtle messages of showing you are there and that you care. But under no circumstances put pressure on him concerning a relationship, or what you want or your needs on to him right now as you will get nada! Wounds right now for him will be open, raw, painful, or he could be numb to everything for the time being (and believe me, the numbness will be took over with a great deal of pain!)
By your post, you mention that you had an amazing time together, he was upfront and honest and you became close right from the start. . .so yeah, keep in touch, let him know you will give him space, love, kindness, support, whatever it is he needs.

And now the biggie. . . you count too, okay? You cannot be there for him about to go through this shit storm if you are riddled with insecurities, doubt, worry, concern of your own feelings of the relationship, his head wont be where yours is at! So, you have to take care of yourself too, keeping clear boundaries, if it gets too much, you take space for yourself, do things for you, stick with your own support network, see friends, go out and do things, recharge your batteries. . .etc.
You will gain so much strength and stability with a sound mind if you approach this with always you in your mind first and he is your second priority.
No conditions, no expectations. . . and look after yourself first. . .always!

p.s Keep coming on here, because it is going to be hard and you will find some periods it can or might take it's toll on you. . .you will definitely get all the support you need on this site! I really do wish you all the luck, and sympathies for your partner. Please take good care of yourself.

 

[Fadeaway]

This question, at least similar forms of it come up very often. That means you aren't alone. It is very common for us to isolate in times of stress. Even in times of good stress!

What do I do?

Let him have his space but reassuring him that you are ok with him taking as much time as he needs. If he knows you are ok, that will eliminate at least one stress for him.

Is it possible his grandfather's death triggered his PTSD from his dad's death?

Most likely.

Is it possible he feels guilty for being away from home having a wonderful, happy weekend with me when his grandfather passed?

I would say very likely.

Does he just need space and will reach out to me eventually?

None of us know for sure, but given the nature of his reason for isolating, I would venture to guess that you just need to patient and give him time clear his head from the shock.

 

[Newatthis30]

Thank you all so much for your responses. It's very reassuring knowing it isn't just me. He has a wonderful heart. I'll continue to periodically let him know I'm here and love and support him. Not knowing much about PTSD prior to this, I was unaware isolation was a symptom. I'm doing my research so I'll be prepared to support him if he reaches back out to me. Thank you again!

 

[Newatthis30]

Also, I found out his grandfather actually passed away a couple days ago and not Sunday. I'm not sure if there was a miscommunication. So he has blocked me before this happened and is there a reason he only seems to have blocked me out and no other friends or family? I feel devastated at the thought of never hearing from him again.

 

[Saint Nik]

So he has blocked me before this happened

It of course is your call. But if he rejects you once more, please for your own sake, cut your losses and walk away and find comfort from your own support network. He has his reasons and he might never disclose them with you. I know you had an amazing time with him and it breaks your heart, but you can take away these amazing memories, instead of making hellish ones, by hanging on to something that might not happen.