New to the Site. Having Issues - Depression, Drugs and Bad Eating

[Snoogans]

So, I have never posted any of my info on the web before......I am a male who was beat up as a kid by my mother and grandmother, was adopted after my mother was killed at 10, was seduced by my adopted mom at age 15(this went on for a couple years), saw my first graphic death at age 9 and was an EMT for years, thus being exposed to more vile images than I could have imagined.

I have always been a thinker and that has allowed me to keep some sort of sanity. But I have always been a mouthy and unruly type who has had some sort of verbal strife for as long as I can remember. My grandma and I fought all the time and I can recall being as mean and powerful in my fighting as possible...even back then. After I was adopted my mom an I fought constantly....she was trying to impose and I was not having any of that. This escalated to physical outbursts/activities that included breaking whatever possible, slamming booze, playing with fire, and cutting my arm with a knife...to name a few.

I can be very loving and giving but in most of my close relations, the closer I get the easier I am hurt..and that means the more angry and explosive I can get....sometimes over nothing. So lets say that my coping skills are poor although they have worked to some degree. Many of my interpersonal skills are good and I have been able to achieve much more in life than I once thought. However, some of my interpersonal skills are horrid and I have created much misery for others as well as for myself.

My anger and the ease at which it is aroused started to concern me in my mid to later 20s. I saw a therapist and I could out talk and out think her..so that didnt go well. Then I saw a therapist on a recommendation from a friend with some anxiety issues. he was correct in that this therapist was amazing. She was very on the ball and , in fact, she has been one of the few people in my life that I was unable to out think...she was always 1 step ahead. With her it was all honesty all of the time,and thats what I needed. Plus she was very sharp and was full of good info. So at this point I have been diagnosed with PTSD, "borderline tendencies", and pretty severe chronic depression. its to the point that I have NO ambition or ability to follow through...and its this last issue that eats at me every day of my life. My only good therapist retired this spring and I have moved to a new state. This has set me back and I have gone downhill even worse than I was before seeking help.

I wanted to go to college..but I didnt. I wanted to learn to play music...but I didnt. I have shelves full of books that i wanted to read, but never have. Had I been able to follow through...on anything...I have no doubts that I would be rich and famous. I have managed to do well though as I have no formal training in my current field but I have carved out a spot for myself and I always work with and have supervised those with so much more education then I have.

I eat as much as possible these days, till I feel ill. I smoke weed sometimes and when I have any I smoke heavily every day to the point of passing out every night. This also leads to more food issues in the form of munchies. I need enough drive to get back into real therapy, get to the gym, and generally give a crap about myself. How does this happen??????

 

[Nam]

Congrats Snoogans, you've taken a real step into therapy, right here, by writing your first post. Yes, one on one therapy with a "smart, witty" therapist would be good for you since, to me, you are very intelligent and witty. I hope that you find what you are looking for. And I also hope that we can contribute to your well-being...

Welcome Snoogans...

Nam

 

[piglet]

Welcome aboard! Nam is right - you are doing something already, because you have recognised that you need to do something. You HAVE done something, because you have posted here. Stick around. Do some reading here, one post at a time. Take it slow, step-by-step. Remember what your good therapist used to say to you - their advice will still be valid for many things.

Take care of youself as much as you can.

 

[YoungAndAngry]

Hey Snoogans and Welcome!

I wish I had more energy right now so I could type out all the things that were going through my head while I was reading your post!

You aren't alone in your frustrations. I was in an "accident" that changed my life forever.
And this happened 2 weeks before my college graduation!
I only had 1 course final test to take... needles to say the school was nice enough to allow me to accept my diploma on stage before I was able to write that test!

Now... after all that studying/learning/dreaming ... and wasted scholorships...
I'm sitting here at home... unemployed... and too scared/exhausted/angry to go outside and live my life.

Welcome, and I'm so glad you found us :)

 

[anthony]

Hi Snoogans,

Welcome to the forum. As already mentioned, not a bad step in that you stepped outside your normal bounds, posted about yourself in public, which in itself is like taking a giant leap. I actually understand what you are saying about outwitting people, as I think I have often felt that way my entire life. I say that because, when I have a conversation, I am already processing outcomes, thoughts, other methods, means and variations to the current keywords and phrases within a conversation. I do it with just about every post here. I think we have something similar going on there. Whatever I have done in life, I have always exceeded normal standards, and even with those who are more theoretically qualified than myself, or intellectually smarter I guess. I think what your possibly saying (if I am reading this correctly) is that your a very commonsense type of person. You look at everything with a commonsense perspective, and your outcomes are applied with commonsense, not theory or practical experience only.

Once again, your another person who has been taken advantage as a child by the very people who should have been looking after YOUR best interests, and not their own selfish needs. It quite honestly sucks, and every time I read anothers story about childhood abuse, it just hits home with me more and more that being a parent should come with a license first. No license, no children.

I need enough drive to get back into real therapy, get to the gym, and generally give a crap about myself. How does this happen??????

You answered your own question... Nobody can force you to take care of yourself, only you can do that. It is a mental challenge, nothing more. You can wake up and tell yourself, "fu*kit, I don't give a shit" or you wake up and tell yourself, "I am going to have a healthy breakfast this morning, right after I have a shower and spend a hour or two in the gym working out!" It is all Psychological, nothing more, nothing less. The brain is an amazing tool that humans still can not comprehend to its capacity of intelligence, and continues to astound in everyday occurences.

We make cognitive thoughts all day, every hour, every minute, every second... constantly. You can tell yourself, "I can't walk to the top of that mountain" so you won't, because you've talked yourself out of it before you began; or, you can tell yourself, "this is going to hurt physically, but I can get to the top of this mountain," which you then will, because you have mentally prepared yourself.

You demonstrate above that your mental capacity is strong, yet your depression is still the winning influence at present. Beating depression is mostly achieved by simply telling yourself how things are going to happen, and MAKE them happen, not just think about them. Start small, and climb your way out of the shithole that depression often leaves us within.

Create a goal for yourself in small steps, think positively, and don't allow your brain to control you in a negative light. Only accept positive and "do's" not "don'ts". Read [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread171.html"]unhelpful thinking styles[/DLMURL], and begin applying the positives over the negatives to get yourself beyond the initial depression and anxiety.

So, starting small... what does that mean? Well, that could simply mean, cut back your pot usage so you still have it, are not going to suffer huge withdrawals, but only have one or two per day, so you don't get the cravings that go with it. In the meantime, book yourself a gym session, or even better, personal trainer session, and make yourself attend. You will be amazed afterwards how much better you will feel, even though you will probably hurt like all hell from no exercise for such a long time. Your anxiety and depression will be doing everything possible to hold you back from attending, but you need to mentally say "get fu*ked", I am going to the gym and working myself. Get rid of all the crap food in your house, and when I say crap, just about anything in a packet that is pre-made is crap. Stock your cupboards and fridge with healthy only food, ie. yoghurt, fresh fruit and vegetables, meats, fresh herbs and spices, etc etc. Go get yourself some good cookbooks that use all fresh ingredients, and not these crappy one's that supermarkets put out telling you to use this or that from a ready made packet. Cook yourself some meals and freeze them... better eating alone is about 50% of beating depression, because all the rubbish that our bodies have to process from packaged food without depression is enough strain, let alone with it, so by removing all the artificial colours, flavours, preservatives, sugars, blah blah, helps our bodies process and function better, provides more natural energy (ie. what bananas provide) and overall healthier thinking. Food and exercise are the main factors that need to be considered in beating depression. Beat depression, and the rest is then very workable in small chunks.

 

[Snoogans]

Thx all for the advice and kind words.

Anthony, I do agree that we have some sort of similer pre-thinking deal going on. I assume its a defensive tool used to pre-read and plan in a rapid mannor. You are also correct in judging my thinking style, although the more stressed the less I actually think and the more I just run on instinct.

I have dropped weed cold turkey, for now with no issues. Cant say I wont use it again....

I am also looking for a new therapist that can do cognative therapy like DBT.

I have gotten a lot more fruits and meats in my diet now. Hoping to start cutting the sugers out sorta slow. Soon as I can afford it I plan to re-book a personal trainer I had.

One step at a time...we shall see.....

 

[reallydown]

Hi Snoogans, welcome...this is a good first step...i was scared initially too but just posting a part of my story still took a load off...I totally understand the need for an intelligent therapist...the first one I went to--after I described some of my experiences as a child in a war zone--she asked me if i'm happy!!!!!! I totally understand the frustration. Anyway, glad you're here (I'm actually new as well). Good luck .

 

[kimG]

Snoogans,

Don't be too hard on yourself. As Anthony said, start with small steps. That's the key with anything we want to do; if we start small and build from there, we'll succeed. If we don't, we are destined to fail - at the start.

It's great that you realize you have a problem and have taken steps to fix it. I've known for some time now (probably half my life) that I had a problem but I just didn't know what to do about it. As scared as I was, I took the plunge and sought help. It was and still is amazing to me!

Finding this place has been a Godsend to me and probably almost everyone else. It's great to know that I am not "crazy", that my thoughts are ones that others have had, that my actions are right in line with the PTSD. This is a great place to visit, cause almost anything you say will be understood by almost everyone here; some have probably even gone through and done the same things you have! Besides, it's also a great place to vent, cry, complain, and whine without someone around you telling you to "get over it."

It's great to have you here! I am looking forward to hearing more from you.

Kim

 

[anthony]

That is absolutely great snoogans... such positive steps forward for your better future. Well done... and you deserve to give yourself one hell of a pat on the back for your efforts. The things you are doing are sometimes huge steps for others to even take, and your a definate leader in PTSD recovery, and I know what that takes, having done it myself.

Having to fight the mind is our hardest battle, as our natural instincts are saying one thing, and our brain another. I am a very big person on instincts, and I like what your doing with yourself. Again, well done, and I mean that, not just saying it.