Sufferer New to this site, but nothing new to this site. CPTSD, therapy soon.

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New Here

I am new and will probably sound like many before me and after finding this site. I have CPTSD, starting therapy recently and soon EMDR. I have been in therapy a couple of other times in my life. The first time intensely when I was 14 and throughout high school, the second time for a few years about ten years ago. I am a health care worker having been thru the trauma of the pandemic and the forced isolation as well as the pressure of furthering my professional credentials in the hospital system taking grueling exams further isolating myself and triggering my past issues. I see 35 to 40 patients a day and am basically a shut in at home. Its strange how the pandemic reinforced the patterned behaviors that come with complex ptsd suffering. I have few friends and my last relationship ended with being dumped a few months ago. Like many here I don't know who I am anymore. I am just beginning to understand what emotional flashbacks are and triggers and it seems I have been in a flash back for a couple of years and they seem to be getting worse. I have sought reprieve thru various addictions which reinforce my CPTSD. There is a lot of grieving that needs to happen, a lot of shame that I carry. I read The Body Keeps the Score a few months ago and it blew me away. One thing that stuck with me was when Van Der Kolk in Chapter seven describes the work he did at The Children's Clinic in Massachusetts and creating his version of Henry Murray's Therapeutic Apperception Test with children in the clinic and those at a nearby school. Its the responses of the children in the clinic that hit home. Seeing randomly, innocent photographs from magazines brought intense feelings of danger, terror and distrust. That benign situations brought with it opportunities of catastrophe. I understand this as my trauma started when I was six years old. Its strange and a bit unnerving when you don't trust your perception of reality and the actions of other people. The misjudgment and lack of discernment I have has caused much pain. So I am grieving and in the sea of emotions that comes with CPTSD.

I have never joined anything like this. Its good to know I am not alone.

Thank your for your time for anyone reading this.

Welcome to the community, @Barb. If you have questions about using the forum or it's features, reach out via Contact us.

Its strange how the pandemic reinforced the patterned behaviors that come with complex ptsd suffering
Yeah - For anyone who used isolation as a maladaptive coping mechanism (I'm raising my hand to that), the pandemic was a very slippery slope backwards.
I can relate to much of what you’ve shared. That’s the beauty of this virtual space - I’m new to this site as well and one of the things that’s stands out to me is how for every person that posts, someone reaches out and connects.
Here’s to hope
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