Sufferer New to this...

Mute

Learning
Hello I'm new here and hello. I'm 40 and a man and have been triggered continuously lately. I feel so terrible that I lost my job again for the 50th time or so. I have been in constant physical pain for over 20 years. The damage keeps happening and it's like the damage is a negative compound interest that just keeps heaping up into a man made mountain of skull f*ckery of all the pain and suffering my kids and loved ones experience because of my failures that are apparently my fault. What hurts the worst is that my failures are directly affecting my children. And the pain gets worse when I realize how much I have been taken advantage of and left in the dust to eat dirt with the constant railroading when I try to get help so I can be a better Dad.
 

Tornadic Thoughts

MyPTSD Pro
Greetings, and welcome, @Mute . Glad you've found this community, but definitely not glad for the reasons. I think you'll find a lot of folks here who can relate in many ways. It's a jungle out there trying to get help, it seems. I experienced some hellish attempts at finding it, too. May something happen in your favor soon. Meanwhile, take good care of you as best you can. I wish I had answers.
 

Mute

Learning
And like I don't know what is considered inappropriate here but I would like to disclose my diagnosis and what happened to cause the shit. Diagnosis of cannabis dependency in 1994 ( anyone know how a 13year old in the 90's could have been able to depend on cannabis?...me either.) Oppositional defiance disorder, conduct disorder, and juvenile delinquency as a child. As an adult I get diagnosed with PTSD, adjustment disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and depression. I have PTSD from several traumatic events but the one that affects me the worst is when I was hit by a car on my bike on purpose and when I arrived at the hospital in trauma the Dr injected me with a huge injection of epinephrine when I was begging for pain medicine. The neck brace was way too big and they tied me down to the bed as she was dumping a huge dose of epinephrine into my IV that the paramedics started in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. When I get triggered it's just like the injection of epinephrine that made me explode inside like I never imagined possible and still to this day can't understand how bad that hurts until I am reminded of it after a constant trigger and to see others entertained with my pain is got me so twisted.
 

Mute

Learning
Greetings, and welcome, @Mute . Glad you've found this community, but definitely not glad for the reasons. I think you'll find a lot of folks here who can relate in many ways. It's a jungle out there trying to get help, it seems. I experienced some hellish attempts at finding it, too. May something happen in your favor soon. Meanwhile, take good care of you as best you can. I wish I had answers.
Thanks for the welcome and reply.
 

grief

Sponsor
welcome mute. i am sorry that you are going through such a diffecult time right now but i am pleased you were able to reach out and describe a bit of your story. that all sounds incredebly challenging to have gone through. it sounds like you have grown into a consencious person as an adult.
 

Mute

Learning
Thanks grief. Yes it's been incredibly challenging but at the same time I can't complain about being alive in the world today it's all incredible and everything is amazing. I do need help and have been trying to get help because I'm trapped in 5 extremely disturbing situational circumstances that slammed me at once and pushed me over the edge a few weeks ago and I freaked out at work and quit and now they won't let me come back to work. So now I'm totally screwed right now because those 5 things that bother me so bad are now 6 bad things I can't do anything about and are not going get any better and is going to get especially worse if I can't get another job soon. And it's been impossible for me to even fill out a job application because I'm so preoccupied with anger and disgust disappoinment fear helpless and hopelessness and like I can't sit still and focus for even moment. Then I get so burnt out from being so pissed for so long. So I find it helpful to read the posts on here. I'm not so computer smart so I don't have any experience writing like this. I feel good to give help to someone. Even though I don't know how much my advice is worth considering I'm a 40 year old man that still doesn't have his shit together despite my efforts. But like I said I can't complain because something amazing has happened a couple months ago I learned that I have a 22year old daughter. We met twice so far and I also found out she is pregnant so I am going to be a grandpa also. Its something that I can not explain how energized I am about learning about my daughter ...or how awful I feel because I don't have anything for her and can't do anything for her because I havent held down any of the many awesome career opportunities that I put myself into. And burnt my bridges as I built them and now I'm like what sort of bridge can I come up with now...
 

grief

Sponsor
Its something that I can not explain how energized I am about learning about my daughter ...or how awful I feel because I don't have anything for her and can't do anything for her because I havent held down any of the many awesome career opportunities that I put myself into.
i am a bit younger then you but i am a father as well. my kid is about to be 15 real soon. having a job and shit? is meaningless. it is.

and i get that this statement will cause push back. because sometimes it's not meaningless. sometimes people have jobs that mean a lot! because either their job makes them happy. or they're doing significent work. they're helping people in signifcent ways.

but most jobs are stupid. and don't need to be done. they just exist because money exists. as a parent your most important resource is not money. it is love. and compassion. and nurturing. these are things that don't require employment.

and arguebly they are more f*cking importent anyway. just showing up for her? is a huge deal. don't discount it. 👋
 

Mute

Learning
Thanks for the heads up. I believe the same thing about work. I believe our culture in America expects us adults to put a job priority over family. And the system matches the threat with severe consequences like loss of all the things we have like home transportation fresh water sewer and garbage service tv internet phone...all the shit costs money and without a job I don't know how to get money.
So in our culture in America it is important to have a job. And I don't like it and hate it but at the same time it's like what would it be like if we adults didn't have the burden of financial responsibility that most have to work for it?
It really hurts that I don't have a job because I don't have any other way of earnings money or have any income. I don't qualify for unemployment, or social security and constantly attacked by child support has the title to my truck so I can't even sell that to get me by. My situation is definitely enslaving because I don't have enough support and the people that should have been there for me are still putting me down and willing to let me suffer in homelessness calling me ungrateful and put down like that. Its been a challenge to start getting to know her and not burden her with any of my problems like she doesn't know about any of the problem's I have. I am worried she is going to be disappointed about finding out who her dad is with all the shit he can't handle and how he fails in the system. As soon as I found out to my surprise that I have a 22year old child I took one look at her picture and I know she is my daughter and I love her and my new grandson on the way and my new son in law and all his family. I met them all at her baby shower and it was just unbelievably awesome and rad. I hada great time and was totally satisfied and relieved that she has a great family and lots of awesome friends. Thanks for your feedback... knowing that someone actually read my post and gave feedback is good vibes.
 

Mute

Learning
I'm not sure how to use this...I don't even know what to call it...a website forum? But reading other stories and struggles and being able to say something I think might be helpful is elevating me with some comfort in the microscopic yet super mega shit storm that I am trapped in. And super awesome to know that someone else read what I wrote and replied.

Rite now I am petrified in fear. I have been stuck in fear for so long and the negative shit just keeps heaping up. 6 weeks ago I started trying to get help because this has happened to me over and over again and I could see I need help. But like I got railroaded again into a counseling appointment with someone I don't know and can't trust and have to wait like another week before the"intake appointment. And like honestly I don't want to waste my time telling the story again that is unbelievable but true to be questioned and validation that I have some unbelievably terrible problems that no one has any advice or recourses that can help. Really all I need is some drugs to help me get back on my feet and like because of my medical record passing a rumor that I am canabis dependent from like when I was a young teen ...you all know ...they only prescribe me meds that suck and don't work. And so in the past I have tried prescription meds from a friend that worked like a dream and like the Dr just ignores my request and makes me try whatever they want me to try. And so far after 20 years of trying to help myself they still haven't prescribed me any kind of medicine that's been effective. And like so lately all I can do I call the local crisis line. Working out at the gym is helpful but my fear is got me not going to the gym. I'm having beer for breakfast and I am already completely broke after 1 month since I freaked out at work and quit my job. I usually smoke weed too that sucks because it is still an acceptable bias across the board. But I don't sleep well without it and can not afford it or afford to keep medicating with it because of the employment barriers. And by medical definition that labels me an addict and the Dr won't prescribe me the drugs that I know will help me. Its like I think I proved I can handle having opiates for 6 weeks after my clavicle plates were installed and quit cold turkey and have suffered in pain for over 18 months since my last surgery. And my shoulder is so f*cked up and hurts so bad all the time. Its like completely obvious to the naked eye that my shoulder is not rite. But the surgeon and several Drs keep saying it's in anatomical alignment and it's clearly not. Its the most f*cked up gaslighting... Basically calling me a faker and I am in a lot of pain and only 4 weeks ago a new Dr finally prescribed me a nerve blocking pain med that actually works better than an opiate that I had no idea about and never heard of. This is great but since I lost my job I lost my medical insurance and connection to the healthcare and can't afford it. And now I have to start all over with whatever is available for help...a totally controlled railroading with a no choice take it or leave it not helpful help.
 

joeylittle

Administrator
Welcome, @Mute. Sorry to hear things are really tough right now.
I'm not sure how to use this...I don't even know what to call it...a website forum?
I can give you a couple of quick tips -

1) Think about starting a Trauma Diary. It's a good way to have a thread that is just for you to write in, about whatever's going on. The regular Trauma Diaries can be read by guests and members, and are also indexed on search engines. The Member Trauma Diaries are for members only (so no guests) and aren't indexed on any search engines, so they won't turn up on google or such.

Edit to add - never mind, you found them already 👍

2) Just browse around, you'll get a feel for it. And if you have any questions, you can ask staff by starting a thread in Contact Us.
 
Top