Newbie With A Spouse With Recently Diagnosed PTSD

[Jawn]

Hello all. For the past several years my wife has been getting more distant and more angry which has put a real strain on our marriage. She has also pushed away most of her family as well. Things finally came to a head a few months ago and after her sister threatened to drag her to the doctor by her hair, she finally went in to see her primary care doc. He diagnosed severe depression and put her on anti-depressants. She then saw him once a month for several months and the dosages were increased over time. She is better with the meds, but not back to the person she used to be. Her doc urged her to see a psychiatrist for further evaluation and a medicine check which she refused to due until there was a blow up with her boss at work. It almost cost her her job and that's when she finally realized that the doc might be right......she needed to do more than trial and error with pills. After visiting the shrink a couple of times, there was a new diagnosis......PTSD. So she is now getting treatment for that and I have been reading about it and how to deal with it from my perspective.

I guess the thing that is bugging me the most right now is that I have no idea what her traumatic event was or when it occurred. We have been together for 17 yrs and I do not know of anything traumatic that might cause PTSD. So now I am thinking it happened before we met, although I could be wrong. Have any of you folks dealt with this scenario and how did you handle it? From what I have read, I probably shouldn't pry into it at this point because it might hinder her therapy. Of course then I also wonder if I will ever know what caused this problem?

Any way, her train went off the tracks about 5 yrs ago and I've hung in there this long, so I guess I can do it for a while longer. It's hard though, as you all know. Right now I also hope that her numbness goes away and she can find her feelings for me again and want to continue our marriage.

Any comments would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Jawn

 

[Jawn]

Also, is it appropriate for me to ask her shrink what my role should be in her recovery? What should I be doing to help and maybe things I shouldn't be doing (like if therapy has uncovered that I do things that cause triggers for her). My wife has had 5 sessions with the therapist now and isn't really talking about what is going on at this point. She did tell me what the diagnosis was and that they are changing some of the medications the family doctor had her on. I'm just curious as to what the shrink thinks I should be doing to help in this process, but I'm not sure if I am allowed to call them and ask that question. Any suggestions?

 

[catjudo]

Her therapist can only talk to you if your wife gives permission. You'd have to ask your wife how she feels about you talking to her therapist.

 

[sunshine35]

You know, it's nice to hear someone hanging in there. I know it's tough. I have PTSD and I believe my boyfriend does too. Our therapy benefits were cut--but I finally found someone who would take his insurance. And he's finally taking a med which seems to help. All I can say is that I totally relate. Sometimes I feel like running away—and I have to remember which part of him is talking—the bear or the great guy I love. When people tell me to leave him or that his energy (read: anger) is too much for them, I just don't know what to say. I will try my best to stick by him as he has stuck by me.

I worked in a neuropharmacology lab for awhile making brain drugs (how ironic). I know about neurotransmitters and what trauma does to the brain. Today, he was up for it, and I explained to him what was going on with his brain, why he needed his meds and therapy, and why he was such a bear when he wasn't following protocol. I explained, by explaining his brain, why he seeks out certain things in life that he does. Because he's a certain kind of guy, and because it was a straightforward and not touchy-feeling explanation, I think he got it. And he's willing to try to get better. And as long as he's willing, I'm willing.

It sounds like you're willing too—from a person who's struggled for years, got then got rid of a service dog (he was a puppy—I gave him to my mom), from someone who got an *allowance* of $100 per MONTH and was not allowed to do anything including drive to where I am now—I can tell you that change does happen. If your wife works at it—and it sounds like she is—she may do a lot better. Let her privacy be for now. She hopefully will work out with her therapist what her role will be with you. Let her be assertive—practice that skill—instead of you going to her therapist and asking. Don't enable or coddle her. (I'm not saying you are.) It sounds like she's in a rough spot—but she's in the boat and not in the water. I think that just by seeking out a place like this and other people who understand that you're doing far better than most.

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome to the forum Jawn.

 

[Jawn]

Thanks all. I think from reading posts on this site and some other stuff I found online (plus the PTSD Relationship book) I am starting to figure out what my role is going to be. I have not asked my wife if I can talk to her therapist. I doubt she would say yes if it involved talking about the nitty gritty details of her therapy. While I would love to know what is going on with the therapy, I wouldn't ask that type of question. Only what the therapist thinks I should be doing to help or things I should not be doing. For example, I have no idea if things I do are "triggers" for her. If I knew that, then I would do my best to change my behavior in that regard.

My wife did tell me that the therapist had mentioned to her that she would probably need to talk to me and possibly to other family members at some point. So maybe I will just wait until that happens.

 

[Nicolette]

Jawn I have just given you full member status so you can post in the Carer's section if you have any questions.

 

[Jawn]

Thanks Nicolette.

 

[Iam]

Hi Jawn,

You are an awesome man to be sticking by your wife in this way.
It's sounds like your wife is working at getting better & your caring enough to take the time to learn about PTSD and wanting to know how you can best help her will go far.

My husband has done the same thing and it means so much to me. It's like a light went on for both of us when we started learning what PTSD does to the sufferer. We have been married 32 years and while he has known of my background a some specifics, I only just recently shared with him a lot more. I had written out my timeline and given it to him. I have not given him the details that I have filled in. It is so hard to talk about or even have someone read about them. I have been in therapy 10 months now and am just getting into the nitty gritty. I share with my hubby as I am able. Your wife will too. Now that my husband and I are talking about it, he is able to tell me when my walls come up and I am able to listen. They frequently come up when he asks me about my session or if I am explaining something and he takes it in a different direction. We have both become far more sensitive to eachother's needs. LISTENING to each other without judgement is huge.

As far as talking with her therapist. Remember, she needs to feel safe with him/her. That means knowing that what she says goes no further. In time her therapist, if good, will help her with communicating with you. They may be working on that right now.

I know that my husband compassion for me, being glad and proud of me for working thru this helps. His being willing to not try to pry info out is important too. I appreciate that he asks the questions and is accepting of what I am able and not able to share. He too misses the old me. Says I have been distant since my breakdown 9 years ago. He is right, the walls came up very high and thick simply because I am afraid of experiencing those overwhelming emotions again. Which is exactly why my therapist has taken things so slowly.

Continue being patient, compassionate and understanding. This is a great site for you to learn about your wife's disorder and to gain support for yourself. You might want to suggest that she join the forum herself. One caution.....let her have her privacy here. I blew it and started with my own name and so my husband found me inadvertantly. I told him that I didn't want him reading what I put here. I need the anonymity to be able to write whatever I feel I need to. AGAIN......that feeling safe thing.

Good luck with everything ;o)

 

[Jawn]

Thank you for your reply. It helped me a lot today. You said your husband new a bit about your background which I presume you mean your actual trauma. In my case, we have been together for 17.5 yrs and I have no idea what the trauma was or when it occurred. I am speculating that it is from before we met, but I really don't know. So was this something you had shared with your husband in the past and then you had a breakdown 9 yrs ago when you couldn't suppress stuff any more?

What is the time line you mentioned? Is this for your entire life or just since you started therapy?

I am trying to hang in there, but it sure is hard sometimes. Before she finally got medicated in February, she was a complete witch for the 2 yrs before that. I had started to live my life to avoid her and was seriously thinking about divorcing her. She was angry, mean, and nasty. I think because of that I am almost afraid to talk to her now and ask questions. So I have just been mainly hanging back and giving her lots of space. In some ways I am surprised that I am still here and I know her family is too. Her sister told me at XMAS that I either really loved my wife or I was really stupid to put up with an abusive relationship. Her parents told me they would understand if I needed to move on. I think I figured out how much I loved her and wanted to make it work when she said she wanted a divorce.

She told me then she was numb and didn't feel anything for me any more. However, after the divorce discussion I didn't feel like I could talk to her, so I wrote her a letter. Her best friend later told me that the letter found some feelings some place inside her because when she talked about it she couldn't finish describing it without crying.

After the 1st month she was medicated things got much better. She started telling me good night and good bye when she went to work in the morning. I was also getting hugs and kisses too. Then as the dose increased those things seem to have disappeared. Is it normal to have a blip on the radar like that and then slip back again? Maybe I should say, have you experienced anything like that?

Now she is going to therapy, so I am hopeful again, but some days I just want to beat my head on the wall. I am hoping that in the not too distant future she can at least tell me if she has any feelings for me and whether she wants the marriage to continue or not. This being on hold and not knowing what your current or future status is, is really hard.

Ok, I wrote a short novel here, so I am going to stop.

Thanks for "listening".

Jawn
P.S. Does your husband have any tips that I might be able to use?

 

[ISupportHer]

Jawn,

I will try to comment as I can. I feel like I have felt a lot of what you have.

First about the trauma. That disclosure has to come when she is ready. I know how it feels to feel like you want to know so you can help and that there is frustration NOT being let in. I feel it is just something that cannot be forced. In my opinion, and I am only one guy, it can be counterproductive. That that from one who knows and, in my attempt to "help", made things worse. MY "help" was from MY perspective and not hers. That was part of my learning process. I will say that I still feel it is hard for me to know what NOT to do or say if I don't know what is wrong in the first place. You may feel that way too.

I can, and will, share my thoughts and experiences with you as I can and of course as you are willing to hear them.

ISH

 

[Jawn]

Thanks ISH. I would appreciate any information you are willing to share.