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Sufferer Newly diagnosed after a lifetime of silence and invisibility

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Fuchsia

New Here
Hi. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD recently at age 36. I've been struggling with mental health issues and trauma my entire life, but it's gone untreated and largely unnoticed until I had a complete breakdown at work and lost my job. I'm trying to pick up the pieces now and hoping to connect with others in similar positions here.

I'll try to summarise my story.
I grew up with heroin-addicted parents and a younger sister who has infantile autism and a number of physical and mental handicaps, including some that are self-inflicted by head trauma (she self-harms by bashing her head very hard against the walls and floors). Due to the severity of my sister's illness, doctors and social services mainly focused on her and I always felt too guilty to speak up about the neglect I experienced from my parents, as it seemed so insignificant next to her suffering. There were constant attempts by social services to place my sister in foster homes or institutions, and eventually she was (which was a blessing for everyone, especially her). My parents fought tooth and nail to keep her at home, however, despite the fact that they couldn't meet her most basic needs (including feeding and clothing). After she was removed, they reacted by clinging to me and isolating me, keeping me away from school, etc.
I grew up feeling that my most important task in life was to mask my distress and perform well, so I wouldn't be taken away, too. I guess I felt it was my job to redeem my parents in the eyes of the world by proving that they could raise a high-functioning child despite their addiction and dysfunction. That quest never really ended for me. I was able to put myself through university with top marks and go on to perform well in a demanding job. At the same time I was (and still am) my sister's legal guardian and my parents' caretaker (esp. my dad who is a hoarder and has been homeless at times). I never saw a therapist or received any other kind of professional help, and told myself I didn't need it. I married a man who, despite being a truly good person, has issues of his own and needs me to provide for him.

I felt very depressed, lonely and invisible as a child. For long periods I suffered from an inability to speak in social situations (selective mutism). As a young adult, I felt like I slowly glued myself back together, but there were still all these fine cracks in me. After five years of overperforming at university and six years in the demanding job, those cracks started to show until I fell apart. I cried at work, had panic attacks, fights with coworkers, the whole deal. It was mortifying for me. I felt like I was changing into some kind of monster - and my coworkers probably felt the same, since they were used to seeing me as a healthy, competent person.

I'm honestly happy now that I lost the job. I feel an immense sense of relief to be free from it, to be able to stop performing and admit that I'm not well at all. And most of all to finally let other parts of myself show, the ones I've kept hidden out of fear. For the first time, I can admit that I don't really want a lot of "normal" stuff (don't want kids, don't want a 9-17 job, don't actually care about having a career - I'd much rather be an artist). Now I just need to figure out how to move on from here without repeating the same cycle in a different arena. My biggest concern is that this immense sense of relief and freedom will turn into chaos, or make me start something wild and adventurous that I'm not actually well enough to cope with yet.

Thanks to anyone who read this. I look forward to sharing experiences and mutual support with you guys. This seems like a good place for that.
 
Welcome to the forum!! I can relate to a LOT of what you wrote.

me. I was able to put myself through university with top marks and go on to perform well in a demanding job.
Same. 100%.

At the same time I was (and still am) my sister's legal guardian and my parents' caretaker (esp. my dad who is a hoarder and has been homeless at times).
This is a little different for me, but similar. Working on obtaining custody of my husbands siblings child. Also we have had supported husbands mother who struggled with homelessness and substance abuse.

I felt very depressed, lonely and invisible as a child.
I’m sorry. You were definitely put in a tough place.

As a young adult, I felt like I slowly glued myself back together, but there were still all these fine cracks in me. After five years of overperforming at university and six years in the demanding job, those cracks started to show until I fell apart. I cried at work, had panic attacks, fights with coworkers, the whole deal. It was mortifying for me. I felt like I was changing into some kind of monster - and my coworkers probably felt the same, since they were used to seeing me as a healthy, competent person.
This is pretty much exactly what happened to me. I hold an advanced degree and had a very demanding career. I held everything together as long as I could then everything just exploded.

I'm honestly happy now that I lost the job. I feel an immense sense of relief to be free from it, to be able to stop performing and admit that I'm not well at all. And most of all to finally let other parts of myself show, the ones I've kept hidden out of fear. For the first time, I can admit that I don't really want a lot of "normal" stuff (don't want kids, don't want a 9-17 job, don't actually care about having a career - I'd much rather be an artist). Now I just need to figure out how to move on from here without repeating the same cycle in a different arena. My biggest concern is that this immense sense of relief and freedom will turn into chaos, or make me start something wild and adventurous that I'm not actually well enough to cope with yet.
Same. I’ve got lots of parts I’m getting to know these days and coming to terms with what the heck is my new life going to look like now.

Therapy has been the #1 most helpful thing for me. I’ve got an amazing therapist who specializes in trauma and is helping me process it through EMDR. EMDR has been life changing for me. I’m learning who I am as a whole person instead of living life out of just parts of myself.

This site has been immensely helpful in expressing what I am going through and finding support from others who actually get it. I’m struggling still to find the support I need in real life outside of my T, so this place is gold.

Wishing you the best on your journey!
 
Hiya @Fuchsia welcome to the site ☺.

That's a sad story but kudos for trying as best you can to do well for yourself and coping. I also had selective mutism for the majority of my life. Its such a relief when you meet the right (safe) people and realise actually "I can talk" and it's safe and liberating to let out my thoughts and feelings. Do you have a counselor? Can you get one?
 
Thank you all for the kind words and for sharing some of your own experiences. It really does help to be reminded that there are other people out there in very similar situations.

I felt like a freak in my last job. Everyone else in my field seemed to come from wealthy, perfect backgrounds and have carefree, succesful lives. Before I got the job, I was so excited to work with people with whom I could have conversations about the same things that interested me so much at university. The reality was very different - conversations felt like intellectual wrestling matches and the elitism was ridiculous. At the same time, there was very little empathy for anyone who had personal problems. One time, a guy in my office apologised immediately after saying he was worried about his sick toddler, in case the rest of us felt he had overshared. Another time when we were hiring (I was conducting the interview), I was pulled aside by a coworker and told to please make sure I prioritise candidates who seemed "psychologically robust".

In hindsight, I realise that that workplace was probably uncommonly toxic and that a lot of my coworkers probably acted that way because they did in fact have problems of their own. But while you're in that kind of environment, you can start to forget that there are other people in higher education who struggle with something.

Therapy has been the #1 most helpful thing for me. I’ve got an amazing therapist who specializes in trauma and is helping me process it through EMDR. EMDR has been life changing for me. I’m learning who I am as a whole person instead of living life out of just parts of myself.

I had never heard about EMDR before, but I just did some research and it turns out there are therapists in my area who specialise in it. I'm going to reach out to one of them next week. Thanks so much for recommending it!
 
Hiya @Fuchsia welcome to the site ☺.

That's a sad story but kudos for trying as best you can to do well for yourself and coping. I also had selective mutism for the majority of my life. Its such a relief when you meet the right (safe) people and realise actually "I can talk" and it's safe and liberating to let out my thoughts and feelings. Do you have a counselor? Can you get one?

I've had five sessions with a psychologist, paid for by my work union. After those ran out, I was referred to a psychiatrist (the one who diagnosed me with C-PTSD). His treatment was to prescribe meds, however. I told him that I have extreme anxiety regarding anything that might make me feel drugged. It's my biggest trigger because of my parents' substance abuse. I can't even drink a single beer or a glass of wine for fear of feeling intoxicated; pills are even worse. He insisted I try anyway. I did and had a very bad experience with daily panic attacks whenever I had to take the pills. I honestly couldn't even tell if they worked because I felt so terrible just because of having to take them. When I told my psychiatrist, he wanted to try different meds. I just couldn't do it anymore and stopped the treatment.

I've been meaning to find a new counselor, but money has been an issue since losing my job (I can get a referral, but will still need to cover most of the cost myself). I'm realising that it is something I'll need to prioritise, though. I'm going to reach out to someone next week.
 
Thank you for sharing 💛 I also used achievement to hide my c-PTSD and please both my adoptive and biological families. Grad degree, big job, cool cities. I also soothed with marijuana and alcohol to the point I depersonalized. Therapy has helped me tremendously as I sit in a seat similar to yours -- no job, thrilled with the possibilities vs. returning to the industry and almost unsure I deserve to feel good about it. It's a trauma response apparently. My first tendency is to feel unworthy, so go figure I often don't know how to receive blessings 🙃 The fact that you are here and learning to re-parent yourself is a tremendous achievement. I hope you feel proud and courageous. Some advice: go easy on yourself as you continue to be curious about that little girl who worked so hard. 🙌
 
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