SeekingAfrica
MyPTSD Pro
Here's the deal. I've lived in another country for many years. Back home I only have my parents and couple of friends I see 2ce a year. But I moved right after university so I never build a life here. Then I came to visit my parents for a month, and 3 months later, I still haven't returned due to current global situation. Meanwhile my landlord decided for that same global reason to sell the apartment I was renting. Could have taken months, so I didn't worry... and then it sold in a week, while I was still not able to enter. There was a month grace period, but as I mentioned, I couldn't cross the border for 3 months for different reasons. So my friend had to move out all my stuff(thank god for good friends though!).
Sadly, her place is too small, so can't handle my stuff and me at the same time. Meanwhile, the new people have moved into my old apartment. So I booked airbnb for 3 nights next week(I can finally return!) and I will have only that time to find a new place. I've been sort of stable for a while, but still paying off a lot of debt, so most of my income is gone and divided the moment I receive it. Between last bills in the place I was, travelling, pcr tests etc. I'll barely have income and deposit for the cheaper acceptable places. Which means that I am making no exact decisions on neighbourhoods or roommates, I will have to accept what is available and decide that I can change it later on. The bad part is that because I'm a foreigner and need to register my address(and have contract that I'm renting), many people refuse to deal with that whatsoever. So not having perfect finances plus that fact makes matters very tough. Of course if I run out of money and I haven't found something I'm sure my friend won't leave me on the street, but it's not a position I want to be in.
I am just having a tough time. A lot of my sense of safety sometimes comes from having a good safe home. I take a lot of pride in decorating and organising and making a secure home.
Yet now I'll be back where I feel at home, but having to look for a place in record time. And returning home is sort of... the option if ALL other options have been exhausted. I build a life in that city. I want to somehow stay there. So I'm having a bit of a mental fight with myself. A part of me thinking I lived there for 6 years, got through a lot and had just made a home, I don't want to leave it. So I'll make calls all day if I have to, go see places, bargain, plead and look until I find something within these 3 days. And of course there is the part of me horrified that I have no exact home yet and I'm going there gambling on my ability to find one. It puts a lot of pressure on everything right now.
How do I keep my sense of safety/stability in this situation?
Not to mention, the global situation on top of this situation?
I've been making normal amount, paying my normal bills and some debt for a while now(and still so much more to go). But between the apartment and the pandemic I feel like I need to be making double that magically and be able to handle this craziness way better than I am. Some days I'm stable and think I'm going to put all my fight into it. I'm saving and updating possible apartment listings within price range(-ish) to be able to jump into it right away. Looking jobs to get local job to go along with my online work right when I get back. Keeping faith. And some days I feel too depressed to move, and I feel like a tiny thread of sanity is keeping me from being blown away into oblivion and chaos. Like I'm barely keeping it together after having worked so hard to build the life I had, which after not being there for 3 months is sometimes seeming like a weird dream I had. And now somehow need to integrate into it, except so much is different. I feel like the stability I worked for years to create is crumbling under me piece by piece. So I go between these 2 states and I think having good proactive days is coming only from sheer stubbornness that I didn't work this long for everything to just disappear so fast. But I still have horribly bad days, like today, and I don't know how to keep strong and believe that I can handle this. And in four days, I'm travelling back, and I will have to be stronger.
Sadly, her place is too small, so can't handle my stuff and me at the same time. Meanwhile, the new people have moved into my old apartment. So I booked airbnb for 3 nights next week(I can finally return!) and I will have only that time to find a new place. I've been sort of stable for a while, but still paying off a lot of debt, so most of my income is gone and divided the moment I receive it. Between last bills in the place I was, travelling, pcr tests etc. I'll barely have income and deposit for the cheaper acceptable places. Which means that I am making no exact decisions on neighbourhoods or roommates, I will have to accept what is available and decide that I can change it later on. The bad part is that because I'm a foreigner and need to register my address(and have contract that I'm renting), many people refuse to deal with that whatsoever. So not having perfect finances plus that fact makes matters very tough. Of course if I run out of money and I haven't found something I'm sure my friend won't leave me on the street, but it's not a position I want to be in.
I am just having a tough time. A lot of my sense of safety sometimes comes from having a good safe home. I take a lot of pride in decorating and organising and making a secure home.
Yet now I'll be back where I feel at home, but having to look for a place in record time. And returning home is sort of... the option if ALL other options have been exhausted. I build a life in that city. I want to somehow stay there. So I'm having a bit of a mental fight with myself. A part of me thinking I lived there for 6 years, got through a lot and had just made a home, I don't want to leave it. So I'll make calls all day if I have to, go see places, bargain, plead and look until I find something within these 3 days. And of course there is the part of me horrified that I have no exact home yet and I'm going there gambling on my ability to find one. It puts a lot of pressure on everything right now.
How do I keep my sense of safety/stability in this situation?
Not to mention, the global situation on top of this situation?
I've been making normal amount, paying my normal bills and some debt for a while now(and still so much more to go). But between the apartment and the pandemic I feel like I need to be making double that magically and be able to handle this craziness way better than I am. Some days I'm stable and think I'm going to put all my fight into it. I'm saving and updating possible apartment listings within price range(-ish) to be able to jump into it right away. Looking jobs to get local job to go along with my online work right when I get back. Keeping faith. And some days I feel too depressed to move, and I feel like a tiny thread of sanity is keeping me from being blown away into oblivion and chaos. Like I'm barely keeping it together after having worked so hard to build the life I had, which after not being there for 3 months is sometimes seeming like a weird dream I had. And now somehow need to integrate into it, except so much is different. I feel like the stability I worked for years to create is crumbling under me piece by piece. So I go between these 2 states and I think having good proactive days is coming only from sheer stubbornness that I didn't work this long for everything to just disappear so fast. But I still have horribly bad days, like today, and I don't know how to keep strong and believe that I can handle this. And in four days, I'm travelling back, and I will have to be stronger.
