Butterfly64
Silver Member
New here and WOW...learning so much!
Long messy story short;
Known my sufferer, D, for 6 years (from 2013) ...4 years as neighbour/friend...2 years involved with him. D suffers from CPTSD. Working with violent, mentally ill men, attacked numerous times untill app. 2010 when his back/body was worn down from the attacks. He was only 35 at the time and in fairly new relationship. She had mental issues...always extremely tired when back from work. He was in a lot of pain, caught in the system of trying to obtain early retirement and trying to fix her problems as well. During the first 4 years I knew him as a neighbour, I had NO idea he had PTSD. He is charming, intelligent, attractive. He told me 4 years ago, he was attracted to me...that his relationship was just about over. He is 11 younger than me, so I was flattered but also baffled...he was in a relationship and so was I and had been for 13 years at the time (my ex had a bad temper, but nobody knew. D thought my marriage was perfect)
January 2016 his girlfriend moved out. He claimed he was going to be single always because “relationships never last”. I knew 6 years with his permanent back pains, not having been granted early retirement (in my country it can take more than 5 years to obtain early retirement...it destroys people mentally) and 7 years with a mentally unstable girlfriend had affected him...scared him off relationship. April 2017 he texted me...I am in love with you. I was attracted to him, but he did not know that. I was divorced June 2017 and we hooked up.
A few weeks into us hooking up, he was unsure whether he was in love or in lust! At this point he had never mentioned PTSD. He stopped kissing me completely....I asked why? Because he only kissed when in a relationship...say what?! So over a few weeks he went from; I hope we will have a relationship, I am in love, where are we going to live....to; maybe I am just in lust...and no kissing in order to protect himself from feeling too much. I was confused, but I stayed...thinking he was panicking, he would come around. No!
September 2017, after one night, we had really intimate sex with lots of kissing (first time he let his guard down and really kissed me passionately) he ran 10 days. I still did not know he had PTSD...was he in love and scared or just a player? I had known him for more than 4 years, I could not believed he played me. When I saw him again, he said he had just need space...alone time...which I knew was a lie because being neighbours, I knew he had spend time with his female friends..(.he has a lot of female friends he has had sex with before we hooked up. They are all crazy about him, but I am sure he is only attracted to me). He claimed, we would never be in a relationship. I asked why...he replied, that it was my age...I said that my age was not an issue when he was in love with me...he said, he was no longer in love. So I left....devastated...low blow claiming to be in love in May and September I was too old for him. A week later he texted me;
He had run into (no he contacted her!) an ex he dated for 6 months, 16 years ago, so we “had to stop sexing untill he figured out what would happen with her”. They hooked up...for app. a month, then he dumped her...which I just knew he would....I knew he was running. During that month he could not let me go, he claimed to be ready for relationship with her after having seen her twice althoug they had not even kissed! The following 2 weeks he said he was confused.....I think I am in love with her, but my desire for you is still bigger than I have ever experienced with anybody. So I let him go...we agreed not to meet for a while. 13 days later he turned up at my door step...5 days later he dumped her. He wanted to hook up with me again. I said no. He asked me again a few days later...no! And again and again. All of a sudden he admitted that he felt something more than just friendship...and he was not completely opposed to relationship. Still did not know he had PTSD...not untill november 2017. So I gave in.
So fast forward to now. Two years of me ending it, then him ending it and together again shortly after. Since admitting to loving me in June 2018, ( I wanted to leave because there was no intimacy, just sex and no foreplay, so he admitted to loving me, but refused relationship) he has been running. Before that we would meet app. 15-20 times a month; no intimacy, some times sex, mostly acting like friends which tore me apart. After having admitted to loving me, we would meet app. 5-8 times a month and only brief meetings. He can spend an entire day with his girlfriend, go to the movies....everything with them and spend between 30 minutes and 2 hours with me...and of course untill a week ago denying it is easier to spend time with everybody but me, because he has feelings for me.
He still claims to be single, we are no longer neighbours since he moved in January, he is now able give me a peck on the lips when we meet, but no real kissing, almost no intimacy, no telling me he loves me. I know he loves kissing and intimacy, but he will not do it....only in a relationship and he cannot take responsbility for anybody but himself....which is hard enough as it is. Before I found this site I was pretty conviced, that his PTSD causes him to avoid intimacy, because intimacy equals relationship and he is not ready for that. Having read posts in here I see, that he is classic PTSD...push/pull...he cannot break it off with me...he tries to make me break up. Three times now, when feeling under pressure by my expectations of intimacy, he has lashed out by saying; “I cannot be trusted. I am impulse driven...I am likely to f*ck some woman at a party...you are the biggest desire of my life, but no woman will ever be enough for me.” The first time he mentioned wanting to have sex with other women was in July last year, after having been “forced” to admit he loved me...I said, that this was it, because he claimed to desire me, but only love me as a friend. When I said stop, he admitted to having loved me for years (we were texting). I was happy that he admitted it and asked som questions....which pissed him off and so he said, that during the break we had the previous month, he had let me go and was now interested in other women and he was not sure, he could go back to just wanting me. That hurt! Should I belive him? Should I run? I stayed and for 2 months he did not mention other women...not untill I said stop again...I was fed up with few and short primarily sex meetings and him spending time with everybody but me! He did not understand I needed time and intimacy and one hour into the conversation, he said, that he just knew he would f... another woman soon! Ouch! So we “broke up” for 10 days, then he wanted to hook up again. I said no...you want to be with other women....well...maybe...bla bla. So he promised no other women and to kiss me more...but he did not kiss me more. Two weeks ago, he was in a bad place...no energy. He started one of our serious talks, which he hates because it drains him....told me, he is not ready for relationship...never will be. He feeds bad having treated me this way for 2 years, we are no good for each other, sometimes he wishes I would just let him go, that I would say we can only be friends....so again...he cannot end it....I have to do it! And then for the first time in almost nine months he said....I dont trust myself...I may likely f*ck some woman at a party. And that hurt! But I said...well you said that i July last year and again i August, still you have not done so! He was like...no, it May happen and then I will feel guilty.
That was two weeks ago...the next day I texted him...lets just be friends in June and take it from there. He replied; Good plan.
So two weeks ago, when he had no energy and mentioned having sex with some random woman at a party, I decided not to see him for a long time. I hate when he talks about wanting another woman, because I do not know if he is lying to push me away, or if he is being serious. He used to be a womanizer before he met his ex. So on one hand he said in November, that whether he is in a relationship or involved like he is with me, he does not look at other women....yet he claims that he is likely to f.... someone at a party! He wil say one thing one day and the opposite the next...”I dont do one night stand anymore....I will f.... someone soon, I dont look at other women when we are involved...I wil f......
The wise thing would be to run! But he is like a drug! It scares me that I am 11 years older than him...how soon will he grow tired of me? He wants to be single, no intimacy, few and short meetings, is it true that he will f... some random woman or a lie, and if at a point he gets ready for sometning that resembles a relationship...will he want some sort of agreement...like he had with his ex of 7 years....that he is allowed to have sex with another woman...not open relationship though! “Just agreement that they were both allowed sex with other people, but they had to talk about it before they did it” He claims it is reversed phsycology...if he is allowed, he does not feel trapped and will not act on being allowed. He actually never slept with anyone when he live with his ex for 7 years.
I hope I have not bored you too much...and that some of you can offer me some advice....run or stay....?
Long messy story short;
Known my sufferer, D, for 6 years (from 2013) ...4 years as neighbour/friend...2 years involved with him. D suffers from CPTSD. Working with violent, mentally ill men, attacked numerous times untill app. 2010 when his back/body was worn down from the attacks. He was only 35 at the time and in fairly new relationship. She had mental issues...always extremely tired when back from work. He was in a lot of pain, caught in the system of trying to obtain early retirement and trying to fix her problems as well. During the first 4 years I knew him as a neighbour, I had NO idea he had PTSD. He is charming, intelligent, attractive. He told me 4 years ago, he was attracted to me...that his relationship was just about over. He is 11 younger than me, so I was flattered but also baffled...he was in a relationship and so was I and had been for 13 years at the time (my ex had a bad temper, but nobody knew. D thought my marriage was perfect)
January 2016 his girlfriend moved out. He claimed he was going to be single always because “relationships never last”. I knew 6 years with his permanent back pains, not having been granted early retirement (in my country it can take more than 5 years to obtain early retirement...it destroys people mentally) and 7 years with a mentally unstable girlfriend had affected him...scared him off relationship. April 2017 he texted me...I am in love with you. I was attracted to him, but he did not know that. I was divorced June 2017 and we hooked up.
A few weeks into us hooking up, he was unsure whether he was in love or in lust! At this point he had never mentioned PTSD. He stopped kissing me completely....I asked why? Because he only kissed when in a relationship...say what?! So over a few weeks he went from; I hope we will have a relationship, I am in love, where are we going to live....to; maybe I am just in lust...and no kissing in order to protect himself from feeling too much. I was confused, but I stayed...thinking he was panicking, he would come around. No!
September 2017, after one night, we had really intimate sex with lots of kissing (first time he let his guard down and really kissed me passionately) he ran 10 days. I still did not know he had PTSD...was he in love and scared or just a player? I had known him for more than 4 years, I could not believed he played me. When I saw him again, he said he had just need space...alone time...which I knew was a lie because being neighbours, I knew he had spend time with his female friends..(.he has a lot of female friends he has had sex with before we hooked up. They are all crazy about him, but I am sure he is only attracted to me). He claimed, we would never be in a relationship. I asked why...he replied, that it was my age...I said that my age was not an issue when he was in love with me...he said, he was no longer in love. So I left....devastated...low blow claiming to be in love in May and September I was too old for him. A week later he texted me;
He had run into (no he contacted her!) an ex he dated for 6 months, 16 years ago, so we “had to stop sexing untill he figured out what would happen with her”. They hooked up...for app. a month, then he dumped her...which I just knew he would....I knew he was running. During that month he could not let me go, he claimed to be ready for relationship with her after having seen her twice althoug they had not even kissed! The following 2 weeks he said he was confused.....I think I am in love with her, but my desire for you is still bigger than I have ever experienced with anybody. So I let him go...we agreed not to meet for a while. 13 days later he turned up at my door step...5 days later he dumped her. He wanted to hook up with me again. I said no. He asked me again a few days later...no! And again and again. All of a sudden he admitted that he felt something more than just friendship...and he was not completely opposed to relationship. Still did not know he had PTSD...not untill november 2017. So I gave in.
So fast forward to now. Two years of me ending it, then him ending it and together again shortly after. Since admitting to loving me in June 2018, ( I wanted to leave because there was no intimacy, just sex and no foreplay, so he admitted to loving me, but refused relationship) he has been running. Before that we would meet app. 15-20 times a month; no intimacy, some times sex, mostly acting like friends which tore me apart. After having admitted to loving me, we would meet app. 5-8 times a month and only brief meetings. He can spend an entire day with his girlfriend, go to the movies....everything with them and spend between 30 minutes and 2 hours with me...and of course untill a week ago denying it is easier to spend time with everybody but me, because he has feelings for me.
He still claims to be single, we are no longer neighbours since he moved in January, he is now able give me a peck on the lips when we meet, but no real kissing, almost no intimacy, no telling me he loves me. I know he loves kissing and intimacy, but he will not do it....only in a relationship and he cannot take responsbility for anybody but himself....which is hard enough as it is. Before I found this site I was pretty conviced, that his PTSD causes him to avoid intimacy, because intimacy equals relationship and he is not ready for that. Having read posts in here I see, that he is classic PTSD...push/pull...he cannot break it off with me...he tries to make me break up. Three times now, when feeling under pressure by my expectations of intimacy, he has lashed out by saying; “I cannot be trusted. I am impulse driven...I am likely to f*ck some woman at a party...you are the biggest desire of my life, but no woman will ever be enough for me.” The first time he mentioned wanting to have sex with other women was in July last year, after having been “forced” to admit he loved me...I said, that this was it, because he claimed to desire me, but only love me as a friend. When I said stop, he admitted to having loved me for years (we were texting). I was happy that he admitted it and asked som questions....which pissed him off and so he said, that during the break we had the previous month, he had let me go and was now interested in other women and he was not sure, he could go back to just wanting me. That hurt! Should I belive him? Should I run? I stayed and for 2 months he did not mention other women...not untill I said stop again...I was fed up with few and short primarily sex meetings and him spending time with everybody but me! He did not understand I needed time and intimacy and one hour into the conversation, he said, that he just knew he would f... another woman soon! Ouch! So we “broke up” for 10 days, then he wanted to hook up again. I said no...you want to be with other women....well...maybe...bla bla. So he promised no other women and to kiss me more...but he did not kiss me more. Two weeks ago, he was in a bad place...no energy. He started one of our serious talks, which he hates because it drains him....told me, he is not ready for relationship...never will be. He feeds bad having treated me this way for 2 years, we are no good for each other, sometimes he wishes I would just let him go, that I would say we can only be friends....so again...he cannot end it....I have to do it! And then for the first time in almost nine months he said....I dont trust myself...I may likely f*ck some woman at a party. And that hurt! But I said...well you said that i July last year and again i August, still you have not done so! He was like...no, it May happen and then I will feel guilty.
That was two weeks ago...the next day I texted him...lets just be friends in June and take it from there. He replied; Good plan.
So two weeks ago, when he had no energy and mentioned having sex with some random woman at a party, I decided not to see him for a long time. I hate when he talks about wanting another woman, because I do not know if he is lying to push me away, or if he is being serious. He used to be a womanizer before he met his ex. So on one hand he said in November, that whether he is in a relationship or involved like he is with me, he does not look at other women....yet he claims that he is likely to f.... someone at a party! He wil say one thing one day and the opposite the next...”I dont do one night stand anymore....I will f.... someone soon, I dont look at other women when we are involved...I wil f......
The wise thing would be to run! But he is like a drug! It scares me that I am 11 years older than him...how soon will he grow tired of me? He wants to be single, no intimacy, few and short meetings, is it true that he will f... some random woman or a lie, and if at a point he gets ready for sometning that resembles a relationship...will he want some sort of agreement...like he had with his ex of 7 years....that he is allowed to have sex with another woman...not open relationship though! “Just agreement that they were both allowed sex with other people, but they had to talk about it before they did it” He claims it is reversed phsycology...if he is allowed, he does not feel trapped and will not act on being allowed. He actually never slept with anyone when he live with his ex for 7 years.
I hope I have not bored you too much...and that some of you can offer me some advice....run or stay....?
