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No Official Diagnosis - Yet!

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by velveteen, Sep 19, 2006.

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  1. velveteen

    velveteen New Member

    Though it's the first time something has made SENSE to me!!

    I think I have been suffering from PTSD for a very long time. A few things that stick out that could have been the origins:

    My parents divorced when I was 8. My mother was having her own problems with her self-esteem, depression and prescription drugs. My parents had a bad relationship. I remember seeing them physically fighting. My brother was only 3 and had a REALLY hard time with my dad leaving. My mom pretty much concentrated on him, because I was her "good girl" who was "strong" and "always ok". When I think about all my "abandonment" issues, I know this doesn't only have to do with my dad who physically went away but also with my mother who was emotionally away.

    When I was 10, I was molested in the park near our house by a stranger. No pentration, just touching me where he shouldn't have. He tricked me you see... I was playing tennis with myself - there was a practise wall and I use to go down to the courts and just practise - He was watching and then said something to me like "you know a lot of people lose their tennis balls in the bushes". Me being 10 and naiive, took his bait and followed him in the bushes to look for balls... I don't remember EXACTLY what happened then, except him touching between my legs and feeling VERY scared. Apparently I told my mother only a few days later (I remember telling my friend Carla THAT day, running up to her, hugging her and her shying away from me, not knowing what to do), we called the police, I gave a description and then I wasn't allowed to go to the park on my own anymore. That's it. I did not tell my dad what happened until I was 30 (I'm 38). I did not even realise I told my mother - after a huge outburst a couple of weeks ago and directly my anger towards her, the incident came up and she told me what happened.

    I know it was around then that I started feeling ugly and dirty and very wierd about my body.

    I became sexually active at 13, in fact I got pregnant the first "real" time I had sex (the first time it wasn't successful, let's say), I did not tell my mother, I told my Aunt who took me to get an abortion. I am sure however my Aunt told her eventually, but to this day, I never have said a word. I associated sex with male attention which obviously meant I was "good" and "loved" even though they were all talking about me behind my back. I got pregnant again at 16 and I was on the pill. Another abortion but my parents knew this time - I didn't WANT the abortion, but my father (ever so present in my life... NOT) insisted and sent me the money for it (funny, he'd never help me with college or anything else like that).

    I joined the military when I was 17. I wasn't in for long. There were THREE separate incidences of sexual assualt, one in bootcamp. Nothing was ever done to help me. No one would come forward as a witness. My reports were pretty much ignored. I ended up going AWOL over the third one - it was my own Chief "performing" the assault on me to make sure he understood exactly what happened the second time. (I turned myself in and eventually got out of the Military - honorable discharge, for "severe personality disorder" )

    I have had STD's, multiple partners - girls and boys- gotten in with the drug crowd (no heavy-heavy drugs), done all sorts of things, for attention and "love" / "acceptance". I have hardly ever been on my own, alone, no relationship. I have been married twice. Just recently (and I mean RECENTLY) I figured out that I have a pattern... I "hook" my relationships in with sex and after approx. 2 years everything BLOCKS. The walls go up. I feel sick, anxious, angry, freaked out and I don't want to be intimate anymore. Generally speaking I run away from my relationships because I can't handle dealing with what's happening... easier to start the process over again with someone else. Also, since I always think I'm not "good enough" the person I am with is going to leave me... then they do, or I do and that proves that I don't deserve to have a decent relationship and I'll always be abandoned.

    Another thing... probably for the last year or two I have been feeling incredibly GUILTY about the abortions. I feel like God is punishing me now that I'm older and I finally know I WANT to have children. My partner, whom I am also desperately trying to NOT walk away from (already have the sex barriers though), has had a vasectomy (he has two kids already), had it reversed for ME and it was not successful. I took this as a personal sign that I did not DESERVE to have kids and I was being punished. This overwhelms me on a fairly daily basis.

    I apologise for this being so long - this is the first time I've been able to really piece everything together - I am seeing a therapist, she mentioned PTSD to me the FIRST time I was there - that there is a correlation between the molestation/assualts and freaking out after a certain period in a relationship.

    I am really, really hoping that someone out there can say "YES!! This is SO PTSD!" that someone knows how I feel, that someone understand the anger the freak-outs, the panic, the anxiety, the desire to NEVER leave the house, yet at the same time the desire to GET A LIFE! I so want to be normal!!!

    Thank you for reading.
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  3. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

    Velvet, wow, you've had it pretty rough up until now. As I see it, your life is increasingly getting better. More stability. I don't think anyone here can give you a diagnosis. You must go to a doctor (a specialist in trauma is better yet), to get a diagnosis. In my opinion, you certainly have had experiences that are traumatic enough.

    I so totally understand the "trying to find love in all the wrong places" thing. I did that to. When we were not shown as children how true love is shown, we don't know what to look for. We equate attention with love. As we all know, that's not always true.

    Welcome aboard Velvet. I hope that you feel comfortable enough here that you go into more depth on how each of these experiences made you feel. You have a long road ahead of you towards healing, but I believe you can do it. One trauma at a time.
  4. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Hi Velvet, and welcome to the forum, glad you found us and even happier you joined to chat with us. Velvet, you have suffered trauma as outlined by the physicians manuals, no doubt about it. The parents divorce and those problems do not fit PTSD, but the molestation does, and what occurs after that most certainly does. Did you get PTSD during childhood or after the Army? Not sure, but your life is certainly fitting the diagnosis, however; you must get diagnosed by a physician first, preferably a trauma expert as Nam outlined above. Why? Because guessing does us no good at the end of the day. We can think we have something, may have it, but may not. There is so much more to PTSD than just the criteria, ie. its not just about ticking the boxes that you fit the diagnosis, but an expert trauma specialist will know for sure and diagnose you officially if you have it.

    For all intensive purposes, I think you fit the profile of PTSD, and if you use the link in my signature and fill out the PTSD Diagnosis correctly, it will give you an idea whether you do need to seek professional physician for diagnosis. I think you might have it from what you said, but thinking is certainly not good enough, knowing is the only way forward.
  5. GR-ass

    GR-ass Well-Known Member

    Hi velvet
    holds close and thinks wow. I feel like where you have been is where I was heading. I'm 22 but think that I was never a child. I was sexually abused by both my crothers (one of them is my twin) since I was seven or eight until I left home at 17.

    holds close.
    It is all trauma, whether it happened once or over years.
  6. velveteen

    velveteen New Member

    Hi All
    Many many thanks for responding to me. I do appreciate it.

    I wanted you all to know that my therapist HAS said that she "thinks" it's PTSD; I also recently started going to a psychiatrist whom I'm seeing for now for a diagnosis and analysis of what needs to be done so that I can heal somewhat and be "normal" (whatever that means).

    Biggest problem is that I have to open up to him (the psych) and I do much better with women. I promised myself I would just try a few times and if I have to I'll switch p-docs.

    Many thanks again - I go in waves, this week has been crashing a bit, last week was a calm sea - it means a lot to know that people care and KNOW somewhat how you feel.
  7. cdunny

    cdunny Active Member

    Hi Velveteen. Wow you just cant seem to get a break can you. Isnt it crazy how one event can lead to a lifetime of BS. Its like a person feels so much shame, and confusion, and guilt over something... and it leads to other behaviors that eventually become out of control. The next think you know, your life is spiraling downward and you have no idea how to fix it. It sounds to me like you have PTSD and what sucks about it is that usually your only accepted within your circle of friends. People without it just dont understand. They just want you to suck it up and get over it. Screw that. Id like to see them go through a trama and then try their whole lives to A, figure out whats wrong with them, and B, try to be normal again when they do figure out whats wrong. We are all here for you. And we arent going to judge you. So if your post is long or short or happy or sad or depressed or mad... its okay. WE all have been there. feel free to say whatever you need. PTSD is all about healing.
  8. Farmer

    Farmer Active Member

    Hi Veveteen, cdunny took the words right out of my mouth.
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