Sufferer No one understands - Grandmother with CSA & Childhood Trauma. Broke the abusive cycle.

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I have been abused since birth. My Aunt told me my Mom would put me in a dresser drawer when I woke up and not take me out until my Grandparents were due home from work. I am surprised I didn't suffocate, and sometimes I wish I had. I have tried to diagnose her and all I can think off is Narcissistic Personality Disorder with a mile wide violent streak. I was not wanted by her. Finally my Grandmother had to quit her job as an RN to keep me alive.
My real Dad lived around the corner but I was told another man was my father, as he had married my Mom and his name was on my birth certificate. When I was 11 I was told the truth so that father abandoned me. I really loved him as a Dad so not my first trauma but it hurt. I was introduced to my new Father.
He was nice and handsome at first and we had a good relationship for about a year until he made a bomb and injured his then wife.
He went to prison for a year and when he came out he continued the relationship with me until he raped me at age 14 taking my virginity.
I did not tell my Mom or Stepdad because of a previous reaction to sexual abuse I endured at an early age.
We left my Grandparents when I was 5 and I moved to another town with my Mom. I don't call her Mom but she died last year finally and my real Dad went on to kill people and was executed recently so now they are both gone.
At 5 years old I was living with my Mom in a military town and she made our house into a party house for airman. They would get me drunk make me sing and dance then at a certain time it was bath time and I couldn't lock the door because there was only 1 bathroom. For months I was sexually abused by 3 airman. They came to every party so for me it was hell. They tried penetrating me with their fingers in my vagina and anus. I was in constant pain. I did tell my Mom. I was sitting at the kitchen table. She slapped me so hard I flew off of the chair to the floor where I was called a lying little bitch.
One night while I was being tortured by these men a fourth man walked in. He must have outranked them because they ran out fast. He picked me up and hugged me. He assessed my wounds and for weeks brought medication until I healed. I always sat in his lap at the parties and he never let me out of his sight. After I healed enough where I wasn't in pain anymore he took me to the bathroom locked the door and he began orally abusing me. He would kiss me on the face and mouth, then the next time he would gently lick what nipples I had.
At 5 years old sex is so misunderstood. I knew pain was bad and what he was doing was not hurting me and since I had no Dad I think I loved him because he protected me, so when he decided I was ready he would run my bath water undress me and finally his tongue found its way to my vagina. I was so small I remember him lifting me with one hand and burying his face between my legs. This abuse screwed my mind up permanently in dealing with sexual thoughts.
After a year my Grandad came and took me to live with them, but soon my Mom was back pulling my hair. Dressing me up like a doll for her friends,and praising me. I thought she loved me during these times, and I was so in love with her despite the abuse. Then just to find all the love and praise left with the friends and now I was just hated, called names, beaten with sticks. I was told I was pathetic when I cried about it.
Then she remarried a nice man and we went to visit his Father who was an old drunk. I was about 10 when he lured me from the bar b que and sexually molested me. I did not tell, I just thought that was my lot in life.
I have lost my cousin-best friend 10 days apart at birth to a carbon monoxide incident. My brother who was 11 years younger (so my baby) since I am the one that looked after him because all my Mom did was sleep. He was killed in a car crash at age 22. My Mom ran her car through my house because I took my Grandmother because she was being abused too now. I have had my house burned down. A tornado tore my town apart when I was 16. By then I was a raging alcoholic that drove cars fast and was really trying to passively kill myself, until I married a co-worker and had my first baby.
I broke the abusive cycle. My kids were raised by a Mama bear who would threaten to kill anyone that even looked at my children wrong.
The thing is no one dared bother my children because they knew I was that crazy. I did puff up and act a little crazier than I was but I would have killed anyone over my kids.
I worked like a man because my husband was a vietnam vet with PTSD and thus an alcoholic. I did everything. All of my 5 children are extraordinary. All married homeowners with children they adore. They were never even frowned at by me. I used rewards instead of punishment. So the abuse ended with me.

However now I am alone and I have been put on medication to calm the monster I had to create to survive.
I have joined dating sites or even tried to go to meet up groups.
I never had time to worry about socializing, now I see I am unfit to even have a normal conversation. I went to college for psychology and like my real Dad I have a fairly high IQ. I talk about quarks and they talk about meaningless stuff.
I do not know how to talk to people that can talk for 2 hours straight and will have said nothing useful in the end. I need to learn just the basic behavior for normal people but I have been a recluse for about 6 years and have not been out of my house since before Christmas. I think of suicide daily because I have no one here everyday.
When my 2 young Grandchildren come over I am fine. We play and they love me, but their Mom and Dad want them home too. I do not want this to happen because I have made my children think I have a little depression. It would kill the personality I made for my children if I commit suicide.
I have other personalities too. Most are just age appropriately broken up into parts of me that hold my pain for me and it's nothing like Sybil. However one is very dark and I placate him by making plans to kill myself and try to make it look like an accident. He may win.
I can tell you all this because I probably will never get on this site again. I have vomited up my bad day now I have to let you go because you know my secret, well part of it.
I need a friend. I need a partner. I need a lover, but I will be 60 this year so I think I can just wait it out and hopefully I will die soon. Except that my Mom lived into her 80s and my Dad was 2 years older than her and they had to kill him because he just wouldn't die, so I may live 30 more years. I don't want to live 30 years alone stuck in this house. I don't want to keep taking this medicine because it is taking my mind away. I am supposed to go to the Philippines for my youngest Son's wedding. I told him I would, but I can't and no one understands because I have never even told my therapists any of this. They wonder why a normal person like me would even need them. I only go so I can get more medicine. Some stupid rule.
Sorry to have gone on so long. I learned in college there is no silver bullet for mental illness meaning no cure. My only hope is for someone kind to understand why I am not completely normal and just love me. I doubt that will happen being a recluse. I wish the best for everyone here. I know you have been through hell too.


Hi there @Stormy555. Thanks for letting us know you're here. Glad you found us but I'm so sorry you had to. No child should ever have to go through what you have endured.

You're not alone anymore. This is a great supportive community with members from all over the world. I hope you take some time to read around the forums a little bit before you decide to leave. You'll find someone you connect with. A great place to start would be the @ptsd stress cup explanation. It's a really great piece of information.

Welcome to our little " island of misfit toys". Really glad you're here. Take gentle care of yourself and keep sharing whatever you need to.

Sending you gentle hugs and a boatload of acceptance, courage and empathy your way. Best of everything to you.


Still Standing

You are at a safe and supportive site,here. Do stay. There are many who can relate similar backgrounds to yours. And many of us are grandparents. We are all in varying stages of learning how to live with the after affects of abuse and traumas that PTSD has taken advantage of.

It sounds like you have blessed you children with a healthy foundation and you should be proud of your accomplishment. Breaking the cycle of abuse is not easy.

Now, it sounds like you are struggling so hard to survive. If you are actively in counseling, it is imperative that you share these concerns with your therapist. It does not benefit you to not keep things hidden. I hope you are able to be more forthcoming.

And sharing here might help too. Start a diary, post questions or insights...whatever, but engage in conversations. It all may help you build more coping skills and give you an outlet where others understand your struggles. I hope you stick with us. ?


I’m so amazed that you survived all this. So proud of you, too.

And very, very glad that you found somewhere to let this out. If you need to, please come back and say whatever you need to. People here understand. :hug:
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