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Sufferer No voice - physically, emotionally, spiritually, & sexually abused throughout childhood.

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Taylormade73

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Hi, I haven’t been here before but needed to get some things off my chest. I was physically, emotionally,spiritually,and sexually abused throughout my childhood and was diagnosed with PTSD several years ago along with anxiety and depression.

I’ve been seeing a therapist and I participate in a faith based recovery group every week. In therapy and in group I struggle to open up about the extent of the abuse, I’ve tried to just take it slow because every time I start talking about it I start to disassociate.

Tonight in group my group leader wanted to try something new so we went around the group one at a time and shared what we were thankful for... then later we went around the group and each shared our experience of when we knew we were a child of god.

I couldn’t speak at all, I just sat there feeling stupid wanting to share but not able to, my chest felt heavy and It was hard to catch my breath. I don’t know why it is so hard for me to open up about my faith, I tell myself that my relationship with god is private but at the same time I feel like I will never be able to form relationships and move forward in recovery if I can’t open up.

When I was a kid I was passed around a lot after both of my parents died. One of the families I lived with we’re really religious and we would have prayer meetings at our house every week. During the prayer meetings my foster mom would put me in a chair in the middle of the room. My foster dad would annoint me with oil, everyone would put their hands on me and start praying in tongues and my foster mom would interpret what they were saying. They told me That the devil was in me, and said that’s why I didn’t listen and why I argued or cried all the time. Basically everything I did that made my foster mom angry was because the devil was making me do it.

The truth was that she was beating me. Sometimes she would just start hitting me in the face, sometimes she would force me to take my clothes off and then whip me with a switch in the name of god. My foster dad was sexually abusing me and when I was eight he began having sex with me, afterwards he would make me pray with him for forgiveness. This went on from the age of 8-11 until I attempted suicide.

Although it was a long time ago I still think about it, especially when it comes to talking about my faith. I consider myself a baby Christian, I walked away from god many years ago but then came back after finally getting out of an abusive relationship 11 yrs ago. Anyway, that’s a lot about myself but if you have any feedback I would appreciate it.
 
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Hey @Taylormade73 , and welcome.
What happened to you was awful and abusive and in no way your fault.
I get the "physically can't talk" about it thing too. Some of that is self-protective, or our brains think it is.
I'm glad you've got your faith! And I'm so so sorry it was used to abuse you.
Others might have better tips on that than me.
I've found writing my trauma diary to be really helpful, it's a great place to drop my thoughts.
Hope this site helps. I've found it really good.
 
Welcome!
You will be able to talk when you are ready and when you feel safe. Those two things have to be there - otherwise your voice won't work. There is a part of your brain attached to language that actually stops working when some people with ptsd get overly stressed. And from the abuse you shared -- you had a lot to be stressed about.

You will find many people here who will understand what you are going through. Share when you wish, don't share if you don't want to. No one will judge you for either choice you make
 
Hello @Taylormade73 welcome to the forums.
You have had a really rough time and I don't doubt for one moment you find it difficult to express what has gone on. Please don't be so tough on yourself.

I think the connection between your foster parents abuse and religion when you were a child....and this event at the group might have heavily collided with each other. However well meaning the group leader was...they must realise that we are not all perfectly prepared and easily able to express ourselves in such a public setting. And especially if you were heavily shamed by your foster parents and it was religious based shaming and you are now in a religious based group.

I'd suggest you continue to manage your PTSD and depression with your therapist and let the group leader know that you cannot engage in such declarations in an open and public setting right now. You will know when you think you can. I think by the sounds of your description of this event that the routine was changed to something different and if that is the case you were not prepared. That's not your fault.

Remember your abuse is not your fault. It never was. Some of it is connected to religion at a really fundamental level and probably being caught unawares triggered the freeze response in you. I don't know but I can see it might have.

It doesn't mean you are lacking in faith - not for one moment. The group leader should have the sensitivity to understand this. It is a risky thing to do and it back-fired for you.

You are not stupid. The heavy chest and the breathlessness also might be a physical response. I think I would have run out of the room. So you did well to stay there.

Take care,
 
Welcome @Taylormade73 !!! Your story is going to resonate with many here who were abused in religion. I am a person of Faith, but not religion. So am very happy to hear you have reconnected with God.

My heart is heavy for you that you were subjected to such abuse in the name of God. There is nothing evil about you. NOTHING. And that will be said over and over here to help you understand that was about the abusers, not you. I am sorry you had such a hard beginning.

Many people here are going to understand. On a deep level, what you had to endure. We relate to abuse, regardless of the source. I agree that being in group and the question asked, caused you to freeze. I would have.

You DO have a voice here. You will be heard here. And supported and encouraged. Glad you found us. Very glad you are here.
 
With respect @EveHarrington - a lot of good can come from such groups too. The OP has a therapist too so it is not all faith based.

This was one instance in one meeting where it wasn't so good. I am hoping that this isn't a pattern of behaviour by the group leader.. Just a once off moment. I think it might be too early to call it all a bad idea.
 
Wow, thank you everyone who responded to my post. I appreciate all of your comments I wasn't really expecting so much support. My group leader did get ahold of me later and told me that she felt bad and that she was worried I was upset. It gave me an opportunity to explain to her that I wasnt so much upset as I was triggered. So we have decided that she will give me a heads up if planning on having a random topic so I can write my thoughts down..then if I want to share I wont have to try and come up with something on the spot.
 
So we have decided that she will give me a heads up if planning on having a random topic

Well done @Taylormade73 - I am pleased the group leader is sensitive to your needs and you were heard.

I think it shows how strong your faith is that you were able to stay and let the gl know what the problem was and found a way to continue participating that suits you right now.
 
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