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NobodyHome's Diary

NobodyHome

New Here
First entry in b4 something something.



I cheated on my partner, again. This seems to be a theme.

He left for several days. On the day he left for work I took a ride into work and the driver missed my exit. Internally I was panicking but didn't say a thing externally. Took a knife out, covertly and was ready to make for the door and roll.

Five minutes later I was at work and all that adrenaline pumping through me had to try and calm down. Later in the day had a complete break down and left work early.

At Home.

I don't sleep well alone. My mind works overtime and I have difficulty relaxing. Got no sleep over the weekend. Finally took a Seroquel on Monday maybe or Tuesday, woke up a zombie. Got on the wrong bus and didn't know it until the end of the route.

The craving it's strong when I'm alone. It howls at me like some wild dog and I do stupid bad things.

The same day I was a Seroquel zombie I met a guy on OKC. I was at his house that night. Kept telling myself, "just going to hang out, get a distraction".

Stupid, Bad.

We watched the TV on his bed. He was completely respectful, initially. Kept complaining about an itch on his back. I started scratching it. Suddenly he was resting his head on me and his hand was all over down there on my legs, thighs, up further. He teased me and the dog bayed. Closer and closer. I told him to stop, and he did for a little while, moved his hand further away.

Then there was a back massage and my back kept arching thrusting into him.

I kept thinking "I should leave". The dog growled. I lay like a doll as his hands went places.

I kept saying I shouldn't, when we took smoke breaks.

Then something happened. Somehow my pants were off and I was in his mouth. I don't remember how they came off.

It didn't matter anymore. He had a condom and from there the dog was finally f*ckING QUIET. Such a sweet guy, wanted to go face to face. Naw, I don't want to f*cking see you, just feel you.

Face down, ass up, doggystyle. For a minute. f*cking amateur. All talk. "You're too tight", f*ck yeah, it's called sphincter control. Kegels. Maybe you should do a few so you can hold on for the ride, cause I been doing it before I knew what it was.

Heard a snap half way through and thought maybe he took the condom off before finishing. Smelled myself later and thought maybe cum. f*cker. Says he didn't but can't say I trust him.

God I miss Ch, could clamp on him all night and he just kept going till we were both exhausted. He could shut the dog up good.

Took the wrong bus on the way home and had to walk a few miles through not great neighborhoods way too late.

I wanted to go again. Thought about hitting up the guy again and trying for round 2. Didn't. Dog wasn't as loud, and my better angels prevailed.

He kept trying to kiss me. Don't know why, but that I sternly turned him down. Kissing is for one person, sex is just sex.

I don't connect to the other person. I don't "feel" them. I want to. My sex is a wild dog, and sometimes it leads me, sometimes I lead it.

From far too young an age the dog barked and howled. I don't remember when it started. Memory gets real murky before twelve. The things bad that float to the top, or are dragged kicking and screaming...

...I don't know if any of that's true. No one in family believes despite the fact it's a fractured mess. f*ck them. I drive myself crazy with doubt and denial and end up back here again. Maybe OS is right and it's a lie because I feel like no one will believe the emotional Manipulation, Gas lighting, triangulation...

Maybe LS is right and Sperm was a man who just had "communication difficulties". Nothing says communication difficulties like a man who looks at his daughter and chides her on her "easy access pants".

Or takes photos of his stepdaughter in a "slutty" dress while calling her a slut repeatedly.

Sure. It's just emotional abuse. No wait, "communication difficulties".

f*ck. Why do I doubt myself so much? Why do I make stupid, bad decisions?
 
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