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Not 100% but I’m so broken

Thread starter #1
It’s not easy admitting that I had a problem! Most of the time I’ve bottled it up! The thought of telling someone I love or close to me embarrassed me to the point where I would shut down! Like any other issues you have to take ownership! I think to myself I went to jail! It took me going to jail to finally realize that I need help! It’s no longer embarrassing to me! It’s ok to get help.

I never thought my past would snap back! I never thought the one I loved would call me that one word to trigger my ptsd. But it happened and now here I am. The thought of being in a new place where I can see the mountains it’s so peaceful so calming! I have so long wanted help but never did because I felt I’d be judged! But here we are fixing me! I need this break away from everyone to focus on healing my past! It’s been tough to heal! Yea I can slap a bandaid on but it doesn’t always heal the wound so you go to a doctor! Having ptsd anxiety and depression is the same you can’t just cover it up without getting the help! Sometimes fixing the past is the best option!

I used to blame me for this! For my past! I still am working on it! It gets scary because you feel like your stuck! But no I’m not stuck I’m fixing me! I have always been afraid of being rejected because of my past but no more! I will stand strong and fight! No matter how bad I want to give up! I will not!
Thread starter #2
The long road:

I walk the road that determines who I am! I walk the road of lies. The lies I hid from everyone! Not being able to recognize them. I walk the road of anger. Why? Because most of my life I was rejected! I had the worst childhood! I got angry because I really had no friends! I played by myself! I was different and I didn’t know why! I wanted to be accepted! I needed to, but never got to! I walk the road of hate! Why? Well it’s not easy being a child and you don’t know why this happened or that happened, but yet I hated me! I hated that girl! I so badly wanted the pain to go away of being sexually assaulted! I hated my mom for calling me a dirty whore! I wanted to just run away! I wanted my dad to take me away!

As a teenager I wasn’t popular I had a few friends! But still walking the road of hate and anger! Being a teenager and dealing with my trauma I couldn’t cope! I tried cutting, I tried commuting suicide! But each time it made me more angry! Made me more hateful! I wanted to die! I felt ugly! I felt like I just didn’t belong! I wanted my mom to apologize for what she did and said to her friends about me! I wanted her to accept me!! I learned to finally walk that road alone!

As I got older relationships got over fast! I tried to avoid positive situations! I tried to act out to get the love and attention! It never got me anywhere! I never liked who I became I never loved myself! The road I walked was still full of anger, hate and depression! I avoided it!

Here I am tonight writing this journal entry! The road I walk is no longer hate, no longer anger! The road I walk is full peace! Full of positive! I can tell my babies someday momma had an issue but with treatment, the recovery process momma got better! I’m proud of myself to finally taking ownership of my issues! I’ll never stop walking down that positive road! I will live my life to fullest so I can raise my beautiful babies! And that is the reward I get for fixing me!

For now I’m ending with my favorite quote! I don’t know who said or what movie it was

The first part of recovery is to admit you have a problem!

Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game!!

Love always
Thread starter #3
Yes I have ptsd, anxiety and depression!! I own up to I wasn’t taking my meds due to the dr just quit seeing patients because of the virus! My daughters dad knew my damn triggers! He knew what set me off!! I own up to getting charged but yet at the same damn time I was always told you don’t feel safe than you need to leave and I did he was still yelling at me shouting at me! And stopping me from leaving in my face with our daughter in the car trying to pull her out while it was moving!!! I had flashbacks of getting yelled at after my mom called me a dirty whore for getting molested!! In that moment i became so angry because the yelling!! It wouldn’t stop and all I could hear was my mom! Nothing helped! But now here I am fighting the demons! Fighting this without being asked I’m on a new med! I’m in counseling to deal with all this shit! And I feel better!! Not 100%!! But I’m working on it!! I’m glad I can admit I need help! That was hard!!
Thread starter #5
It’s hard because I had yet another flashback but I was able to calm myself and I told myself it be ok! I made it through and it was very scary but I did it! Didn’t get angry just cried and finally I was ok!!
Thread starter #6
Finding myself

I have been trying to find the purpose of my life! No! My childhood was not the best! I was sexually abused at 3 and at 4! I was raped at 13!! My mom and I never had a good bond! She was part of the abuse! She verbally and physically abused me! She hit me so many times in the nose I bled! I was scared! I ran out in my jammies bleeding! In the dead of winter wanting my dad! I still get nose bleeds!!

Years later I’m still haunted and stalked by past! I tried moving, thinking ok I’ll do fine here! Nope a flashback!! Or a nightmare! I tried avoiding the flashbacks nope i used anger to solve it! I used music! That used to work! Than I would try a warm bath and calm myself until I had more flashbacks!

Finding me has been so hard! But I’ve learned I’m not a quitter! So yes eventually I’ll find myself! The one who isn’t afraid! I’m 34 and admit I still cry I still cuddle up to my favorite blanket! I’m gonna find me again and never let that woman go! Because that women deserves a happy life with her babies!!

As I close for tonight! What’s one thing you wish you could change?
Thread starter #9
I miss my kiddos! I know I screwed up! But so did my daughters dad! He knew what he was doing! He knew my triggers! I tried to leave but he wouldn’t let me leave! He put our baby girl in danger!
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