Not able to love anyone.

human007

Policy Enforcement
Why i can never love anyone?

Is it because of all the childhood abuse i have been through? everyone taken advantage of me? people leaving me? my family never love me? no one ever love me truly? is it because of on going trauma that i have to deal everyday? is it because low self-esteem and low self-worth? is it because i'm never able to love myself? is it because everyday, my family treat me as if i'm never deserving of love?

I don't think i ever felt true love. Does it really exist? what does people feel when they truly love someone?

I don't remember the last time i ever felt i love someone. is love scary?

I feel like feeling that i thought was "love" never actually love.

I am 20 years old and i have been in so much relationships that i can't even count anymore since it always failed in the end. The first time i ever date someone was back when i was in middle school. it was too early and i never understand how it works and what should i do, i only desired to be loved. so i play with someone's feeling that probably truly love me. or maybe not, i don't know. I have BPD and i always ruin every healthy relationship i have. Or was it really healthy relationship? i don't know. No one ever teach me about love, even my parents and my sibling, they never do, all they do was ruining me and scarred me for life.

I feel like i have always been a codependent and i don't know how to change it or fix it by myself. And there is no help either.

Most of my relationship are abusive relationship and i have always be a codependent that keep trying to satisfy them but never satisfy myself and do not care about my own happiness. i just want my partner to be happy and even if their happiness means my sorrowness then i'm willing to take it. But i never love them, i never do. I just love the idea being in a relationship, being loved. But i never actually love anyone, or anything. It's not that hard for me to end a relationship with them and forget them, unless i have had a trauma bond with them. But it was never hard to actually leave and find another person.

I just broke up with my narcissist ex a month ago. It was the most horrible relationship i've ever had and the most painful relationship. I can't believe i let a man do that to me. And i can't believe i keep coming back for 10 times no matter how i was horribly abused. but now i'm finally able to break free with him after how much he have called me names, telling me to kill myself, calling me crazy and scary for putting a knife in my mouth because of him and call me selfish for wanting to unalive myself because of him. I have learned better and higher up my expectation and manage to see the sign of narcissist easily from now on.

But even when i'm dating him, i always know i never actually love him, it's all just codependency.

I have a nice friend that helped me to see the light and tell me that i was dating a narcissist. when i was breaking up and coming back on and off with my narcissist ex, my friend was so mad at me and left me because i was very inconsistent, he kept saying how i wasted his time, that i'm evil just like everyone else because i keep picking my friend up and throw him away like a trash. he said by being with my ex i'm attemping suicide and i will go to hell because god hates people like me, even after i told my friend all the physical and emotinal abuse i've been through, he still didn't softened up, he was very harsh to me and i keep apologizing. I don't understand why my friend was so harsh to me knowing the abuse i have been through not only by my family but also my ex. and him saying i keep pick him up and throw him to trash, but me and my friend was never even dating at the time. my friend kept saying he can treat me better and how he have been crazy about me over a year.

After i finally able to break up from my ex. Me and my friend started dating, sort of. but it's complicated. i'm still not ready for love, relationship, anything at all. and i still can't forget how he was so harsh to me. he have severe mental issues too and my codependent ass always prioritize him more than me. i feel scared of him, to fully be honest and tell him my feeling. whenever i try to be honest about my feeling he immediately attack, i mean... like immediately say harsh words or saying how much i hurt him etc. i always feel guilt whenever i try to express my feeling and i always apologize way too much and he didn't seem to care much that i kept apologizing again and again, he could've said "you don't need to apologize, its all fine" but he doesn't.. he let me feel guilty and keep apolozing.

its like in the end it always my fault and i always hurting him.

I don't feel love for him at the moment. i have love for him as a bestfriend, but he love me as a partner. well me and him have the same exact moral values, brain, sexuality, even our birthday is close. we are like a twin separated by county and different family. but i'm not sure if he is the right one and what i want... i'm not sure if i'm really happy with him. but usually when i feel happy with a partner, turned out my partner is fake and hurt me in the end and the happiness is temporary. i'm scared to be alone, i'm scared to have no one care about me and no one listen to my daily struggle. my friend (or i should say partner?) is the only one who care about me and listen to my problem. but whenever i be honest he immediately label me as bad person or tell me how much i hurt him and attack me as in being harsh to me.

idk if it's maybe his mental issue that make him acted that way. but i always say nice things to him and ignore my feeling in the sake of his happiness. i'm not sure if i can live without him. but i'm also not sure if he is my true love and maybe i just need time to be able to love him. i feel like he didnt care to give me so much guilt, if it was me i would never do that to someone. but he would tell me how much i made him extremely sad, how much i hurt him and make him the worst. is he really the one? is he really what i want? why my heart and my head is empty? maybe i should just stick ad friends with him? but i also love attention and sweet words from him? i feel like whenever i say my feeling to him, it's not entirely honest and i'm just forcing myself. but if i stay as friend and he hate me forever, will i regret it? will i regret to let go of the only person who cares about me?

he recently said this during our argument "No, you don't. You love what I can do for you. You love that I listen to everything you have to say, and am attentive to your needs, and that I try to help you any way I can. But, you don't want to do the same for me. And, then I thought we were dating this whole time, but apparently we never were. I know that I've had a particularly bad week this past week, far more so than my usual junk, but I never asked you to do anything about it, I wasn't expecting anything, I was just telling you how my day went. I'm sorry that that was too much. I guess I should thank you for revealing this before anything got even deeper.", maybe.. the first line is true but i do want to do the same for him but sometimes its really depressing and frustating me that he feels bad everyday due to his mental and physical illness. is it selfish? but i still did help him as much as i can.

we managed to passed the argument, but i feel like sometimes he kinda give me punishment by saying stuff like "If people who love each other aren't there for each other in the dark times, then they have nothing. It's just part of life." "If people who love each other aren't there for each other in the dark times, then they have nothing. It's just part of life.". it makes me feel extremely guilty. i feel like i keep apologizing all the time... but he never apologize for his harsh words in the past.

I'm scared.. if he hate me and leave me, will i ever find someone who have the same exact moral values and care about me and want to help me as much as him? i hate myself why can't i feel love to him? i'm really scared, i don't want to be alone. i rather d*e than being alone. thats the worst. i have no one. no friends, family, no one.

I feel like maybe we should stay friends for now but i also want him to be sweet to me? but ofc he cant do that if we are friends. will i ever meet true love?

i'm scared to tell him everything. i feel like i'm such a bad person. he probably think i'm a bad person.

everything is so complicated.
 
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internal

Sponsor
in my opinion you should break up with this individual and focus on yourself. codependency is almost never solved by more codependency and if you read through your post you will notice that you are committing the same types of behaviors as you were when you were with your ex. relationships are very rarely about true love and they are not a way to fix yourself. relationships are about two people who are stable and healthy coming together to support one another. they are built on trust, and it does not sound like you trust any of these people. just my two cents.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @kittygal162, if you don't have family or friends then I think that you should get a therapist and just concentrate on getting well. Slowly expand your social circle by making friends with people and nothing to intimate. It sounds like you've been bouncing around relationships for a while and the same things just keep happening and it's not good for you or potential partners because there are some serious issues there. Best wishes.
 

human007

Policy Enforcement
in my opinion you should break up with this individual and focus on yourself. codependency is almost never solved by more codependency and if you read through your post you will notice that you are committing the same types of behaviors as you were when you were with your ex. relationships are very rarely about true love and they are not a way to fix yourself. relationships are about two people who are stable and healthy coming together to support one another. they are built on trust, and it does not sound like you trust any of these people. just my two cents.
thank you for your advice and respond, i really appreciate it. and i will think about it.. i will try to focus on myself and my own happiness. but it's also hard, i only talk to people online because i can't talk to anyone in my country and i'm tired and just want to isolate myself and do the things i enjoy but i'm also scared that the online friends will leave me because i always reply late, sometimes even takes 1-2 months. yeah you are right.. i feel like i do have similiar behaviour as i used to with my ex.
i'm sorry, what do you mean relationship is rarely about true love? so people who are in relatinship do not experienced true love?
 

human007

Policy Enforcement
Hi @kittygal162, if you don't have family or friends then I think that you should get a therapist and just concentrate on getting well. Slowly expand your social circle by making friends with people and nothing to intimate. It sounds like you've been bouncing around relationships for a while and the same things just keep happening and it's not good for you or potential partners because there are some serious issues there. Best wishes.
thank you for your advice :) i will think about the therapist thingy, these days many therapist are not good and mean and have low empathy and sided with abusers so it makes me scared. but one day maybe i will find a good therapist. i will concentrate on getting well. hmmm i will try that, it just started getting super exhausting to socialized with people online and offline. i just want to rest alone for a long time but at the same time i also don't want to feel lonely.

so here's the thing: i love my spouse. but it is not a magical sensation. it doesn't occur out of nowhere. it takes effort and time to build the natural attraction you share with someone into a viable relationship.
Hmmm interesting, so when people love someone, they don't feel magical? effort and time... so before you date you haven't built all that? and so when you both engage in the relationship, both of you do not feel like it was true love?
 

internal

Sponsor
Hmmm interesting, so when people love someone, they don't feel magical? effort and time... so before you date you haven't built all that? and so when you both engage in the relationship, both of you do not feel like it was true love?
i would say that it's subjective. some people likely do report that and they are not invalid. but the most important part of any relationship needs to be trust, stability and mutual support. if those things are absent, no amount of love can fix it. and relationships are complicated. people are complicated. just because we love one another does not mean we don't have problems or that we aren't flawed people. and if you rely on love and not effort those problems don't get resolved.
 

human007

Policy Enforcement
i would say that it's subjective. some people likely do report that and they are not invalid. but the most important part of any relationship needs to be trust, stability and mutual support. if those things are absent, no amount of love can fix it. and relationships are complicated. people are complicated. just because we love one another does not mean we don't have problems or that we aren't flawed people. and if you rely on love and not effort those problems don't get resolved.
i see.. i understand.. thank you. i hope you and your spouse always happy forever after!!
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
will i ever find someone who have the same exact moral values and care about me and want to help me as much as him?
In short: Yes. And better.

Long answer, for me you're very much answering your own question. You don't feel it. You feel trapped. You feel guilty. You feel false. Take that person out of the equation and see if you want to remain in this state.

I had relationships where I did love people madly, and others that were much slower and less intense.

Love can feel magical when you have this sense of tilting connection, excitement, joy. It feels like a deep warmth directed at someone, and also is energising. Feels like you can move mountains because you're two. I can have this feeling very much, but it isn't predictive of the length of the relationship at all. Actually, the most tepid tended to stick over time.

Promise you being beaten up by the person you love deeply body and mind, frankly not a good experience. No matter how much love, affection, attraction, care, good moments and connection, it wasn't sufficient to get past the mess and the brutality. There was love though. Reciprocal. That was the crazy thing. It can be a great motivator but also a great cause of pain. Very big.

I don't think it's necessary to add yourself the pressure of finding The One. We have relationships in life, we learn from it. Some are short, some are long. You're still very young and have a lot of time to figure yourself out.

This can't really be done in the fire of a relationship. I spent a lot of time either being in love either longing for it. Very fast to dive in new relationships, not necessarily abusive, but it didn't give me a lot of time to think of anything and have a return on myself.

In the polyamourous society, there is a lot written about NRE or New Relationship Energy. Basically it describes that boost/magical effect you have when you discover someone new and are submerged by endorphins and all the chemistry of romantic relationships. Some people have it very easily, some don't really, some not at all and don't even get what it is. But all agree that it takes time and efforts to build trust and that trust is the biggest challenge. Let aside from polyamourous problems, it's also true in monogamous settings, in friendships, in work relationships.

It looks to me that you can slow down and stop the rush. It's okay to take time.
 

human007

Policy Enforcement
In short: Yes. And better.

Long answer, for me you're very much answering your own question. You don't feel it. You feel trapped. You feel guilty. You feel false. Take that person out of the equation and see if you want to remain in this state.

I had relationships where I did love people madly, and others that were much slower and less intense.

Love can feel magical when you have this sense of tilting connection, excitement, joy. It feels like a deep warmth directed at someone, and also is energising. Feels like you can move mountains because you're two. I can have this feeling very much, but it isn't predictive of the length of the relationship at all. Actually, the most tepid tended to stick over time.

Promise you being beaten up by the person you love deeply body and mind, frankly not a good experience. No matter how much love, affection, attraction, care, good moments and connection, it wasn't sufficient to get past the mess and the brutality. There was love though. Reciprocal. That was the crazy thing. It can be a great motivator but also a great cause of pain. Very big.

I don't think it's necessary to add yourself the pressure of finding The One. We have relationships in life, we learn from it. Some are short, some are long. You're still very young and have a lot of time to figure yourself out.

This can't really be done in the fire of a relationship. I spent a lot of time either being in love either longing for it. Very fast to dive in new relationships, not necessarily abusive, but it didn't give me a lot of time to think of anything and have a return on myself.

In the polyamourous society, there is a lot written about NRE or New Relationship Energy. Basically it describes that boost/magical effect you have when you discover someone new and are submerged by endorphins and all the chemistry of romantic relationships. Some people have it very easily, some don't really, some not at all and don't even get what it is. But all agree that it takes time and efforts to build trust and that trust is the biggest challenge. Let aside from polyamourous problems, it's also true in monogamous settings, in friendships, in work relationships.

It looks to me that you can slow down and stop the rush. It's okay to take time.
hello thanks for the answer, i really appreciate it :)
i think you're right, i pretty much answer my own question, but i'm too scared to accept it. i'm too scared to be alone and no one would care for me and listen to my problem anymore. But i'm not sure if the love i feel for that person is true love or just love for a bestfriend. i still feel guilty and trapped until now... i told that person i want to be friends for now, but i told that person that my heart belong to that person to make that person feel better. but actually i'm not sure. i'm not sure if i can ever tell the truth. i feel like i can't be comfortable enough to tell everything it's like i'm too scared to spread my wings in front of that person. i don't want any relationship or a partner at the moment. i just want a true friend that care about me and would listen to my problems and understand me 100%. and that person is the only one that can do that. but that person have feeling for me. and i feel scared.. i feel scared to tell that person the truth. i always scared if i say somethign wrong and the person will leave me because i think that person started doubting me and said that i look like i distant myself and do not want to talk anymore while the reality is that i've been so sick and suffering these past few days with unstoppable nightmares. even though i feel like that person is the only one that care about me, understand me and have the same exact moral values, i still think there are something odd about this. this doesn't seem like healthy and real love, how can someone love me after a short period of time.. and i always feel scared to tell the truth to that person. and i can never forget how the person always be so harsh to me whenever i say something wrong or make a mistake that hurt that person feeling. or how that person say s*icide is an evil act and the person who commit it will reincarnate in a worse life. and god hate people who commit s*icide. that doesn't make sense... why would god bring someone to the world only to make them suffer and once they want to give up after all the suffering, god wouldnt even accept them? why would god let them suffer then? it doesnt make sense... after everything that someone have been through, they still have to be judged for wanting to give up and end the pain...

that sounds like a great feeling. it is such a shame i never feel such a thing... i'm sorry, what does "Actually, the most tepid tended to stick over time." mean?
but.. when you love someone, does the feeling go away and lesser as the time goes by once you're together for a long time for example : a year?

that's true.. love can be a great motivator and a great pain.. :(

i'm still very young.. but i might not have long future and i might not have much time left... but its true i agree i dont need to add the pressure to myself to find "the one"... i don't need a partner to live

i'm so sorry that there are times when you were dive into relationship so quickly and didn't give you a lot of time to think..

that's true.. it takes times and effort to build trust especially after you have been lied to so many times. i think i used to get boost feeling when i discovered someone new too easily only to get pain in the end realizing they leave so easily.

thank you for saying that. i will slow down and focusing on people that perhaps care about me
 
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