Not answering emails

Status
Not open for further replies.

NightSky

MyPTSD Pro
My T tells me some dependency on her is okay. That’s it’s ok to need to know she’s there and feel that connection during the week. I think the difference between dependency on a T during the healing process and dependency on a friend is that the T knows what to do with this and (if he/she is a good one) will “use” it to provide a corrective experience that some of our child parts need if we’ve been through developmental trauma. It’s nothing to be ashamed about and in time the hope is it becomes less, as we internalize the care of an attachment figure. I understand how you’re feeling because I’ve been there myself many times. I slip into all of those feelings you’re describing very quickly and easily. Even going back and rereading old emails doesn’t help because i just figure she meant that then but doesn’t now. This is something I voice to my T often- the fear that she will suddenly pull email away, or reach her limit with me. And she continues to respond in a way that helps me feel less ashamed and more like I can trust her each time, even though sometimes that interim between not hearing from her and seeing her in person is long and painful. I don’t be have any answers. Sometimes I can manage to distract myself. Sometimes I shut down and then I go to session and get nothing out of it because I’m holding her at an arm’s length. Sometimes I manage to talk myself down and remember it probably has nothing to do with me and I’m able to keep trusting. Sometimes I hurt myself and feel I’m not worth anyone’s trouble. But ALWAYS after i see her I realize I was feeling that way for no good reason. So now I try to remember that I come away knowing my thoughts were distortions and didn’t serve any purpose, and try to apply it the next time I’m feeling like that.
 

Cyberluddite

Confident
That’s because of rumination. Which might be a good goal for you to get out of that. I do th...

Yep, it's a CBT exercise. Overthinking things gets me wound up tighter than a $2 watch, if I don't mind the squirrels closely enough.

Silence is a tough thing to accept as part of life, even for folks who don't deal with recovery. It's a survival thing, and sometimes our hypervigilence unintentionally gets the best of us.

The best Jedi mind trick my T suggested was to remind myself that if someone had a problem with me, they'd tell me up front. Until then, trust that all's cool.

Trust is a real pain in the butt some days. But it is what it is. So you do what you have to do, to distract the squirrels in your head. Doesn't have to be anything special, as long as it uses enough focus that you can forget while you're doing it. Hang in there, @BoN-bOn , it's all good. :hug:
 

deeplyloved

MyPTSD Pro
Oh, I’ve so been there. Last summer my therapist didn’t respond to emails and then she didn’t respond to texts and then I called and she hung up! I thought it was the end of our relationship and my ability to trust anyone other than my husband ever again!

Well, she was out of the country with inconsistent internet and phone access. The texts hadn’t gone through. When I tried to call and follow-up—one of the bravest and most assertive things I’ve ever done—she thought she had accidentally pocket-dialed me!

The only reason I didn’t ghost forever, at that point, was that I knew I would see her again in some shared professional circles. She is 20 years older than me and has a great reputation. She is not known as a flake. So, I figured this was an opportunity for me to do something completely new and different...to trust and give her the benefit of the doubt...

I wrote one more email expressing my hurt and confusion about the whole thing. The next day, when she had the chance to access her email, she wrote me a apology and explanation. We talked it through a lot when she returned. We worked on my coping skills and also revisited what kinds of contact are for what purpose. Obviously, all of them failed in that instance, but it was an opportunity for us to repair and for her to reassure me she will always do her best to be there for me.

My pattern is to muscle through alone with poor coping strategies. It takes a lot for me to reach out for help. My therapist prefers me to work through a list of more helpful, compassionate practices and then call her if they don’t work. I have flash cards to help me remember what those are.

There’s no judgment when they sometimes don’t work. It’s tough for me to trust this, but I’m getting better at it. It helps me to know she would much rather be able to help me course-correct in a 5-10 minute phone call than spin my wheels for days between appointments.

Since you’re appointment is tomorrow, I wonder what you can do to distract and take extremely gentle care of yourself? If nothing works, I would encourage to just call her. Expect that this will be something you work on for a few weeks, but don’t let shame lie to you. This is hard and scary stuff. It’s not called therapeutic “work” for nothing. It’s a lot of work!
 

BoN-bOn

MyPTSD Pro
I keep typing out an apology email then deleting it. I don’t even know what I would be sorry for, it’s just this tendency to think everything is my fault or that somehow I’ve pushed her away without meaning to. My gosh I don’t want to look like a complete psycho my continuing to send emails with no response.
 
Haha!!! I totally know what that’s like to want to send an apology email for emailing. Oh the things we do to ourselves! Ok. Here’s your practice. Write a letter to yourself telling yourself it’s OK to email things. That it’s ok to reach out. If you can’t do that, try pretending you’re your t and getting back to you. You know your t, she has been kind to you in emails. Based on how she would talk to you (and not how you think she’s feeling) what would she say as a possible explanation and a response to what you wrote her? That’s such a good practice cause that’s what you’ll do for yourself once therapy is over, you’ll be your own rockstar. So practice when you’re in therapy. It helps.
 

BoN-bOn

MyPTSD Pro
She would probably tell me to stop catastrophising & to never ever apologize for emailing her. She would tell me it’s okay to be needy & to want to connect with her sometimes & that everything I’m feeling right now is all normal stuff. She would squash any idea that I’m a 3-eyed monster/weirdo/freak & have an honest look of concern & care in her eyes & I would feel silly for ever thinking that she might not be sincere. Maybe that’s how it will go tomorrow. Glad to know I’m not the only one who struggles with the apology email! :)
 
She would probably tell me to stop catastrophising & to never ever apologize for emailing her. She woul...
I’m glad you did that! Do it again. The thing I loved about my last t is that her voice became my voice, you know? And now it’s still her influence but it’s me caring about me but I needed her to show me all that care and respect. Say it til it becomes your own version.

Everything is ok and you’re so unbelievably worthy. Even if you don’t believe that, you are.
 

Supervixn

MyPTSD Pro
If you've consistently emailed her between sessions and she has always assured you it was more than fine to do so, then you haven't done anything out of bounds by doing what you have always done. Even if it were an issue, if she hasn't told you that then you are not to blame here.

It would be unfair of her to ghost you as punishment, and I would believe that a professional woman such as herself would have a more professional approach if she did indeed want the email communication to stop or reduce. There's too many unknowns here to jump to a conclusion that puts all the blame onto you. Just relax yourself and be okay with waiting until tomorrow. :)

Your fears are getting the better of you. Tomorrow you will know for sure. But until then, creating blame for yourself is just torturous and honestly not the wisest choice... you just don't have enough info to do that.

Distract. Chill. Take care of yourself. Tomorrow you will definitely know. Keep us posted!
 

Rain

Policy Enforcement
today I have that little voice that is telling me “she doesn’t feel that way now, you MUST have done something to screw it all up!

I am trying very hard not to do this to myself today. I understand how hard this is on you because it seems to be that you are seeking reassurance because you do not have a answer to your question why? It is one the developmental skills that babies do with their mothers whenever they crawl out of their mothers sights. They have to go back to see her to know that they are still connected. Maybe you could write about how badly you are needing reassuance right now and read it to her in your next session and come to some kind of compromise so that you might be able to do this without feeling abandoned. I may be quite wrong and if so please disregard this because you have not done anything wrong. You seem to just need some reassurance because of her good reasons not to get back to you.
 

Cyberluddite

Confident
She would probably tell me to stop catastrophising & to never ever apologize for emailing her. She woul...

It's a great mantra to use as a positive self-talk, too. There's nothing wrong with reassuring yourself in order to de-escalate the fears, sometimes you have to do it in your head because people look at you kinda funny if they see you talking to yourself.

But that's their problem, not yours. :hug:
 

BoN-bOn

MyPTSD Pro
All is okay. She said I’m not bothering her & she wants me to keep writing her & sometimes she doesn’t want to respond to heavy stuff if she doesn’t have time to sit & think about what she wants to say. She would rather talk about it. That’s understandable. & I explained how my mind works when she doesn’t respond at all, how I feel like she’s “gone forever,” she said “see? I’m right here.” She said she never means to be neglectful & she cares & reads everything I write. All of that panicking & doubting really wasn’t necessary I guess.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top