My T tells me some dependency on her is okay. That’s it’s ok to need to know she’s there and feel that connection during the week. I think the difference between dependency on a T during the healing process and dependency on a friend is that the T knows what to do with this and (if he/she is a good one) will “use” it to provide a corrective experience that some of our child parts need if we’ve been through developmental trauma. It’s nothing to be ashamed about and in time the hope is it becomes less, as we internalize the care of an attachment figure. I understand how you’re feeling because I’ve been there myself many times. I slip into all of those feelings you’re describing very quickly and easily. Even going back and rereading old emails doesn’t help because i just figure she meant that then but doesn’t now. This is something I voice to my T often- the fear that she will suddenly pull email away, or reach her limit with me. And she continues to respond in a way that helps me feel less ashamed and more like I can trust her each time, even though sometimes that interim between not hearing from her and seeing her in person is long and painful. I don’t be have any answers. Sometimes I can manage to distract myself. Sometimes I shut down and then I go to session and get nothing out of it because I’m holding her at an arm’s length. Sometimes I manage to talk myself down and remember it probably has nothing to do with me and I’m able to keep trusting. Sometimes I hurt myself and feel I’m not worth anyone’s trouble. But ALWAYS after i see her I realize I was feeling that way for no good reason. So now I try to remember that I come away knowing my thoughts were distortions and didn’t serve any purpose, and try to apply it the next time I’m feeling like that.