So glad to hear you talked it over with her and felt reassured. I received an email reply from my therapist the other day that simply said “thank you for sharing this with me; looking forward to talking about it with you.” She’s busy and traveling but she knows me all too well!
I guess it was the sudden lack of response that bothered me because she is usually very responsive. I told her sometimes I just need to know she’s there.
Although...I think this brings up a lot of other things for me too....like all of the feelings that came up towards her for not responding...I think all of those feelings are really coming from somewhere deeper. Like how my family could walk away, turn their backs on me & abandon me so easily. I’ve never really allowed myself to FEEL any of that. Logically I know my T is there & she will be, but those irrational thoughts that she could just walk away are just a projection of what’s really going on I think. I haven’t grieved over the loss of my family. :(
You sound like you're onto something. Some deeper issues needing deeper healing. This situation sounds like it had to happen to evoke it inside you. Can you write it all out and have it ready for next appointment? Explore it more?
I saw my T yesterday. I am a new patient of hers, so I don't know her patterns yet, but she did mention that she had read my first email to her (which she did not respond to) and now she had to reread it again a bit to remember what it had said. (It was about my goals for therapy). When she did peek in at it, she recalled it and then we spent the whole session going over my goals for therapy and what I wanted more deeply and thoroughly than what I had stated in the email. She asked me what I meant by a few of my goals, so I had a chance to really elaborate and give her examples and ideas. I also thought of a few things I had not mentioned in the email.
So, looking back on it, it is OK by me that she did not reply to the email. However, I do not know if that will be her way of dealing with my between session emails every time or not. We shall see. I did not think to ask. (Also, since there was nothing urgent in my email, there may have seemed to have been no reason to reply to it).
All this email talk makes me think I wish I could email my T. But on the other hand, I know that the second I sent it I would feel regret and pain, no matter how perfect I felt it was when I sent it. I think it’s related to @BoN-bOn ’s insight of not having grieved for the losses of family and childhood. At the sadness of feeling so alone and needing that reassurance that she’s still there.
I’m only allowed to leave messages on the answering machine. She said that it was a way for me to feel closer to her and to focus on sharing good news rather than focusing on my depression. I told her that it makes me feel even further from her, which is when she reiterated that it was for me to focus on speaking about myself positively when trying to connect with others.
I just wanted to say that I completely understand that feeling of painful longing and feeling rejected between sessions. Usually I feel rejected immediately after therapy, on my way home, and then by the next week I have grown through it and then it happens again. Maybe if I had text or email access it would amplify or increase my opportunities for feeling alone...not sure. Definitely not an easy issue and I see it brought up frequently on here.