General Not Asking Personal Questions.

0RCH1D

New Here
Finding it hard to accept the behavior isn't a wrong reason...if anything, it could be that you've accelerated into too much closeness, too fast. Bottom line: your feelings count, and you get to act on them. Trying to tolerate being put on the back burner because it's justified by his disorder...that's putting his needs before your own, and it's just as damaging to a relationship as semi-ghosting is.
This is definitely very true about accelerated closeness!!! Even by my own standards. Re-adjustment is not a bad thing. It's just all so topsy turvy & it's started to mess with my own perspective. Thank you for this important reminder. I don't want to get lost in someone else's world either.
 

Livinginhope

Confident
RANT INCOMING: NGL, frustration is kicking in at this point… I don’t comprehend wtf is going on anymore. I’ll be honest here. I cannot understand how one goes from a really engaged, thoughtful, caring individual to a blank space?! I’ve seen him being so rational, patient & kind to random troubled strangers. (Cases no one had the patience for). Yet after months of talking daily, seemingly overnight (no fight) we’ve gone to mostly being out of touch for a few weeks. Granted, I was given a warning that he may disappear for a “short while”, coz he does have stuff to deal with rn… But wtf does that mean though? This week was bad for me too, something deeply upsetting is happening in my life as well. So I reached out to him, because the situation has a common ground… and crickets! So… he’ll be concerned about strangers, waste his time on them, but not me?? This friendship in my mind is becoming one sided fast at the moment. I don’t want to give up on him for the wrong reasons. Perhaps there’s something I’m missing. But I’m finding it really hard to reconcile the two personalties I’m seeing. I just don’t want to be wilfully blind or taken advantage of, at the same time I am concerned about my habitual lack of trust too. So where does one draw the line?
I completely understand how you feel. I'm so sorry you're going through this. There is no easy way to stick by your friend, if that's what you choose to do. It sucks. And hurts.

The feeling you have about being taken for a fool is common I think. At the beginning. Going from intense to absence, suddenly with very little notice, is incredibly hard for a non PTSD brain to deal with. I wish I could give you the magic answer. Sadly, I'm still stuck in that holding pattern after nearly a year with my sufferer. I no longer feel (well, very infrequently) that he's being a jerk but I do question how long I can put up with what is still a very stop-start friendship/relationship.

It's a massive head f*ck, being a supporter. Some days are a breeze. Others are not. When you've had enough, draw the line. But please listen to the advice you get here from people with years and years of experience, and take care of yourself FIRST. He's busy doing that for himself. I know it's so hard, and your brain will flip flop all over the place, but you are the most important person to you.

Take care and be safe. Hug.
 

0RCH1D

New Here
@Livinginhope You are always so kind! Thanks for the hugs ☺️. I do appreciate the advice from folks here, and I am trying my best to follow it.

At this point I think it’ll be helpful to disclose that my own trust issues mainly stem from a person who literally faked a mental illness to manipulate me… Oh, there was something deeply wrong with them alright! Just not what they claimed. Anyway, my issues are my own.

I don’t want to lash out at someone who may genuinely be experiencing an illness. If only there was a way of knowing for certain I’d be a lot calmer about the whole affair. But the internet won’t answer the question for me, only time will. I’ll try to be patient and not project my own fears onto this friendship. I’m glad I found this forum. I went through a bit of a crisis in the last few days, but thankfully still had some sense left to not unload complaints at a PTSD vet. My apologies again that you had to listen to my rant instead.
 

Livinginhope

Confident
Please don't apologise! This place is here for rants!!! In my opinion, this forum is the most amazing place in the world for anyone affected (in any way) by PTSD.

If you've been lied to by someone with mental health issues before, it's no wonder that you are finding this situation extra hard to deal with it. God, it's hard enough as it is!

My only advice, for the little it's worth, is that he seems to have been pretty genuine with you so far. Give him some more space and time. As you said, time really will tell. If he's the person you think he is, he'll get in touch again x
 
This is a new friendship for me, and I do stress the word "friendship". We are not in a relationship, but i am too rather picky with my friends (who are mostly male if it matters) and I do not bond easily with people. So this internet stranger weaselled his way into my inner circle, and now I do want to invest time and effort into this connection.

^Can you explain what the difference btwn friendship and relationship is..for you? It seems he may be going for the former and you the latter?

Otherwise, like most friends esp new ones have you considered that it's way too soon to know if you should begin trusting him?

I don’t want to lash out at someone who may genuinely be experiencing an illness. If only there was a way of knowing for certain I’d be a lot calmer about the whole affair.

^Does it matter? You wanted some attention and he didn't give you that. Does it matter whether it was due to an illness that may or may not cause him to be less than steadily attentive? Ptsd doesn't actually have to be the reason. What would you think if he did have ptsd and this is just the way he is anyhow? Or, if he didn't have Ptsd and was just the same? Does it change the outcome for you?

I know you want to understand why this man is now not behaving the way you expect. But take a step back and consider for a moment what did you expect? Your trust issues in respect to this 'friendship' do seem a little out of proportion imo if it is indeed simply a friendship you are seeking. He may have trust issues too. Where does that leave you? You sound like you are much more invested than he is and that's unfortunate because it also sounds like you need much more than he's willing/able/intending on giving.
 

0RCH1D

New Here
Can you explain what the difference btwn friendship and relationship is..for you?
Sure. The difference is pretty simple. It’s a friendship. Relationship involves something romantic, and we were never flirty. That’s why I specified earlier most of my friends are male and I’ve never been involved with any of them. So, please don’t confuse the two. Boyfriends come and go. Friends are in some ways more precious to me.

Otherwise, like most friends esp new ones have you considered that it's way too soon to know if you should begin trusting him?
It’s true, we haven’t known each other long. So that’s why trust is definitely an issue. On both sides I would add. But we could observe our interactions with other people during the time we’ve known each other. So that helped us form an opinion about each other outside of our own interactions.

But take a step back and consider for a moment what did you expect?
As for what I expected? Well, nothing out of the ordinary. Just to continue mostly as we did I suppose. Such a sudden change unsettled me I guess. We talked almost every day for months. It’s definitely become a big part of my life now. He’s an interesting person and I would hate to lose this connection. He said he enjoyed my company too and well.. Some of our chats went on for 8+ hrs. I doubt one would spend this much time if they were bored.

Your trust issues in respect to this 'friendship' do seem a little out of proportion imo
It’s entirely possible I could be blowing things out of proportion due to my own insecurities because of this other person who faked mental health issues in order to manipulate me. It was incredibly toxic & damaging. I’m afraid to end up in the same situation. So yes. It’s important for me to separate what’s what as soon as possible.

Does it matter? You wanted some attention and he didn't give you that. Does it matter whether it was due to an illness that may or may not cause him to be less than steadily attentive? Ptsd doesn't actually have to be the reason. What would you think if he did have ptsd and this is just the way he is anyhow? Or, if he didn't have Ptsd and was just the same? Does it change the outcome for you?
If the person is genuinely suffering and can’t cope, that’s on me to deal with my own shit and not burden them. From what he said the condition is a struggle for him and is a big part of his daily life & that he doesn’t want to burden other people either. So I don’t want to be dismissive & I’d like to help as much as possible (giving space for instance) if that is really the case. However if the person just doesn’t give an F and is using it as an excuse. I’m not going to fall for that again!

But seems I have definitely fallen into the trap of overanalysing the situation, because I myself got triggered. The original question of my thread resolved itself quite happily without me even pushing it. I’m going to give patience another chance for now. There’s not much else I can do at any rate. Hopefully it’s a phase that can be overcome like last time. If not, oh well. Sad as it may be not everyone is meant to be in our futures. Some people are just passing through to teach us lessons in life.
 
Some of our chats went on for 8+ hrs. I doubt one would spend this much time if they were bored.

^Honestly? It may be that one of you is thinking beyond the friendship dynamic and that's maybe why he's pulled away. Idk.. Can you see that as a possibility? I wasn't suggesting he was bored but still... for a new 'friendship' an eight hour chat?? That's a marathon regardless!
 

0RCH1D

New Here
Honestly? It may be that one of you is thinking beyond the friendship dynamic
Honestly? Not really. We live on opposite continents. We weren't flirting, most of our convos aren't about ourselves either. I'm usually the one who ends the chat, though it may be due to time difference. But I've said it before, once we start talking... there's no end to it really, unless something interrupts us. At one point even I thought it was a bit much, but ... it was totally addictive, because it was so interesting! It's been like this for a good while... Then total radio silence. It's a bit of a shock, ngl.

Did we blow the fuse?
 

Livinginhope

Confident
Did we blow the fuse?
If he genuinely has PTSD, and you have no reason to assume he's lying, then that level of intensity might very well have eventually made his stress cup overflow. You'll have read up on that, I'm sure. Any stress, good or bad, can do it. Plus you have no idea if it's a triggery time of the year for him, or anything else that might be bothering him at the moment.

The pattern of intense/absent is very real too. It's a yo-yo. Not much fun to be on the receiving end, but only you can know if the friendship is worth hanging in there for. If it is, then give him space, send the odd message without question or expectation, and put it/him on the back burner for a while.

Good luck x
 

joeylittle

Administrator
Did we blow the fuse?
Hard to know. I think the most important thing is to focus on yourself, and take the steps that YOU want to take. If that means reaching out to him and saying "hey, what's going on? It's weird you've gone silent" - then do that. Or, if it means you want to be more patient with the friendship, because it feels like the right thing to do, and you're gonna respect yourself that way - then do that.

Trying to anticipate/make accommodations for someone so that you don't contribute to them feeling worse? That's you going squirrely in your own head on behalf of someone you're still getting to know.

If you have a pattern of behavior that shows you frequently trying to mind-read others - or labelling your own wants/needs as less important than someone else's wants/needs - then I want to support you by saying, you're doing those things right now. You should give yourself permission to change that, for YOUR benefit.

Truly - I'm only wishing the best for you. You are absolutely welcome to ignore anything I'm saying - I mean it. I'm a sufferer, and this area of the forum isn't meant for me. I just don't think this is so much a PTSD issue as it is a you deserve to get what you want out of this new friendship, and it's never worth sacrificing you own well-being for someone else's, even if they are mentally ill. Doing that will only lead to you resenting them, which will kill the friendship.

So - in pretty much all the different ways of looking at it, I feel like I'm reading in your posts that you want to do something, but you're not sure if that's you being intolerant of his illness. I'm telling you - it's not. It's actually respecting both yourself AND him, to allow your needs to be equal to his.
 

RussellSue

MyPTSD Pro
But he never asks me any in return.

As a sufferer, I know that I don't ask people many questions but talk about myself a lot. It isn't because I don't care so much as it is because I don't do silence very well and if I can't rely on my company to fill it, I will. Often, when I do ask people questions, I get really short answers, so it just makes me more uncomfortable because suddenly I have to find new appropriate ways to fill the silence in between two word responses. That is harder for me than just rattling on.

It is entirely possible that your friend is also opposed to silence and in an attempt to gain a level of comfort, he fills it. It is actually pretty hard for me to be in the room with another person and not have the conversation continue to move forward, even if that conversation is all me.

I wouldn't take it as a sign of disinterest as much as a sign of anxiety, personally, but that's because I know myself and have watched other anxious people do the same thing.

Somehow I didn't see like a page of responses here before I posted and I see that there is probably a lot more to it now. Either way, it sounds like he's pretty anxious and pretty guarded. It often takes a long time to earn the trust of someone like that. Even though I am a sufferer, I was never terribly guarded. I wanted someone to understand so badly that I would get close to anyone who would have me.
 
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Lotsoflove

New Here
Hm… I am someone who needs a lot of personal space myself at times, so it’s not in the realm of impossibility for me to give that to others. But I guess what’s different is when someone says they aren’t well or that they feel stressed out… The natural thing is to reach out for help or to provide that help. This is all so counter intuitive for me! Also trust is a big issue on my part too. Like I said. I’m new to having someone with PTSD in my life and I’m sorry to say, but I’m still struggling to accept … how do I put this? That they are not just being a dick? If I didn’t know about his condition, I’d be done with him weeks ago. Chalking it up to disinterest or being a douche or whatever else. But it’s like there are two of them. When he’s “in” he’s super engaged. When he’s “out” he may as well be a figment of my imagination… He once said about people with mental conditions (included himself in the category) something along the lines of “no one will give them a chance or bear with them”. I don’t want to be THAT person. I know it can be difficult to connect with ppl even without ptsd & whatnots. But what I’m ineloquently saying is that I’m having a hard time accepting his word for it. Even though… I’ve not caught him in an open lie ever b4. How do I know it’s not just an excuse?! Also very selfish of me to think that, but I’m trying to be there for him during the hard times, but if “staying away” is just that… I feel pretty useless & totally replaceable… ??‍♀️
I totally in same situation
 
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