Not for men only - a place to discuss men's trauma issues (comments welcomed from all)

Since I created another thread here called For Men Only in which I asked only male-identified people to post, I thought it would only be fair to start a thread in which everyone could participate to talk about men's issues.

The rules of the other thread apply here, too. Questions for and about men will, I hope, be answered earnestly, but please do not assume all men have the same views, the same traumas, or the same experiences in any way simply because we share the same gender. We are all approaching our trauma as individuals. Sometimes, being a male makes this difficult. This is a place to discuss such difficulties openly and honestly.
 

Sweetleaf

MyPTSD Pro
I have noticed that there are so many resources for female survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, etc. My trauma-sensitive yoga group is female-only, and there is no male equivalent around where I live AFAIK. Yet, it's such a nice resource to have. It's something I think everyone should have access to, though I do think there is a very good reason why same-sex-only groups should be available - I just think they should be more available for both genders instead of just a bunch of resources for women with very little for men.

I have seen so few resources for men, and loads of them for women. There is one group in my area that I have seen listed, for male survivors of sexual assault. Aside from that, most things are either for females or for either sex.

I logically know that there's nothing wrong with most men. It's just, I feel very uncomfortable around them, unless I've known them for -years-. It's f*cked up, because I know it's just my trauma making me view men as a potential danger source, because of past experiences with a few bad apples. :(

I feel bad because I do everything I can to avoid men, when I can, and I know that's "judging a book by its cover" even though I'm not exactly judging anyone, I'm just blanket quasi-avoiding contact with half the human population, because regardless of my beliefs, and regardless of logic - men just make me feel afraid. They didn't used to, but now they do. I don't want it to be like that - it'd make life easier if it wasn't like that. I'd be more realistic if it wasn't like that. But I can't help but feel afraid.
 

bellbird

Sponsor
Women's issues definitely get more of a spot light, and unfortunately some pretty outdated views still hold about how men are supposed to suffer in silence.
Love the thread idea and totally agree.

From a male perspective, what needs to be done to amend this? From my (female) perspective I would think more news etc highlighting stories where men have been on the receiving-end of abuse, would be helpful, but I am curious as to the opinion of men that are living this.

Yesterday I watched a This Morning clip that told the story of a male survivor of domestic violence. From memory (I could be wrong) it's the first This Morning YouTube clip I have seen that has featured a male survivor of abuse and I thought it was really important that they featured that story (though clearly a lot more work needs to be done in this area). Link for anyone interested: My Girlfriend Tortured, Stabbed and Starved Me | This Morning
 
My only suggestion is to put the thread topic in the title. Something like “discussion about men’s issues, not for men only”.
Looks like the mods took care of this. Thanks, mods.
I have seen so few resources for men, and loads of them for women.
It is very dependent on the geographical area you live in, and it depends on the particular trauma. If you're a combat vet, you've probably got a lot of options (though they may be difficult to access); if you're a childhood sexual abuse survivor, you probably have options if you live in a city and also have several online resources; if you're a domestic abuse survivor, you probably don't have any IRL options and any online resources are very difficult to find.
I logically know that there's nothing wrong with most men. It's just, I feel very uncomfortable around them, unless I've known them for -years-. It's f*cked up, because I know it's just my trauma making me view men as a potential danger source, because of past experiences with a few bad apples.
I'm not going to lie - personally, being painted with such a broad brush really, really bothered me for a long time. It still does when authority figures assume I'm somehow an automatic abuser because of my gender. Once I started doing my work, though, I suddenly understood that this is a non-optional response for a lot of women with trauma and knowing that makes it better for me. I have the same response to women I don't know.
From a male perspective, what needs to be done to amend this? From my (female) perspective I would think more news etc highlighting stories where men have been on the receiving-end of abuse, would be helpful, but I am curious as to the opinion of men that are living this.
We need to talk. Men who have trauma that is not combat-related need to publicly disclose themselves and discuss their trauma. Right now society (the USA, at least) is somewhat understanding of combat-related trauma and CSA-related trauma due to ongoing wars and high-profile child rape cases e.g. the Catholic Church & Jerry Sandusky (although there are many myths and fallacies about those groups that most people still hold, so vets and CSA survivors also need to keep talking and disclosing). More men need to get into the professional recovery field. There needs to be continual pressure on politicians to pass laws that protect men and fund resources for us.

The reason gay marriage became socially acceptable in the U.S. a single generation after gays could come out without being killed is because gays and lesbians came out in huge numbers with a lot of fanfare, and most people realized they actually knew someone who is gay. This needs to happen with men who have trauma.

Finally, the reason there are resources for women and not for men is because women themselves, individually and in groups, made the protection of women possible through political action and starting grassroots organizations (such as shelters). This may not be politically possible for men, as women have cornered the market on gendered resources and are politically powerful enough to shut down male-centered organizations if they feel their own funding will be affected. I don't have a solution to this. Perhaps it would be to attempt to piggyback on women's resources - after all, the Violence Against Women Act here in the USA now requires providing resources for men in certain cases for three reasons: conservative backlash; the fact that some women saw that men were getting a raw deal; and a small number of politically connected men spoke up. It wasn't without a lot of controversy, but it has worked out.
 
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Mee

MyPTSD Pro
I come across men’s statistics a little bit.

they are not what I look out for or remember but I do see them ( 1 in five women, 1 in seven men ) for example.

A person who used to be very close to me for example, was a victim and a few men I used to know declared a #me too. ( and I am glad because I feel sexual abuse and violation is impactful across genders).

I think when EVER the dialogue leaves something society more easily grasps ’ bad man, innocent woman clearly saying no and struggling ’ things get tricky with reception, availability to resources and figures.
 
Thanks @Mee.

There is a problem with statistics - they can very easily be manipulated. Sometimes this is done by accident (for example, if a study protocol is designed poorly), and sometimes this is done on purpose (perhaps to reflect a certain political viewpoint).

Until recently, for example, the percentage of men who experienced rape in the United States was officially 0%. This was obviously not because there were no men who were raped, but because the official government definition of "rape" only included women. This has been rectified in the last few years, but until then it was used as an official reason to deny government funding to resources for men - because the official number was zero, men didn't need any resources.

That was obviously unsustainable, but it's the kind of thing men constantly encounter. Not only do we have to deal with personal disbelief ("men can't get raped") but many of us have to deal with official neglect as well ("sorry, we only have resources for women").

#metoo is also problematic for many men. While some men who used the hashtag encountered no pushback, this was definitely not the case for all men. Some men tried to start a #mentoo hashtag but were shouted down for diluting the original message. Social media, in general, is not a safe place for trauma survivors, and this is especially true for men, since they don't fit the usual narrative of "male perp, female victim."
 
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Mee

MyPTSD Pro
I understand. I also respect me too is triggering for you. I personally guess my first response is mentoo feels a bit like the phrase ’not all men’. Which k know also annoys some. Shrug. It feels likeEVERYTHING upsets some group of people :( Personally its not so much what is said in these things what is done or..... Not done after. As I often say....I share my bench on this diastaster with whoever got stuck with the seat....man. Woman, gender fluid whatever. I don’t care aand I think while people in power to make thins better care it causes more division and less concentration on the real problems. The real idea in MY perception is not who the victim and petp s set it's that the justice and legal systems are NOT working for the vast majority of us who ever we are and in my opinion that it's rampant across the board is indicative if need for change and less ’well that's how it is ’ attitudes

Fwiw, one of the states I was ’raped’ in there us NO rape, only sexual assault with different degrees. I don’t know how that gets translated to stats?

And yes, statistics can be deceptive. But.... That's what it is ;).

Oh. I also the ’you cannot get raped by a woman’ thing and ’how does that work? ’ comments. I did not have to cope with the gender bias. I absolutely do sympathise though, because none of those responses are valid; gender bias, disbelief at how its possible, denial of freeze and fawn responses, victim blaming shaming. None of it. And it often boils down to the same things here I think. That is violation, response from us and response from society ( bystanders, police, whoever). If a pink elephant says is raped by a mouse we have to investigate it, because that might be a hell of a manipulative mouse!
 
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Cactus Bloom

Confident
Thank you so much for starting this thread. I have been extremely frustrated with my attempts to understand so many different dynamics going on in the United States. I don’t know how else to go about it so I’m going to jump in and hope it’s not too much.

I’ve never paid attention to politics, news, social media, what’s going on out in the world most of my life. I’ve been struggling to survive my own traumas and life that I wasn’t aware of many things going on. It was within this last year that I got on Facebook and actually started reading comments to some memes and yes, it shocked me to my core. I found a page where women were sharing their stories of sexual harassment and abuse because this was just as the recent me too movement started. I was shocked about how both men and women were so hostile to the women sharing their experiences. The word “feminism” and “feminists” were being used like they were evil. Like I said, I had no clue what all the anger was about so my journey began with trying to understand. Of course I’m more upset than anything because no matter what I googled or what “groups” I tried to get honest information from there is so much conflicting information and everyone had an agenda or so much hate that they can’t see straight. I checked out the women against feminism and men against feminism groups. You name it, I checked it out. But, left me more confused than ever. There were no solutions given. Just blame the other sex.

You have listened some solutions or at least what needs to start happening to gather together and start talking. All I know is both men and women need to help each other and we need honest conversation unlike what is going on in social media.

Thank you again:)
 
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