Strangelongtrip
MyPTSD Pro
I’m just sitting here sleepless (woke up shaking...idk of anxiety or cold or both) because of this stressor. My family has been in financial distress for years now. Just drowning, to get our heads above water, to drown again. It’ll get significantly worse next month. We need to sell our house but first we need to fix it up. Then we’re moving to another state. If it doesn’t sell next month, we could lose it. We would have to probably move in with family I think. My parents I live with now are okay. The rest of my family, at least on my dads side, is toxic. They’re part of the reason we’re in this scenario. Denial runs strong. Addiction, overspending, just like can’t see two inches in front of your face ignorance. I could stay with my mom’s family, but that’s still...difficult. I feel like I’d be a burden. I’m trying to have a “manifest the best solution” mindset but kind of think is bullshit when my parents have such a negative mindset. Like, I can’t psychically save out house and that’s some bs honestly. So I have to figure out how to make enough money I could live on my own, or I have to idk, do something. I have to do something. I have to do something.
I’m still in school, paying for it all, while having a little side business and attempting to sell fiction (I hate stable careers is what I’m learning). These two months are the slowest for my business because my business depends on people going away, and not many people go away in these months in my area. I’ve been wanting to get out of this business for a while. I’ve applied to a few (I think like 7) paid internships and jobs early December and didn’t hear back from any. Not a single one. Usually, I get at least one interview (it’s usually the job I want most) and if I get an interview, as long as it’s not a group interview. I don’t know if I posted something dumb on social media and people found it (yay....bad decisions. I used to make none...Even as a teenager. Like, I was spotless. Worst decision was dating an abuser, and that was half a decision bc he seemed GREAT when we started). I feel like someone’s seen something and flagged me, like one idiotic post about medicinal. Or I’m an idiot who people won’t hire. I’m trying for remote bc then there won’t be a change when I move and there’s no sense in getting a job here that’s not remote because it wouldn’t even pay for half of a closet in this area. Better than San Francisco but...still not good.
I slip into learned helplessness. I don’t want to go back to where my family was a few months ago before my dad closed a deal. I don’t want phone cut off again and I don’t want to have to give my parents money for groceries. It’s making me feel really guilty for taking a stupid vacation when I could have just stayed here and not spent all that money. I’m thinking maybe I could freelance to get some work under my belt but idk what I’m doing, really. I can write my way out of a crime but like...how do I translate that for freelance writing jobs. Idk what TO do. Should I learn a more specialized skill really fast so I could make more money? I just feel so lost and scared. Thanks for reading.
I’m still in school, paying for it all, while having a little side business and attempting to sell fiction (I hate stable careers is what I’m learning). These two months are the slowest for my business because my business depends on people going away, and not many people go away in these months in my area. I’ve been wanting to get out of this business for a while. I’ve applied to a few (I think like 7) paid internships and jobs early December and didn’t hear back from any. Not a single one. Usually, I get at least one interview (it’s usually the job I want most) and if I get an interview, as long as it’s not a group interview. I don’t know if I posted something dumb on social media and people found it (yay....bad decisions. I used to make none...Even as a teenager. Like, I was spotless. Worst decision was dating an abuser, and that was half a decision bc he seemed GREAT when we started). I feel like someone’s seen something and flagged me, like one idiotic post about medicinal. Or I’m an idiot who people won’t hire. I’m trying for remote bc then there won’t be a change when I move and there’s no sense in getting a job here that’s not remote because it wouldn’t even pay for half of a closet in this area. Better than San Francisco but...still not good.
I slip into learned helplessness. I don’t want to go back to where my family was a few months ago before my dad closed a deal. I don’t want phone cut off again and I don’t want to have to give my parents money for groceries. It’s making me feel really guilty for taking a stupid vacation when I could have just stayed here and not spent all that money. I’m thinking maybe I could freelance to get some work under my belt but idk what I’m doing, really. I can write my way out of a crime but like...how do I translate that for freelance writing jobs. Idk what TO do. Should I learn a more specialized skill really fast so I could make more money? I just feel so lost and scared. Thanks for reading.