Not good at ignoring people

[Defaultxlove]

Idk what to say or ask but I’ve never been good at

Idk why

But I wanna talk about it and get better at putting things down (others lives) them asking for help etc

I think I’m dysregulated again. Maybe tips will help?

 

[anthony]

Explain?

 

[Defaultxlove]

sometimes it’s if someone calls and I need time to myself I’ll still pick up. I will listen and lately been quickly realizing I shouldn’t have picked up.

Or old friends I’ve distanced when they wanna talk to me I usually do. So far last year I let go of two friendships. One we have no way to contact each other and the other I’m still linked w on one of my accts. Why? Her and I had a weird relationship but I still am struggling to accept I don’t want any way to contact her

Any perspective appreciated I just wanna understand more

 

[anthony]

sometimes it’s if someone calls and I need time to myself I’ll still pick up.

Start here. Baby steps is the best way IMO. Next time someone calls, make a decision to do just one thing before answering, ask yourself: do I need time for myself right this minute?

If no, answer the call.

If yes, don't touch the phone, don't look at who's calling, just walk away.

I assume you have voicemail? If so, let it be used. I use it often to screen calls. If a person calls multiple times, and I know the person, then I may look at it incase of emergency, however, if a person did that just to get my attention, then I never answer them again when they do that, emergency or not, and the call goes to voicemail.

The phone stresses me out. If it wasn't for my wife, I wouldn't have one. It is 100% only due to her that I have one, as she wants to be able to contact me when she wants. I can't argue with that... but everyone else? Nope.

Baby steps, do something small, do it enough times, let it become habit. Review what you accomplish, any failures, adapt. When you become better at accepting to do this yourself, without any guilt, move onto any toxic friends and remove them from your life, and the best way for that is usually, exit immediately and block them from every and any source. I will agree though, you need to be pretty comfortable within yourself to do that without issue. I am good to do that, and have done it. I wanted a clean break from my past, so everyone bar my absolute best mate, all gone from my life in one go.

 

[Defaultxlove]

thank you @anthony that helps a lot and I realize now I feel guilt if I don’t answer but I don’t think you should feel guilty so why should I

 

[Friday]

I never understood the concept of ignoring people, as a child. I cannot ACTUALLY ignore anyone or anything, unless I’m hyperfocused.

My MAIN problem, was a lingual/definitive one. The definition I was given as to what “ignore” meant: unaware & unaffected & not caring & rising above & blah blah blah. That simply just didn’t parse for me anymore than being unaware of my feet in my socks, or being on fire. But I didn’t understand, at the time, most people actually have to think about their feet in their socks to be aware, and no one sane would suggest ignoring being on fire.

The difference between being UNAWARE, versus AWARE -but- deliberately choosing to either dismiss XYZ, or ACT as if one has (incredibly strong boundaries, or pride)? Was not presented to me as an option.

 

[anthony]

thank you @anthony that helps a lot and I realize now I feel guilt if I don’t answer but I don’t think you should feel guilty so why should I

My approach to phones due to how if affects me, drives Nicolette bonkers. We'll be watching TV, driving, walking, whatever, and if my phone rings, I just ignore it. Drives her nuts. She tells me to answer it and I tell her no. Sometimes she just answers it as a result. I really don't care who is calling me... if important, they will call back / leave a voicemail.

I have put myself in a place where I choose to be talking to someone on the phone. Sometimes I am ok and answer a call, but most often, that doesn't happen unless Nicolette. My phone experience is like email... I might look at it, but chances are its going with no response.

 

[Roland]

I got some tips.

I told everyone I really care about (my family, and daycare provider) that I keep my phone on do not disturb when I'm working so if they have to contact me in an emergency to call twice in a row back to back to override it. There's other similar filters you can use on your phone for specific calls to override and the others to not go through.

If you don't have anyone you care about you can just put your phone on airplane mode, nothing will come through.

You can put your phone on silent and place it away from you.

People that are calling, don't answer and instead send a short text "Hey I'm busy right now, is it pressing?" (Or something like that).

If you're trying to distance yourself from someone, put their texts and calls on no notification. You can still see the texts when you open your message app but they don't disturb you so you forget about them.

Your phone is a tool to serve you:)