Corvidcore34
Learning
I know this sounds stupid but I think I have no concept of what love is at all or how does it feels like. Not only romantic but any kind of love. This came up on a visit to my student counselor who is giving me psychotherapy until I can have a safe way to speak to a T, where she asked me what do I wanted my life to be like relationship-wise or what kind of person I would like to be with, and I honestly couldn't answer at all. I have spent years just thinking I had a crush on every guy-friend I ever had cause I thought that wanting to spend time with them ment a crush, until one of them actually confessed to me and I rejected him, as well as I was 0% jealous in them, I didn't care if they got a partner or started disliking me and I could become completely uninterested in them by the second.
Same thing with friends, I can move on extremely easily if one of them starts disliking me or stops talking to me, and I almost always never try to repair the relationship. Also if I ever feel threatened by any of them I start ignoring them almost instantly. All I feel like is wanting to be with more people so I can have more people to spend time with and not get bullied, or just wanting to make everyone around me be happier, but not anything beyond that.
I also have no sexual attraction at all and am sex repulsed, and until a year ago I honestly couldn't tell you whether someone was attractive or not (later that actually made me think I was a lesbian, because I can find a woman attractive but men look all the same to me, but at the same time, I have never had a crush on any girl, real or not).
I feel like maybe I'm just too broken to love, there are many things that make it so difficult do so, like hating any sort of physical contact, making me wanting to grab hands, kiss or even hug someone imposible for me. Or whenever someone shows interest in me or tells me that they like me I see it as a treat or that they are love-bombing me. I also feel the same when I'm complemented or whenever I receive gifts and things like that. Even when people try to help me or do things for me all I feel is anxiety that they might hurt me or relief that they don't want to hurt me. Love is just weird for me, and maybe it will be like that forever.
Same thing with friends, I can move on extremely easily if one of them starts disliking me or stops talking to me, and I almost always never try to repair the relationship. Also if I ever feel threatened by any of them I start ignoring them almost instantly. All I feel like is wanting to be with more people so I can have more people to spend time with and not get bullied, or just wanting to make everyone around me be happier, but not anything beyond that.
I also have no sexual attraction at all and am sex repulsed, and until a year ago I honestly couldn't tell you whether someone was attractive or not (later that actually made me think I was a lesbian, because I can find a woman attractive but men look all the same to me, but at the same time, I have never had a crush on any girl, real or not).
I feel like maybe I'm just too broken to love, there are many things that make it so difficult do so, like hating any sort of physical contact, making me wanting to grab hands, kiss or even hug someone imposible for me. Or whenever someone shows interest in me or tells me that they like me I see it as a treat or that they are love-bombing me. I also feel the same when I'm complemented or whenever I receive gifts and things like that. Even when people try to help me or do things for me all I feel is anxiety that they might hurt me or relief that they don't want to hurt me. Love is just weird for me, and maybe it will be like that forever.