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Not New But Seldom Post

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by FlyLadyFan, Jan 21, 2007.

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  1. FlyLadyFan

    FlyLadyFan Member

    Been a member here for months, and I read fairly regularly but seldom post. I go by FlyLadyFan because she's my organizational ideal. If I didn't have ptsd my house would be immaculate (well, as neat as possible considering the kids and dogs). I highly recommend visiting her website, FlyLady.net. But try not to feel guilty about how far you fall short (as do I). My mom never taught me to keep house so I never realized all that was involved. I'm a little bit better now, but not much. Now I'm just aware of how much dirt I miss.

    I don't post often for several reasons: The main one is I'll appear to have multiple personalities due to my extreme moodiness, opinionatedness, swiss-cheese like memory, and the complex nature of my ptsd and physical symptoms. Also, I'm not acute any longer, but chronic, 3.5 years out from the final trauma that broke me; so often it seems inappropriate to comment on many of the more acute-stage posts. (Although acute may not be a stage for anyone but their long-term status ... I think ... maybe.)

    I've considered starting a thread in the journaling area here, but I fear it will trigger me and start a backslide. It's taken a long time to tease out my coping strategies and I cannot afford to return to my former bed-ridden state.

    I'm still fairly house-bound and am completely friendless -- both by choice. I don't have the energy to maintain friendships so I've let them all go. Seldom leaving the house works nicely to prevent developing new friendships. And I truly never feel lonely. I fantasize about being alone on an island with a satellite internet connection, a Bible, and some yarn to crochet. No one making any demands on me whatsoever. I guess that seems extremely selfish, and while it is half self-serving it is also half to protect people from the nasty and inconsistent person I can often be. Damage control for both directions.

    I take medications, three daily and two prn. Without them, this house of cards would surely collapse. When I even miss about three straight days of meds it takes a week to get back to where I was. Yet I can't figure out why I don't take them as consistently as possible ... ya'd think ...

    Enough for now. Thanks for listening. And, Anthony, I congratulate you on the growth and polite tone of this forum ... it is unique on the net and sorely needed.


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  3. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

    Hi Lady! (sorry I have to shorten everything! LOL)

    good to see you back here. I am acute myself, or severe, however you look at that. Makes no difference in my posting! I've had ptsd for... (gets out calculator)...27 years now. Isn't going to stop me from posting just cause some here are in the early stages.. if anything maybe we can help them move through it easier?

    I understand the whole, want to be alone part. Somedays I'm okay though. I've been fighting my way through that stage. Don't let it beat you! It takes baby steps though.

    Anyways, welcome back and keep posting.. you have lot's you can teach all of us (me included) and can learn from us as well.

  4. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    The house of cards is a term I often use as it really is how I feel. Opionated and swiss cheese memory... I wonder if I can think of anyone like that hee hee. Yes, I very much understand what you mean. I am just now coming out of my home now, very new for years. I was / am agoraphobic according to my docs. And well, friends... I have not put the energy and time in, I feel like it is all I have to maintain my family at home relationship wise. I have been able to maintain 1 friendship since I was a teen and it last over the years and I think that is because he and I are so much alike. He is supposed to have panic disorder but I know him well enough and this well enough to know it is deeper as he used to be SWAT and worked for different agencies and I know his issues now (he was a very strong foundation when I had my break down and was up my butt and in my home for a long time helping learn how to cope with symptoms). He has told me we have been friends for as long as we have as I am the only one as crazy as him he has ever met. I think it is because I can go months and via versa of no calls if we are in a slump and we have never been mad at each other for it.

    I know you don't post often but I hope you do post some now :)
  5. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

    hello FlyLady. I hope that you do post more often. I've found that not only do I help others but it helps me to help others. It's a win win! Many of us here have a swiss cheese memory and many of us are opinionated. Moody? Us? HaHa....yes, part of PTSD, I'm afraid. The comment about being on an island with just very few things struck me as very familiar. I, too had wished that at one point. I felt it was better for all for me to just leave everyone alone, and all of them to leave me alone. I've come to find that being alone doesn't help much as in a sense of support through the rougher times. I also crochet, so I know the therapy aspect of that hobby.

    I think you've found a great place to start. I hope you like this place as much as I do.
  6. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    FLF, good to see you posting again though. Yes, your right, when you face your trauma your certainly going to get ill, but that is the nature of the beast I'm afraid. Its a choice really, get ill for 6 - 12 months solid to have little illness for the remainder of your life, or bounce up and down trying to suppress something that only grows in strength, and will knock you about the rest of your life. Yes, it sounds like a logic choice, but ask anyone who has done it, or doing it, and its certainly no fun roller coaster ride. I don't blame people either way, I admire people mostly if they are just out of denial, and atleast consciously make one of the two choices, instead of just denial that anything is wrong. So your already on your way FLF, because your certainly not in denial of your PTSD.... you just don't want to be ill for a while.
  7. Terry

    Terry Well-Known Member

    Welcome, What you describe sounds like most everybody here. MP like symptoms go with PTSD from what I understand. I know you worry about how the house looks but I've been in sooooooo many homes over the years I can't count. Does'nt matter the who, where, what or even "I have domestic employees". Iv'e seen it all. Don't sweat it, a little work at a time. At least thats what I tell myself.
  8. FlyLadyFan

    FlyLadyFan Member

    Thank you all for the supportive replies. I know from reading the forum that I'm not so different from many here re: MP, swiss cheese memory, moodiness, etc. Thanks for the understanding.

    Veiled: I too had a friend since 7th grade that was my very best friend in the world -- said we'd get married if we weren't both straight girls ;-) -- so that was over 20 years. There was nothing about me she didn't know and vice versa I believe. She even offered and did keep my 7yo dd for five months while I relocated to another city to begin a new profession when I was a single mom, way back in '95. Knew we'd always be there for each other ... AND THEN when I was actively suicidal and occasionally discussing it for over a year, she did nothing to intervene ... nothing ... and by the way she's a licensed social worker. My dh did nothing either. Now, my dh I cannot divorce, but her ?? If your best friend will watch you deteriorate to the point of death and do nothing to stop it, who needs enemies? (That was the second strike for our friendship, and I keep a two-strike policy.) (Re: being suicidal -- my family knows I am sincere and not drama seeking, I never did threaten immediate action or actually attempt. But I had the means and motive and they both knew it.) Still no one acted ... even my pastor at the time, who I think had a legal obligation to do something, anything, now that I reflect back ...

    Anthony: The reason(s) I don't journal include (1) the triggers for descent into madness, (2) pain avoidance seems like a good thing to me now, (3) I believe I'm more about the physical/chemical damage of ptsd now and less about the memories ... my trauma(s) was no one's fault really, (4) based on past evidence there is no one in my life to intervene if I fall too far into madness, and (5) I must maintain what current "stability" I have for the sake of my 4 children (3, 5, 7, 19) who need a mom more than I need to do therapeutic work.

    When I balance my meds well, I make it through each day without inflicting too much damage on others and for now that will have to do ... I'm beginning to believe it may have to "do" for the rest of my life. I think this chemical damage may never reverse itself, at least for me.

    It's mostly my frustration with myself that bothers me most I think. When comparing how able I was to my current ability level ... it is shocking. I am definitely not the same woman ... and I'm looking for and occasionally finding ways in which I can interpret that as a good thing.

    Thank you again for listening and being supportive, Kimberly (FlyLadyFan)
  9. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    The chemical damage can never reverse itself, hence the incurable aspect of PTSD itself. Healing trauma and learning how to manage PTSD, have nothing to do with the damage done to our brain. We cannot change that, however; we know how PTSD itself functions, so instead of working against it constantly, we know what feeds it, so that is what must be attacked. Management comes into learning how to get past certain stressors, retrain our brain if you will, as not all things PTSD does too us are permanent, it just wants us to think that way.
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