Not reaching out means I’m a good girl

Self-Determined

MyPTSD Pro
I battle this so hard. My mind wants to “reward” me for not reaching out, tell me how great I am. This goes against my goal of seeking connection when I need it.

I finally realize that narcissistic abusers contrive to make their emotional supply fear reaching out to others, which makes sense, given their agenda of total control.

I am noticing this cognitive distortion in an effort to battle it.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
Does 'may be great not reaching out... but even greater if you do' help?

As in not arguing the core belief... using its power, to fuel the opposite action & desired result.
 

Self-Determined

MyPTSD Pro
Thanks for the suggestion @Ronin. I’m not sure if that helps—yet! Going to sit with it for a while.

I find that the strategies I’m initially resistant to are pretty helpful once I accept them.

I like how you said, “Not arguing the core belief.” Because when I get into an argument with myself, like with my kids, I’m
starting out in a hole.

I also like how you said, “Using it’s power,” because that recognizes and validates what a strong belief it is. Not denying or trivializing what was a protective belief.

As a child, eliciting help from my abuser was like asking to be manipulated and shamed. As an adult, asking for help from others could bring abuse from my ex, if he felt jealous and punished me for it. The sensible thing was to do as much by myself as possible. That was logical and safe when I was in abusive relationships.

Both the ideas of “not arguing the belief” and “using its power” are new to me. I want to tell my broken parts they are wrong and weak and driving us into the ground. It’s like I feel satisfied telling them that, an ego boost. But such behavior is a zero-sum game. No one wins and the suffering continues.

Plenty to think about and let myself explore and become familiar with.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
Driving you into the ground they might be... but not because wrong & weak. :sneaky:

They just have the wrong heading / ways to go about a good goal, keeping you safe. Just direction & speed you are going is both adjustable.

Reaching out helps there too... get the healing back on course.
 
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