Not recalled events correctly?

[Stitch77777]

I'm trying to understand what's going on here.

This only occurs during conflict. What can start out as a minor disagreement quickly escalates into something a lot bigger because of it.

She will be convinced I will have said something I didn't, incorrectly recall events, details e.t.c.

It makes reaching resolution extremely difficult to achieve, because the basis of the conflict often switches from a minor disagreement and based on an event that didn't actually happen .

I'm trying to understand this and figure out how traverse it.

Has anyone else experienced and and how to you approach it?

Anyone got any insight?

Is this a common thing with someone that has suffered trauma?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Welcome to being the designated asshole in the relationship. Trying to defend yourself or engage is like throwing gasoline on the fire.

 

[Stitch77777]

The problem this is causing is when it happens I can't take responsibility for something I didn't do or an event that I know for a fact didn't happen.

Which often makes conflict resolution impossible.

Welcome to being the designated asshole in the relationship. Trying to defend yourself or engage is like throwing gasoline on the fire.

This is exactly how it feels sometime!

Is this a common thing? How do you deal with it?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Everyone is individual, but broken stress responses do not make for easy conflict resolution, emotional displays, or deep relationship conversations.

 

[Tinyflame]

Is this a common thing with someone that has suffered trauma?

I would say distorted perspective or misinterpretation certainly can be. Perspective is 99% reality they say.

I think it's impossible to find a resolution without several things in play: hearing and understanding accurately for both people what each is saying and means; taking time with that to define what the problem actually is; good will from both people; being able to come to a place of feeling you are solidly on the same team. At least those are some tools to consider. A rush to understanding better rather than a rush to solve it. Then you may also be able to agree to disagree about small points and still solve larger ones. Such as figuring out what it means for her also/ why it is so important the (her) details are correct. Often it comes back to re-living the past, or interpreting actions as uncaring or untrustworthy, even if there was no intention. But usually both people have some part to own. But also to know you're doing the best you can if you are.

Very difficult. De-escalation is the only 1st step IMHO, especially with rage. And gentleness and clear boundaries.

Idk if that can help.

 

[arfie]

This only occurs during conflict. What can start out as a minor disagreement quickly escalates into something a lot bigger because of it.

She will be convinced I will have said something I didn't, incorrectly recall events, details e.t.c.

could this be what i call, "domestic tit-for-tat?" in my own relationships, domestic tit-for-tat can spring from the most minor of disagreements, such as, "i think that actor looks better with short hair." and escalate into not even god knows what where both/all contestants are kicking one another's hearts, dreams and wild conjectures up and down the playing field while the spectators cheer and place bets on the sidelines. methinks domestic tit-for-tat is the most popular sport in the world, because it seems most everybody plays, spectates and/or armchair quarterbacks at one time or another.

this obnoxious game has plagued my 43 year marriage. the good news is that in recent years, both hubby and i have gotten pretty good at recognizing when we are going tit-for-tat and increasing our social distance before game time. thanks to therapy, i learned to recognize the first plays of the game before hubby did. my solution during those years was to quietly and discretely ply therapy tools instead of taking my place on the playing field until his one-sided plays lost their enthusiasm.