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Not Suicidal... Just Wanting To Disappear...

Discussion in 'Depression & Suicidality' started by LuckeeStarrs, Aug 5, 2014.

  1. LuckeeStarrs

    LuckeeStarrs New Member

    Anyone else have these thoughts????

    I have been feeling more and more like this. I don't know if it is just being overwhelmed by everything going on and trying to wrap my head around it or what. Haven't been sleeping, extremely tired and my body is just tapping out. I don't want to die but I don't want to be here anymore....does that even make sense??
    Draiocht, Wilmot, Ronin and 9 others like this.
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  3. Jane.l

    Jane.l Well-Known Member

    Yes it makes sense - I feel like that a lot - sometimes it gets worse but that's a very normal feeling to me .
    Rain, Wilmot, Toot and 1 other person like this.
  4. shimmerz

    shimmerz My silence spoke a thousand words you never heard Premium Member

    Absolutely it makes sense. I will literally run so I can disappear. I have been found under picnic benches, under trees, in backyards, so I act on this feeling with flight. Have you any idea whether you fall into a fight, flight, freeze or fawn pattern with this? How does your body react?

    Sleep is SO important. Is there a doctor you can get to to help you with that. In all honesty, when I am exhausted from lack of sleep I am so much more susceptible to these and many other types of feelings.
  5. KwanYingirl

    KwanYingirl I'm a VIP

    There's hardly a day that goes by that I don't want to be alive. It's not me I mind so much, it's Her-the not me who was abused as a child. Her damage just leaks into my reality and ruins my day.
  6. digger

    digger I'll just have a P please, Bob Moderator Donated

    Yes. Often.
    Rain, Junebug, Wilmot and 1 other person like this.
  7. xena21

    xena21 Well-Known Member

    That makes a lot of sense. I feel that way so often too. It can take hold of you and be so overwhelming so that's all you think of. I'm sorry you are feeling that way.
    Rain and Junebug like this.
  8. Chava

    Chava I'm a VIP

    I've felt that a lot...actually think my eating disorder was largely related to not really wanting to die but not really wanting to be here either. I had really intense feelings of wanting to disappear, or feeling like I did disappear...triggered by certain things and probably relating to childhood stuff. That's gotten better through therapy, though my panic has gotten weird. I become a disaster without sleep. I wish I didn't need sleeping meds, but sometimes I do. I hope your body can get a little rest.
    Rain, Junebug and Ronin like this.
  9. LuckeeStarrs

    LuckeeStarrs New Member

    I am sorry that anyone has to go threw these feelings. It does make me feel more normal and a little bit better that I am not the only one with these feelings.

    I wish I could just run to clear my head. I have injured my ankle so many times it is yet to be strong enough for a run. A simple walk does no good and I get lost in thoughts even more.

    As for the fight, flight, freeze or fawn pattern not sure. I will have to do a little looking to see where I fall. I think that would help me understand things a little bit more.

    As for sleeping...yes I have seen a Dr. Actually 3 of them and tried 3 different meds.....none have work to the full effect. The one I am on now helps with quality of sleep. Its the getting to sleep I have an issue with now. I take it then lay down and am awake for another 5 or 6 hours.

    I guess one of these days everything will work out. lol Gotta try to find a positive somewhere.
    Rain likes this.
  10. Chava

    Chava I'm a VIP

    Sorry, what does fawn mean? Protection? I get the others. Mostly I freeze or feel fight energy. I used to run a lot and move a lot in general. Now I feel pain and tension....and things like pushing and using big muscle force just feels better. Sometimes, if we can figure out what feels good, we learn something about that reflex. Like, if I'm pushing, I'm doing a fight thing. Pain in upper body is wanting protection, so wrapping a scarf tight around my ribs feels good. Generally not wanting to be here...find something I connect with, better if it's not even meaningful to others, but just my thing, like painting. If I just like working on a painting, I like being here right now...
    Rain and KwanYingirl like this.
  11. Unraveling1

    Unraveling1 Active Member

    It makes a lot of sense.

    Some days are more difficult than others with dealing with all the pain and fear. When I imagine committing suicide, I see this vision of a blank space where I used to be and around me people going on about their business like I was never there. I am afraid of botching another attempt so I mostly think about picking up a drink/drug or disappearing. Like thinking I could somehow put my life on pause for an amount of time to get myself a break and come back later and unpause when I am hopefully rested and somehow stronger. I know it sounds silly.

    When I am in public (which is uncommon), I try to make myself as unnoticeable as possible, which means staying in my seat and not walking around or doing any unnecessary movements. I know it is utterly ridiculous but thinking myself unnoticeable and invisible makes me feel a little bit safer.
    Rain, Draiocht, Junebug and 3 others like this.
  12. Rain

    Rain To have hope is a choice Banned Premium Member Generous $250+

    For me it was more about needing escape from the pain. Not wanting to face another day with the pain. Hang on and keep on fighting for your healing and recovery, it does improve and get better with time and hard work. You will begin to have more and more good days and then you will be on the other side where you are managing symptoms with success. I offer you this encouragement and validation and hope.
    Junebug, Wilmot, Ronin and 2 others like this.
  13. shell

    shell Well-Known Member

    I can relate to this, for me it was about not wanting to hurt others, but not wanting to exist anymore, because it hurt too much. I just wanted to be erased as if I had never existed, so that I could stop my pain. I thought it would be the answer to my prayers, a way out of avoiding my feelings, but it wasn't.

    I am sorry you are feeling so bad, it can improve, treat yourself kindly like you would a friend, self caring and campassion help ease the pain. You do matter.
    Draiocht, Junebug, Wilmot and 2 others like this.
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