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Not Sure I Am In The Right Place.

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by awake_again, Oct 7, 2007.

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  1. awake_again

    awake_again New Member


    This sort of thing is new to me so I am just going to type and see what happens... bear with me.

    Reading some of the stories here puts me in my usual mode of "God you are such a wuss get a grip" which leads to "thats exactly the sort of shit that has got you as screwed up as you are in the first place" and thats what goes round in my head until I decide that reading or playing on the PC is much simpler than actually thinking.

    I have never been diagnosed with PTSD I did go to the doctors 6 years ago and describe the symptoms (at the time I thought I just needed vitamins :crazy:) and was told to go for a weekend away. So in brief I had a strange childhood, I say strange because I don't want to say bad. I was physically abused (I actually need to explain how lame I feel typing that) by my Dad mainly when threw myself in between him and my Mum about 4 nights a week. I was a chronic worrier as a child but what kicked off what I believe is PTSD was the birth of my son which left both myself and my baby in intensive care. Post natal depression was what I originally put it down to but I personally don't believe thats it. There has been other things to but it's really hard for my to say (not that it's that bad or dramatic I just feel like I am whining).

    Christ I don't know sometimes I think my behaviour (which builds and lulls) is a defensive mechanism that just gets out of control.

    I now have no friends, I have people I call friends but they aren't I wouldn't dream of discussing anything that mattered with them and if they try and talk to me about something deep I tune out. I don't do this on purpose it's just grown over time, if I get to close to someone I cut them off completely. Those I can't cut off like my husband my kids and my Mum terrify me, I hate how much I love them I hate myself for thinking this.

    I can't cry, I just can't ever.

    I can't hold a conversation about anything that is banal.

    I can't go to bed unless I am exhausted and know I will drop straight off.

    I have "triggers" that cause panic attacks that I have learned to avoid.

    I know I am going to die soon... let me explain that one. There is no real reason to think I am going to die soon I am not suicidal or anything I mean my brain has just accepted it, I feel like it's a forgone conclusion which is crap as I am only 26.

    In the bad times I wish I was dead again I have to stress I am NOT suicidal I just get exhausted imagining, and waiting and being scared about how and when I will die.

    I don't feel like I have real emotions anymore, any time I may be having one I feel like I am acting.

    I have got a lot better, I don't fully understand what is the matter with me I think my childhood made me susceptible to PTSD, I think I developed it after having my oldest child and I think it morphed into something else that is now so deep in me I can't remember being any other way.

    Anyway thanks for reading my wall of text, I don't know if I should be here but thanks I am gonna post now before I change my mind.
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  3. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    Welcome to the forum. I can't tell you if you are in the right place either, but you have found a great place here to start learning!
  4. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Hi, welcome to the forum. One thing you may not have looked at is PTSD's actual curable diagnosis, which is called Acute Anxiety Disorder. This presents the same symptoms as PTSD, except it is curable through therapy and treatments. You could have either, though you would have to seek professional advice from a doctor for actual diagnosis because you cannot diagnose PTSD simply from a list of symptoms; there is more physical assessment criteria which are not listed in order to diagnose PTSD. My advice... seek professional medical assistance for a cause. When you know the cause, accept it, try the treatment.... if it doesn't work then go back and they can continue looking for other problems. The facts are though, people read a bunch of symptoms and associate themselves to those symptoms. I have read lots of diagnoses within the DSM and could meet lots of them from the theoretical criteria, yet when a further look at the full criteria that you often don't see, then I don't meet them at all.

    There is more to diagnosis basically than just theoretical criteria in most diagnostic illnesses. I really would seek a physician to tell you whether you do or do not have PTSD, that way atleast you know where to focus your attention to help yourself.
  5. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

    :hello: and Welcome, awake again

    The same as what veiled and anthony have said. Once you find out for certain, from a professional, what it is you're dealing with, and learn all about it, then you'll be far better equipped to find the help you'll need and begin to best help yourself.

    As, you may already know, this forum is filled with great info.

    BTW, awake again, PTSD (brain imbal.) is PTSD (brain imbal.), the trauma or (s) having created it in the first place is far less signif. than the importance of getting a proper diagnosis and thereafter, working treatment and/or management plan. So please, awake again, I do hope you be good to yourself, and continue now asking for help, while doing whatever next is right for you.

    It was a pleasure to read your intro. and glad you posted.

  6. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Welcome to the forum.

  7. She Cat

    She Cat Policy Enforcement Banned Premium Member Sponsor $100+

    Welcome to the forum.....:hello:
  8. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

    Welcome to the forum.

  9. Mayhem

    Mayhem Active Member


  10. resurrection

    resurrection Member

    Youre Not Alone

    I Know Exactly How U Feel With Your Lack Of Emotion And Trust In Others. I Deal With It By Acknowledging That It Is A Symptom Of What Ive Been Through And To Be Patient With It. Others Who Do Not Have Ptsd Cannot Even Come Close To Imagining How Messed Up People Can Get. Bear With It , Give It Time And Remember You R A Good Person.
  11. EmoxxKid

    EmoxxKid Active Member


    I FEEL you....

    I was such a worrier as a child...

    I would even daydream about what would happen to me if my parents died....if i fell down the steps....if I walked in front of a car...everything....

    I feel your pain..

    and you do have friend who care....

  12. lostinthewild

    lostinthewild New Member


    Hi Awake Again,

    My jaw dropped when I read your post. I don't know if I belong here. I feel stupid even thinking I have PTSD because what I remembering suffering seems nothing compared to what others have suffered. All I know is that I have never been normal, or what I would describe as normal, meaning without depression and anxiety, failed relationships, addictions, pain, and a general lost in the wild feeling.

    I'm tired of it, yet I am tired of searching for the answer, the healing. EVERYONE seems to offer the RIGHT HEALING. I've been taking anti-depressants since I was in my young 20's and I am now 43.

    I grew up in a family of alcoholic and physical abuse, yet I was never beaten. I am not an alcoholic now. My father sexually molested me with his hands and his words, but never, that I recall, had intercourse with me. My mother doesn't want to know, even though I told her, she brushed it off. I ask myself, is this THAT BAD? I tell myself, it wasn't THAT bad. Get over it. But I am at the point where I am so tired of life, tired of the emotional and physical pain I am constantly in, that I have to give some thought to the fact that YES, maybe it was THAT BAD.

    What shocked me was what you said about dying soon. That's how I feel. I don't think I will complete my 40's. Years ago, I had one of those internal epiphanies, that I would die young. I have never forgotten it and it frightens me because I believe in the power of the mind over the body.

    I just want you to know that I'm here and that you are not the only one with these thoughts. This is my first post.

    I'm praying for release and peace.
  13. splost76

    splost76 Sleep Management Editor

    Just wanted to repeat what others have said, and welcome you here, this is such a great place.
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