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Sufferer Not sure what to do.. ptsd from childhood trauma, in abusive marriage with new baby.

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Kiiara

New Here
I was diagnosed with PTSD in my teenage years, and am looking for a way to start moving forward. I've struggled with abuse for years, and it wore away so much of myself I don't even feel like a person anymore.
I feel crushed. I'm constantly reminded of the past through little things, and it spirals me into memories of what happened and crippling anxiety attacks. My partner is toxic as well and is constantly demeaning me for suffering with this.
I have a small child (8 months old) and I want to give her a better life, I don't want her to know about anything that's happened in my past or hear the things still said about me by family and my partner.
I'm still forced to see family infrequently due to the stress in my own household, when I need to take my daughter out of a fight..
Which in the end causes even more stress because the parent who abused me has some issues with reality, she coddles my daughter and calls herself "mom" to her, private and in public. She is disrespectful to me and my nuclear family, and either disregards or gets wildly upset when I tell her that it is not acceptable.
I'm trying to save for a car, so at the moment I have no means of transportation other than paying for public transportation or relying on said parents or my partners friends. My partner gets too jealous of anyone I talk to for me to socialize with anyone else.
I desperately want to get a job, but that requires leaving my child at home with her father which I feel is potentially unsafe, and he threatens to kick both of us out if I mention daycare, because he doesn't think it's a good idea or that it's unnecessary.
I do have an apartment under section 8 that is in a town close by, that I keep because of my current situation.
I know the answer seems obvious, to leave with my daughter and start working in this other town, but I feel like maybe I'm the reason all this drama is happening. I feel like I'm making a mistake and just being overdramatic or paranoid or just reacting because of the past and making little things seem like a horrible thing.
My parents got me taken out of their custody when I was younger because of the abuse, and my partner was previously convicted for a domestic with me.. So I know it's not just in my head.
But other people talk about their relationships and it seems like domestic issues are just so common, and my partner says it was my fault, I over reacted and getting the cops involved was unnecessary.
I don't know how to move on for me and my child and I don't know how to let go of the past. This worry, anxiety, EVERYTHING is so oppressive. Does anyone have any advice on how to move forward? How to know if it's all in my head and I really am crazy and am the problem, or if it's possible my perception of conflict is too heavily altered by the past?
I had years of therapy when I was younger because of how much the past had taken out of me, but nothing seemed to help.

Thanks for any replies..
 
It's not in your head.

You are not crazy.

Your partner is abusive.

Your mother is abusive.

(I'm 100% sure that others will agree with me on this!)

Please get out now and save your daughter.

You kept that apartment for a reason.

You want your daughter to have a better life.

Gather up your things when your guy is gone, and just leave.
 
At the moment, your primary concern is your daughter. If you don't want her to grow up in a toxic environment, then remove her from it.

I know that sounds simplistic...and as you said - the obvious answer, but considering the alternatives, perhaps the only one. None of this is in your head. Others may want you to see it that way, but it's not true. None of this is your fault either. You can't always control what others do, you can control the here and now and put a plan in place for the future.

It sucks and I'm really sorry you're even having to consider these things. It shouldn't be that way. You do have the chance to recreate a brighter future for both you and your little one.
 
In a lot of ways you lay out the dilemma. I don't want this anymore. I don't want to be this anymore and always ending up in the same situation then passing it onto the next generation. My first therapist told me that there was a way out. Now it's years later and I'm not sure. I was educated attractive and intelligent so why was I always losing? Why was I living in the back row in the trailer park? Why didn't anything work?

It's because that's what I wanted subliminally in spite of all my protestations to the contrary. So now like so many of us I'm withdrawn from life as an alternative. I know now that it's not my fault which is such a relief but that's not to say it stopped or that I can do any better I don't really think so.

You are young though and have time to work on it which is good for you. I have a degree of happiness now I never thought I could have but it has nothing to do with being out there amongst them I'm not.

There is one very special person though and that's all I need.
 
Everything that @EveHarrington said.
I agree 1000%

Having been in abusive relationships I know they make you question your sanity, wonder if maybe this is normal. Since you were brought up in an unhealthy environment it probably seemed more normal than not.

You're afraid to leave your child with her father

Your partner demeans you and threatens to kick you and your child out

The first time I read the definition of abuse I cried because I was living in it, trying to deny it, and thinking I could change things.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Abuse Defined

You have an apartment that you kept!

What keeps you from going there now?

If it's section 8, you may have access to other programs like SNAP (food stamps) and places that will help pay utilities etc.


I would encourage you to get your child and yourself safe and make a new, safe life for the both of you.
 
Welcome to the forums!

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It's not your fault. You don't have the power to be in control of him, only you.

Your child is at serious risk for developing PTSD themselves. I agree with the recommendations to contact a domestic violence shelter ASAP to make a plan to safely move back to your place, and get help with any custody issues.
 
I moved back to my apartment today. I called the police after he came after me and my daughter and got physically violent with us.. I will be putting back on the restraining order this week. It's a relief to be back home.. I think I was more scared of the decision than actually moving. I was wondering if anyone knew if my daughter will remember any of this? So far she's still her happy self, and I don't think they remember anything from this young?
 
Well done!!! I'm so sorry he went after you both again. You did the right thing. Keep taking the steps you need to keep you and your daughter safe. Be prepared to have thoughts about returning to him. Survivors of domestic violence tend to develop what is called trauma bonding and it can be pretty hard to fully and consistently break away without outside support. Don't get discouraged along the way, you got this and the forum is here to support you too.

I'd suggest getting some counseling support and talking to a therapist for you. The more you work through the impact of what happened the more you can help your daughter work it through if there are any resididual effects for her.

Enjoy your safe apartment. :hug:
 
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