I've read many, many posts about others figuring big things out and really having a lot of anxiety and trouble coping with it; ie. shaking, can't stop thinking about it, etc. I could not relate to that...until today. I had a very good session with my individ. therapist yesterday and had a big 'ah hah' moment with her. That lead to the rest of the day being great, felt relaxed, felt like I'd made progress, etc. Went to bed... ...Then the flood began. Woke up in the middle of the night, head filled to bursting with 'ah hahs', one right after the other. Started getting anxious that I wouldn't remember all of this in the morning, so decided to write it down. 6 pages later, I still had more to write, but ran out of paper. After I stopped writing, more and more things began to fall into place about why my husband is the trigger for my ptsd. I was in awe at what I had just figured out and was wondering how I was going to introduce this stuff in my marriage counseling sessions. Had a very hard time getting back to sleep, but finally did and woke up from a horrible nightmare (particularly horrible but couldn't remember), with my heart racing and feeling that internal shakiness and feeling all sweaty. It took me a little while to get out of bed, since I knew if I did too soon, I would just feel wobbly, I was that shaky. Got up and took a xanax, went out to the living room and fell back asleep. I was so tired. I am still shaky but have decided, at least for today to take small quantities of xanax to take the edge off. I also had my first 10mg of lexapro last night, but really don't feel like that had anything to do with it. I have been tortured with the not knowing of why my husband is the trigger to bad things happening during childhood, and now I know. Since this was my biggest concern; the "why now" of all of this, I did not feel like I could move forward. I have less hope for the marriage working out, because the dynamics that are so bad for me are things about my husband that I know he can't change. But at least I will know the 'whys'. I may write down at some point what those ah-hah bits of information are, but not now. They are complex ptsd type stuff and to me, have been very hard to pin down because the ptsd I suffer from is not related to a traumatic event. It is related to repeated interpersonal neglectful/abusive relationships with primary caregivers (stepfather) that sets up the basis for all future relationships Enough for now. Maybe I'll go for a walk or something. If you got this far, thanks for listening.