Now that I am facing my childhood trauma's after 50 years how do I move forward

David1959

Confident
Now that my childhood traumas have been uncovered, those I have always known and those I was not aware of, how do I move forward and live my life? I have been in intensive therapy for 7 months which has allowed me to access those hidden feelings that have been controlling my life.

Coming to grips with my traumatic youth and how absolutely damaging it has been to me my whole life leaves me in limbo. How do you move forward when you come to the realization that truths at the core of my being were never true? Is my life a fantasy with a dark reality at the core damage and scarring that has, unknown to me, controlled or at least influenced major decisions in my life. As a controlling personality the realization that I have never been in control is unsettling, to say the least.

As reality is uncovered it is making my world smaller and smaller until I am left standing on a cliff by myself in the middle of nowhere. My thoughts bounce around between confusion, sadness and emptiness. My only normal time is when I am so busy my mind escapes the darkness but always returns when I slow down. I feel no joy in my life and no dreams and goals for the future as I am stuck in the past, a child lost in the woods.
 

David1959

Confident
What do you mean when you say *the truths at the core of your being were never true"?
Just as an example, prior to therapy if you had asked me about my childhood I would have said it was normal. If you had asked me about my parents I would have said they were the best, I lived my entire life believing this. Therapy has unlocked the truth that my upbringing was far from normal and full of traumas that changed me whether I knew it or not.

My parents who have both passed and whom I loved dearly as well as became very close with in my adulthood where loving but troubled which gave me a very unstable upbringing coupled with my failures in asking for help pretty much set my life path which has been quite hard.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Just as an example, prior to therapy if you had asked me about my childhood I would have said it was normal. If you had asked me about my parents I would have said they were the best, I lived my entire life believing this. Therapy has unlocked the truth that my upbringing was far from normal and full of traumas that changed me whether I knew it or not.

My parents who have both passed and whom I loved dearly as well as became very close with in my adulthood where loving but troubled which gave me a very unstable upbringing coupled with my failures in asking for help pretty much set my life path which has been quite hard.
Ah, ok, I understand David. It sounds like now, your at a bit of a cross-roads. You've gotten professional help and delved into all this stuff but now your thinking 'now what'? Are you retired? Maybe it's a good chance to think what you can do with your time that you find enjoyable? What do you think about this? What do you want to do?
 

David1959

Confident
Ah, ok, I understand David. It sounds like now, your at a bit of a cross-roads. You've gotten professional help and delved into all this stuff but now your thinking 'now what'? Are you retired? Maybe it's a good chance to think what you can do with your time that you find enjoyable? What do you think about this? What do you want to do?
I still work full time in a job that I like that also keeps my mind busy so I am thinking about everything else
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
That's good. What's happened can't be changed but with help from your therapist maybe you can come to terms with what happened and get help from them about how to move forward in life.
 

David1959

Confident
That's good. What's happened can't be changed but with help from your therapist maybe you can come to terms with what happened and get help from them about how to move forward in life.
That is my hope but honestly not sure I can get there. I have an internal struggle going on between light and dark and I do not know who will win
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
That is my hope but honestly not sure I can get there. I have an internal struggle going on between light and dark and I do not know who will win
yes I understand. I feel the same way to be honest. It's strange but you and me seem to be in the same place at the moment. And I think it's normal that this happens to people. I feel like 2 different people. There's one half of me that is depressed and traumatised and there is another half that's like "hello world, I want to be with you and move forward!". Your not alone david. And try to think about like this... It's better for there to be a battle between light and dark, than it just being dark all the time! It means that your recovery is working! 🙂
 

David1959

Confident
yes I understand. I feel the same way to be honest. It's strange but you and me seem to be in the same place at the moment. And I think it's normal that this happens to people. I feel like 2 different people. There's one half of me that is depressed and traumatised and there is another half that's like "hello world, I want to be with you and move forward!". Your not alone david. And try to think about like this... It's better for there to be a battle between light and dark, than it just being dark all the time! It means that your recovery is working! 🙂
100% agree
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Hi I know how it is and also I reply to a lot of your threads .

I was like you 3 times in my life I guess, because you used the cliff analogy I can really relate.

First time I was 20 or so and I left the old neighborhood and the CSA which I was living still.

Then I was 40 or so and I realized it was CSA. All of that.

Then this year I realized it was incest. 10 years.

SO, I wanna give you some hope. I’m past a lot of what you’re talking about .

I’m not happy? I think it’s lonely for men? It’s lonely anyway, but I think particularly for men but perhaps I’m biased.

But I got reconciled with a lot of how I saw myself and felt about myself through therapy, and I really understood that I wasn’t what I thought. What I was hiding wasn’t something I did, it was something that was done to me.

Yes I lived a false life . Yes I made major decisions based on a false belief(s) I had about myself.

Wouldn’t you expect that? I mean, what else could I have done?

So I’m going to keep saying hello and I hope you can take a breath. I think my therapist spent the whole first two years with me and all she said was it’s not your fault. I’d yell at her. I’d call her on the way home, I’d email her, I’d obsess all week about what I was going f to say to her and how angry I was.

And she’s always say it wasn’t my fault.

So am I better? No. Not much. But I’m better than I was then. I’m as good as could reasonably be expected I guess which isn’t much.

Im not on the cliff anymore I’m back from it a ways. I still see it. I know it’s so hard.

I hope you feel better.
 

David1959

Confident
Hi I know how it is and also I reply to a lot of your threads .

I was like you 3 times in my life I guess, because you used the cliff analogy I can really relate.

First time I was 20 or so and I left the old neighborhood and the CSA which I was living still.

Then I was 40 or so and I realized it was CSA. All of that.

Then this year I realized it was incest. 10 years.

SO, I wanna give you some hope. I’m past a lot of what you’re talking about .

I’m not happy? I think it’s lonely for men? It’s lonely anyway, but I think particularly for men but perhaps I’m biased.

But I got reconciled with a lot of how I saw myself and felt about myself through therapy, and I really understood that I wasn’t what I thought. What I was hiding wasn’t something I did, it was something that was done to me.

Yes I lived a false life . Yes I made major decisions based on a false belief(s) I had about myself.

Wouldn’t you expect that? I mean, what else could I have done?

So I’m going to keep saying hello and I hope you can take a breath. I think my therapist spent the whole first two years with me and all she said was it’s not your fault. I’d yell at her. I’d call her on the way home, I’d email her, I’d obsess all week about what I was going f to say to her and how angry I was.

And she’s always say it wasn’t my fault.

So am I better? No. Not much. But I’m better than I was then. I’m as good as could reasonably be expected I guess which isn’t much.

Im not on the cliff anymore I’m back from it a ways. I still see it. I know it’s so hard.

I hope you feel better.
We do indeed seem to be on a similar path with many of the same demons
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
Yes I lived a false life . Yes I made major decisions based on a false belief(s) I had about myself.
I think this is precisely why many people do not go to therapy in the first place even when suffering! The fear of realizing shitty decisions we made while traumatized!

How often I too came at that level of realizing wow! I made all these decisions while dissociated, literally blindly going about...what???and get so scared of what this means - short of just kill myself or rebound to reality! This is the root of therapy work. To f*ck people over and question everything and yet come up to accept the f*ckup! or if the f*ckup is too f*ckup - to leave the situation and hopefully make slightly refurbished life choices.

My own recovery has been roller-coaster (still is) but I realized I led a decent life dissociated (without abusing others is a great thing to learn), how bad can it be now that I can see...nothing changed really - just my perception is improving. I even asked (and got scared answering so many times - still there are never satisfying answers) would I marry my husband if I was not traumatized? What if syndrome....bottomless pit!
 
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