Numbing

[Self-Determined]

In my recovery I have been able to regain a solid sense of strength in my work environment.

However, at home I want to numb every second. Today, I became aware of this. I was able to feel the uncomfortable ness for a few seconds. To go into it.

That was it. Awareness for a few seconds then back into numbing through various means.

Mentally through dissociation, physically through addictions.

I don’t know if I have a question. I don’t know if I’m asking for support or advice. Maybe I’m just acknowledging that this happened.

Sounds like an accomplishment. Not gonna judge it—my hater parts need to back off.

 

[Lena Mae]

Dear Searching4Self:

Thank you for your post! Your awareness and acknowledgment of your numbing is a huge accomplishment and should be celebrated. :tup:

I realized recently I numb myself or zone out almost all the time, and in many ways:
Watch TV, Sleep, Eat candy, Hide in my head, Isolate, Work, Write lists (in notebook, on post-its, on blackboard), Read and write (on Quora, MyPTSD, and Break the Silence), Disassociate, Listen to radio and TV at the same time, Shop online (for hours, buying clothes and returning them and buying more), surf online websites, cut my cuticles, etc.

Hours and hours of time wasted and lost. Some things I do to numb appear productive, others not so much. All make me disappear, avoid, forget.
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How did you NOT numb - what did you do or what didn't you do?

Thank you, Lena Mae

 

[Self-Determined]

I can’t really say how it happened, from my experience it felt like it came over me, as a result of whatever I was doing, which was settling down on the carpet with a pillow to play a board game with my daughter. I felt myself being uncomfortable—a part of me felt like I was playing with her from a sense of guilt, because my inclination is to curl up alone and write, read, or draw. I felt the uncomfortable feeling and felt like THAT was one of the targets of the numbing. The guilt—actually just feeling like I’m really seeing it right now. The guilt is connected to the judgment.
Too much judgment. So staying present has to do with decoupling from judgment, for me, maybe. The numbing is connected to the judgment. That’s an important insight for me right now.

My abuser dad used to play board games with me. My enabling mom who later protected me from him never did. My dad played in a very obligatory and perfunctory way. If my behavior didn’t match his expectations it was swiftly over, and I was a quick learner. I wasn’t thinking that last night. Maybe that memory is irrelevant.

I DO feel like I avoid my family. I DO feel guilt about that. I will grow when I grow. I’m working on myself, I’m drawing boundaries, this benefits everyone in the long run.

 

[Freida]

just being aware that you are doing it is huge! My T calls it 'building the window of tolerance" where you let yourself be uncomfortable for a very short time, then a little longer, then a bit more....and so on. So this might be a good thing!