Obsession

[Bookoffee]

I am trying to calm myself down before I have to leave my house for my PHP. I can't really think straight. M head is jumping around in so many places. I am obsessing over so many things


There is a Bear Hunting Referendum for voting and the side that wants to stop the baiting, dogs, and trapping show videos of bears being attacked by dogs, bears in traps trying to bite their way through with their agony crying and another that is even more triggering for me is when the man walks up the bear from behind and shoots him in the head. I watched my stepfather kill my animals and one was shot. I have obsessing over how to vote for this. I am sickened by the videos and want it to stop but I also understand the methods used are for control. I am obsessing over animals rights and animal control.


Another big one, how am I going to face my co-workers knowing that I was just coming out of the hospital? They day I broke down, I had to give a referral to a co-worker to work on.


There is this annoying system in the office that if you pick up a referral, regardless of what program or who the referral is addressed to, look up client and make the first phone call then hand over to the proper program coordinator. I hate this middle man interaction and find it hard to on more than five referrals at once when the program person is sitting there chatting with friends online.


This is what was happening when I received the referrals. All of them were for my program except for one. I didn’t want to deal with that one as I was already over loaded with my other responsibilities. I went to give it to the program person and as I was walking over to her my stomach knotted and I started to get scared. I started to think it was just one referral, I will do it. But the one that wants to stand up for herself and say I have enough work, please help took over.


When I gave it her I was scared as hell as I talked to her and asked her to take it on. She signed and without looking at me, took it. Later in the day when I finished my work, I was feeling guilty so I went back to her to see if she wanted me to take it back because I was at a comfortable level or work now.


In what I took as a snippy frustrated voice, she went through every step she took to finish the referral. That was enough to put me into panic. I went home and haven’t been back. Since then she unfriended me on facebook then asked for a friend request then blocked me. Another co-worker that she exchanges messages with all day, did the same thing to me. Now I am scared to return to work. I can’t handle the tension and mind games.


I can’t let go of the panic I had at work and the way she was talking to me. I hear and see her face everyday and it slowly turns into my mother and her voice. I need to let go of the control of the program and just follow process regardless of what I think of it. I just don’t know how I will be able to walk back into my office. I am obsessing over my first day back to work.


To make matters worse, I obsess over what I share on the forum. I fear that I give out too much detail of my trauma. Like above, but I need help to stop these obsession. I have less than half an hour to get ready for PHP. I need to move.

 

[Seasounds]

You are dealing with a lot of stress, that would stimulate anxiety, and obsession, in many. Decision making is harder, too. In addition to doing things to help yourself be calmer, I wanted to help by saying the following:

• You are good enough, period.
• There is not a wrong way to vote. The bears don't rest upon your shoulders; others share it with you. You have choice, to vote or not vote. And if you vote, vote, trust you did the right thing. It does sound like you might want something less severe.
• It sounds to me like you did well with your co-workers. Your actions were reasonable. Good for you, in delegating, in a stressful moment.
• When you demonstrate more empowerment, as you did, flack will come your way, as people adjust to the new you. What you can do, is through your to e of voice and mannerisms, communicate to them that you appreciate them.
• Coming out of the hospital and coming into work: many times a day, when anxious, slowly breathe in and out, while you give yourself compassion for being a good person.
• Focusing on work tasks can also help anxiety.

Have a good day!

 

[Seasounds]

I wanted to share, that I, too, sometimes fear that I share too much about work. From knowing that I never use names, always disguise the situation/setting, I'm able to let my worries rest, especially when I know how are identities are protected.

It would be interesting to ask Anthony if protected identity has ever been a problem.
I'm not a premium member, so I can't pm hi directly. Can you?

 

[Neverthesame]

I have had to deal with this type of situation many times. I will tell you how I deal with it. You may find it helpful, you may not.
When I find myself overwhelmed by my workload. I assuage my guilt over asking someone to take up some of my slack by reminding myself that I am supposed part of a team. If my co-worker gets annoyed at me for sharing the workload, especially if they are just wasting time. I will take it back immediately, then explain plainly, that if doing thier job is such an issue for them. So be it. However next time they want anything from me, too damn bad.
In regards to the Facebook thing. To hell with the both of them. The impression I got from your post is that, these people seem quite comfortable doing nothing, while you are struggling to meet your deadlines. I have no desire to socialise with people like that. I understand working in that tension is unpleasant. But so is being walked on. At least you can be proud of yourself for standing up for you. Good job on that by the way. I know it's easier said than done. Something to think about anyway.
Good luck.